First Post- not yet titled

[Oread]

edited

[OctopusGarden]

The first thing I noticed was that if you string the lines together they are sentences, which takes a lot away from your imagery, which you have used quite often in your poem. Maybe try being less concrete in your words and let the ideas and images be the attraction of your piece.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think there is an amazing flow and dazzling, unpretentious imagery throughout this. I can see that titling it will be hard. Good luck! Check out any of the poems by paperleaves which, I suspect, will appeal to you.

[PeachesPieces]

amazing... my only comment is that the word "thing" pops up a few times and you might see if you can find another word to take the place of one of them. still, as a first poem, even as a last poem, this is beautiful and i thank you for sharing.

[Bar22do]

Your poem runs or slips down, in desperation, into its unavoidable "death end" (or valley...). It reads as a shortened epic and is very well written! (I would only avoid repeating "like the rest", but perhaps you intended it this way). Thanks!

[paperleaves]

I adore this! your style is free and loose, but your imagery concise...
thanks for sharing--anticipating more!


love
kate

[Oread]

Thank you everyone for the comments and suggestions!