Adieu!

[Satan]

Adieu!

To your memories, my love
Like poison in my veins, that
Quenches my heart - intoxicated
And numb with timeless pain.
To your languor and to my woes:
Adieu!

To your tender crimson lips
That once breathed through mine
Fragrance of burning concupiscence
And whispered songs amorous.
To your silence and to my despair:
Adieu!

To your mischievous little eyes
That spoke of things unsaid
Mourned, veiled your blues, and
Yet blinked life into me.
To your griefs and to my regrets:
Adieu!

To my muse - yes you
In your reveries I am lost
Under grey skies melancholic
The swamp of sorrow engulfs.
To your red and to my black:
Adieu!

To the rift that parted the flow
Our dances of love and hope
I still have that rythm, and
If there's music in you,
To all that stands in between:
Adieu!

This is my first poem in this section of the forum. Harsh criticism, if at all possible in this case, is most welcome.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'd have wanted more of a hint that this was a somewhat less committed adieu than the persona attempts to make it seem.

[Satan]

Yes, I intended it so - a dishonest adieu. But I ran out of patience and posted it for criticism of structure. I'm practically a layman when it comes to the understanding of meters and other technicalities of poetry. Of course this is only a draft, which is an attempt at learning from the experts here.

[Bar22do]

I can't provide you with much technical guidance but I find your "dishonest" adieu rather disarming and heart warming... and I hope your next one will be "welcome back"...! thanks for this pleasant reading.

[~Sophia~]

I very much liked the surprise at the end! Nice job.

[Silas Thorne]

This is my first poem in this section of the forum. Harsh criticism, if at all possible in this case, is most welcome.


OK, I'll pick out a few bits where I thought you could have done a bit better.

'In your reveries I am lost
Under grey skies melancholic'

Why bother to use the word 'melancholic' if you can portray the feeling of the skies by other means? 'Grey' in itself carries emotional content, particularly within the context of the rest of the poem. And why 'grey skies melancholic' or 'whispered songs amorous' ? These sound unnecessarily archaic. I'm not saying that it would be a good idea now to change back the word order, but try to avoid forcing poetic flavour on your language in future. And since in other parts of the poem you use the normal spoken word order, these kinds of phrases aren't consistent.

If you think someone listening to your poem might understand what 'Fragrance of burning concupiscence' is, by all means use it, but I have no idea.

Keep it up! Keep reading more (perhaps more contemporary poetry) and writing more. Step by step walk the thousand mile road. :)

[Maryd.]

Well, Satan. I liked it. It felt deep and sure.

[MorpheusSandman]

I don't find a lot to critique about this. It's a classic example of what I tend to refer to as "list" poems in which each stanza seems to focus on one aspect of its subject and says something about it. Since you're also dealing with the most classic poetic subject of love and loss I'd avoid commonalities like "love is poison in my veins", and "swamps of sorrow". I might also suggest that if you're going to introduce an image or metaphor to develop it a bit more thoroughly. For instance, you mention their eyes "speaking" to you but then abandon the idea of eyes talking for other things. And watch mixing opposing metaphors so closely together like the swamps and skies of stanza 4 unless you can think of some way to relate them. I also think perhaps you could've built up the very musical-imagery ending.