Shadows and Dust

[PeachesPieces]

a toast to the art of random conversation!

Shadows and Dust

The casual deeds and vanquished dreams pour down
Tricking us from our many riches… by mans silver greed
Ignoring the simplest way to freedom, the offhand greeting
A costless act of a simple word that comes in a breath
Holding true through actions, honor, and love
Inspiring bards to sing from above “True trust without fear”
Speaking of flowers from a wave, a smile, a nod
Blooming into unforeseen companionship, if only on the bus

Bleak Shadows and Dust leave the absurd and dine on nectar
Laughing at notions that the reward is not for the simple
That the greatest price is not on the hand-worn copper disk
But rather on the gold goblet that pays not for our love
But only for their making and for our human chaos
Life measured by deeds and understanding, by friends
Not by the pillar we are placed upon, but the one we climb
Judged only by that which comes before the dust, after birth

[PrinceMyshkin]

I had some trouble with this, finding it too chatty, devoid of music, although the point it makes is a good one.

[MorpheusSandman]

Yeah, I agree with Prince. I think there's some effective aspects to this piece such as the opening water/rain metaphor, or the copper/gold one. I especially like the pillar line. This is really a prime candidate for trimming and taking those good images and crafting a more economic, poetic, laconic piece around it. Maybe throw in some music to the language and I think you could turn this from its more "chatty" nature (as Prince mentioned) to a really powerful piece of poetry.

[PeachesPieces]

yeah, had a bit of trouble with this one, just couln't perfect it but at the same time there are a few turns of phrases that i liked so much i didn't want to throw out the piece.