Eight lines

[PrinceMyshkin]

I can read my thoughts in the mirror.
I can tie my shoes in the dark.
I try not to step in my own footprints
returning from the park.

By the time I reach the age I am now
God only knows how many songs I’ll have sung.
Oh, age is a rickety ladder,
without that one last rung.

[breathtest]

That last line is so beautiful, and the way the entire thing is constructed, extremely good job. My favourite line is the first one, 'I can read my thoughts in the mirror.' I assume this means you are able to look past the physical side of yourself, and all the negative things you can see in your image, to the beauty and the intelligence and the depth of character within.

[blank|verse]

[Stares hard] Is that a rhyme scheme which I see before me? In a PM poem?? :svengo:

It does work well in the context of this poem, though, lending a sort of world-weary futility to the piece - one could suggest that the inevitability of death is here echoed through the inevitability of the ryhme scheme.

There are some great images in both stanzas; as well as the mirror image (ho, ho) this is marvellous:

I try not to step in my own footprints
returning from the park.
So simple, yet so suggestive on both literal and metaphorical levels.

My only minor quibble is the last line doesn't read as fluently as I would like. Substituting an iambic word like 'without' for the trochee 'minus' seems to help, pushing the reader towards the final three stressed words, which clinch the poem.

Anyway, I've not read all of your poems, Prince, but I'm struggling to think of a better one than this...

[Bar22do]

... and God knows you love singing songs! it is most likely, therefore, that in his magnanimity, he adds another few (solid) rungs to your ladder before the final one on which you'll "crack" just as anyone else - at one hundred and twenty - singing!
A rhymed poem by PM! a welcome effective novelty. Thanks for sharing.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Many thanks Breathtest, blnk_vrz and Bar. To the two who outted me re my rhyming, think of it as the poetic equivalent of cross-dressing. Which of us does not like to do that now and then?

Blnk:
My only minor quibble is the last line doesn't read as fluently as I would like. Substituting an iambic word like 'without' for the trochee 'minus' seems to help, pushing the reader towards the final three stressed words, which clinch the poem.

I intended the last line to have a short-fall, to mimic the feeling of that missing last rung. But, you know, I'm going to go back & make the change you suggested.

[MorpheusSandman]

I think I can pretty much echo blnk vrz's entire post even though there are quite a few of your poems I'd put ahead of this one. But it's just a testament to the high quality of your poetry that this is such an excellent piece in itself but might not even make your top 10! Although, Prince, what do you mean you intended the last line to have a "short-fall"?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince, what do you mean you intended the last line to have a "short-fall"?

At just six beats I thought that line would sound short in the readers' ears, which had the merit, I hoped, of replicating the image of the missing last rung.

[hack]

Trying not to step in your own footsteps is marvelous, pregnant with so many meanings. The reader can pick one or choose a few. As to the controversial rhyming of sung with rung, I am willing to forgive, but not to forget, especially since it was apparently dark in the park, as well....peace...

[Silas Thorne]

I love the rhythm and rhyme of the poem, and the first stanza in particular. There is so much in it. :)

Just one thing: the length of the line 'God only knows how many songs I’ll have sung.' seems a bit out of place soundwise (though not sensewise!). I don't know much about this really, but the rhythm kind of jarred with me here. Probably just me. :)

[blank|verse]

the length of the line 'God only knows how many songs I’ll have sung.' [...] kind of jarred with me

I know what you mean, but I think it's defensible because it is a sudden outburst from the heart, by-passing the thinking, orderly mind. There a couple of other rhythmic bumps - "my own footprints" and "the age I am now"... but they're all part of the poem's charm.

Prince / Morpheus -

I intended the last line to have a short-fall, to mimic the feeling of that missing last rung.
I liked this idea, and tried to reduce the line to as few words as possible. But then came up with this instead...





- - - I'm
high - - -
- - - flung
up - - -
- - - strung
out - - -
- - - hung
dry - - -
- - - wrung
a burst - - -
- - - lung
on a - - -
- - - ladder
without - - -
- - - a

[MorpheusSandman]

^ Interesting interpretation Blank...


At just six beats I thought that line would sound short in the readers' ears, which had the merit, I hoped, of replicating the image of the missing last rung.Ah, I get what you're saying. I think in poetry some are more sensitive to stress and others are more sensitive to syllables; I'm much more sensible to stress and non-stress which is probably why all of my formal considerations revolve around that instead of syllables. Personally, I didn't get the sense of it being a short line but I can't speak to others.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Blnk, Silas, Morph & Hack: thank you very much for your comments.

Silas: In my concept of melody the line "God only knows how many songs I’ll have sung" does sing, which is not to claim that it ought to or would do so for everybody.

May I whine a bit (after all, it's my birthday today): Didn't ANYbody get off on "Oh, age is a rickety ladder"?

[blank|verse]

May I whine a bit (after all, it's my birthday today): Didn't ANYbody get off on "Oh, age is a rickety ladder"?

Of course - it's wonderful, as is everything you write, Prince! Happy Birthday.

[Silas Thorne]

Happy Birthday! :)

[The Walker]

Wow it really got me from the first line the first time I read it.
I like how you express how much you know yourself in the first stanza and tie it perfectly with the second one.
My favorite.
Happy Birthday Prince! Hope you have a wonderful life until the last day!

[qimissung]

I love it. It's wonderful. You caught a rather mystical, thought-provoking, just a little touch of poignancy, a dollop of icing on the cake.

Happy Birthday, PrinceMyshkin. I'm glad you were born. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Qimissung, Blnk, Silas, TheWalker: many thanks. I had something like 5 days of festivities followed by 3 days of enforced hiatus from my PC.