for ben ami

[Bar22do]

for Ben Ami

Meeting silence that day
was a wondrous encounter,
a complicity we instantly knew
was best left concealed.

My eyes in yours -
marine landscapes
with unfurled sails in cobalt depth:
flickering lights you put together
into words and meanings.

Our hands bound,
your name carved into my palm,
and I quivered,
though you wouldn’t speak.

far and near, gulls cried circling the night
in a vain effort to wound the lighthouse beams

The sea shut down;
its blinking waves paused
as if in apprehension, only to hear
our breath in the salty air,
and how we dreamt wholeness.

[~Sophia~]

What a wonderful love story! I hope with all my heart you are still in it! I love this poem Bar! So many stunning visuals, I feel like I'm watching rather than reading!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I was quite enjoying this as narrative and then, unexpectedly, experienced an element of heartbreak in that beautiful last line, the dreaming of wholeness, which implies that it remained a dream.

[MorpheusSandman]

This is a great example of narrative poetry that takes the best attributes of poetry and prose and really combines them to wonderful effect. I think it's to your credit that you hook us instantly and then really devastate us with the beauty of that last stanza. I was mesmerized by the image of the world pausing to listen in on a personal exchange. Just lovely.

[Delta40]

Meeting silence that day
was a wondrous encounter,
a complicity we instantly knew
was best left concealed.


I love this. I was instantly taken and uttered 'more oh more!'

[hack]

It is good Bar.
(you must tire of my same refrain)
But it is good, and honest, and accessible.
I thank you for this, and all your posts.
I am never disappointed.
...peace...

[blank|verse]

Yes, there's some wonderful imagery in this rather lovely poem.

I love the opening line (although think the stanza as a whole reads too much like one sentence of prose rather than several lines of poetry).

And in the second stanza, just when you're sailing too close to a cliche (cough!) you have the image of the 'unfurled sails' which is brilliant.

In fact, every stanza has an original image which makes for a strong poem - the 'name carved into my palm' and especially, for me, the sea being 'shut down' is superb.

I'm not sure I like the two lines in parentheses - I read them like I would directions in a play, in the rather hurried way I would read prose, so they spoil the effect of the poem. Could they not just be part of the rest of the poem?

But overall, it's a wonderful piece.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot to you all for comments and I apologize it took me time to get back to the site (work..) -
Sophia - thanks so much for having taken your time to WATCH my poem and for loving what you saw... -
Prince - wholeness is not of this world, is it... and I am happy you enjoyed this poem.
Morpheus - it touches me you felt the power of the arrested world, and I am thankful for your reading which added elegance to my poem.
Delta - ah, if only I could devote my time to poetry... -
hack - do tire me always (smile) with your kindly appreciation, please!
blank l verse - I appreciate your comment a great deal, I always need (de-)constructive remarks... thanks for bringing my attention to the rather dry first stanza (I see it now!) as well as to the sentence in bracket, which was meant to sort of stress, while setting aside, that no enmities would ever break what happened then...

Anyway, I will re-work the weak points of the poem and thank you all again for your feedbacks.

[qimissung]

I actually held my breath and felt my heart beat a little faster as I read this. It is devastatingly beautiful, Bar, just as it is.

[Bandanna]

Yes, the last stanza. Yes. Awesome.

[Bar22do]

qimmisung and
bandanna!
thank you so very much for your touching comments!
They make my poem better...