Never Forgive You

[Bashayer]

Forgive me for the errors here because English is my second language, also because this poem is my first poems.


You were a liar in every thing …
In your smiles , emotions , and even in your breathe …
Because you are a lair …
I will never forgive you …
Because you make me sad like a bird with broken wings …
Your smile only bring me tears …

Wait criticize

Bashayer Habib:angel:

[PrinceMyshkin]

[COLOR="Teal"]You were a liar in every thing …
In your smiles , emotions , and even in your breathe …
Because you are a lair …
I will never forgive you …
Because you make me sad like a bird with broken wings …
Your smile only bring me tears …

Wait criticize

Bashayer Habib:angel:

"Wait criticize" doesn't seem to belong to the poem at all, but the poem as a whole seems a bit too short for me, after the flatly dismissive first line, followed by the itemizations of the way in which he lied.

It seems to me it calls for one particular moment, one instance of his lying before it comes to that equally authoritative conclusion.

"A bird with broken wings" is a cliche inasmuch as it has frequently been used to designate a small thing that has lost its freedom to fly, that is, to be fully itself.

[Bashayer]

"Wait criticize" doesn't seem to belong to the poem at all, but the poem as a whole seems a bit too short for me, after the flatly dismissive first line, followed by the itemizations of the way in which he lied.

It seems to me it calls for one particular moment, one instance of his lying before it comes to that equally authoritative conclusion.

"A bird with broken wings" is a cliche inasmuch as it has frequently been used to designate a small thing that has lost its freedom to fly, that is, to be fully itself.


Thank You so much .

[paperleaves]

Congrats for posting a poem in your second language! I've always wondered what it would be like to post a poem on a highly-dominated Spanish forum in Spanish, and see what kind of criticisms I receive. I don't believe that "wait criticize" was part of your poem, was it?
My suggestion to you is to use more imagery. PrinceMyshkin was right about a bird with broken wings being an overused cliche but I trust you can experiment more with imagery and create an even better crafted poem!


love
Kate

[MorpheusSandman]

Poetry is hard enough in one's native language to try composing it in another! I certainly commend your effort but my criticisms would be aligned with what Prince said.

[drakemortuare13]

Very nice. You portrayed your emotions quite well, and in a secondary language. Keep up the good work, I hope to see more of your poetry soon