More for love.

[Bandanna]

I'd like some constructive criticism/ peer review on this.
I have no title right now. I'd like to just call it "Dead Love". But I'm trying to think of something else.


Shovel slicing ground
slowly sieving gravel.
Pitter of dust
dropping upon dead love
dirty words fall
splashing shamelessly
on the broken body.
blackened by fire
festering inside day
flies start their gather
to taste what was
of burning love
then vomit upon it
they suck the filth
and die
then the smell
of its rolling eye
buried love dead today
I let loose my shovel
and walk my way.

Personally, I think it is okay.
I want to work more on sound as it relates to meaning.
This, I actually don't feel accomplished that. Although I do think it has nice sound. I have more poems and will share them if I receive proper feedback on this one.

[tailor STATELY]

Quite macabre in the imagery category; a grand poe-sy or poe-m if you will.

For a title I might suggest: "No Requiem for Love"

I had a problem with a shovel 'sieving' at first, but I can see past that; the "pitter of dust" I found delightful.

Seems like a line or two is missing after "then the smell of its rolling eye"; otherwise a bit abrupt before your intriguing ending "buried love dead today I let loose my shovel and walk my way."

re:
I have more poems and will share them if I receive proper feedback on this one. Please do not let a lack of feedback (or negative feedback) keep you from posting. The perceived lack of appreciation from others should not influence your passion to write and share.

I look forward to reading more of your creative works.

[Bandanna]

Shovel slicing ground
slowly stirring gravel.
Pitter of dust
dropping upon dead love
dirty words fall
splashing shamelessly
on the broken body.
blackened by fire
festering inside day
flies start their gather
to taste what was
of burning love
then vomit upon it
they suck the filth
and die
then the stench
of its rolling eyes
and gaping mouth
buried love dead today
I let loose my shovel
and walk my way


You are right, I actually did forget a line. Some could argue that the sensory image providing the action of burying love holds no logic and could be hard to follow. Certainly it may be, but I have a few reasons for what I did. First, I definitely wanted to carry out the sensory image of smell in this poem as a glorified way of saying that "love stinks." I realize that at first it may seem that one can not particularly smell a rolling eye or a gaping mouth (which incidentally wasn't included in the first post) aside from maybe imagining the smell of the corpse itself with the eye and mouth included. What I wanted to relate those two details to was that of the rolling eyes and gaping mouths that seem to be so noticed by dying lovers near the end of their relationships.
Thus, it is the stench of those rolling eyes and gaping mouths that some of us know all to well that really buried love dead that day. Not necessarily only the speaker, as we find out lets loose his shovel and walks away. Also, I changed smell to stench for connotative purposes.
And also changed sieving to stirred.

[MorpheusSandman]

I actually really like this. It is very "macabre" but I don't know if I've read another more effective poem on here about the ugliness that can ensue when love dies. I might suggest that it could be more effective if you provided some more beautiful images of the love before it... I guess "rots" away. An interesting bit of synchronicity; I saw the film The Fly last night and your lines about flies gathering around love, vomiting on it, etc. really reminded me of a couple of especially grotesque scenes in that film.

[Bar22do]

I suppose you intended to start from the ugliest point, sth to be shoveled right away like a casual dirt, maybe to say it was not love at all... in this way it's very effective, and one feels you need it as a way of revenge to have been deceived so! I think it is an original good poem.
Welcome here!

[Bandanna]

Thank you guys for the feedback, I do like the idea of the title being "No requiem for love". It's actually very fitting. And I also like the idea of possibly starting off with some positive aspects of love and slowly decaying into the death of it but, I'm actually working on another poem that would be similar to that idea. I also think I want to only focus on the darker side of lost love, not necessarily any transition into it. I don't know, sometimes people are just at that one peculiar point where nothing before was significant except was bad. If anything it could be viewed as a positive thing when the speaker walks away at the end. The more time one spends burying love the worse it is.