First attempted poem on this forum

[LeDave]

Hey everybody my name is Dave and this is my first attempt at a poem since middle school. Please criticize and help me become a better writer. I actually have no clue how to write a poem right now and I can only do rhymes.

Her Presence Is My Existence

Her beauty is the moon's gravitational pull,
Keeping the earth within me a whole.
Without the tenderness of her heart,
the ocean will tear my eyes apart.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Read, read, read lots of poems, on here and elsewhere. Forget about rhyme for now. That's like trying to learn how to ride a horse with the reins around your neck.

[Babyguile]

Your username is the same as mine only it uses a spanish article, or could that be French too? Hmm

Well the poem then: it's OK. Nothing too interesting going on but as this is your first poem you are definately competent at this level in my humble opinion. Just keep writing more and more and reading more poetry and see the way peots use language etc.

[MorpheusSandman]

Yeah, this is a nice short piece that uses a simple but well developed metaphor on the most ancient of poetic subject matters; love. Perhaps not the most original take or metaphor but an effective one nonetheless. Definitely read a lot of poetry, read a lot of poetry criticism, go learn about poetic techniques and practice, practice, write, write, and always approach it as a learning experience towards getting better and better.

[LeDave]

Thanks you all, will read more. What would be some of your some suggestions for making this better?




but as this is your first poem you are definately competent at this level in my humble opinion

Thanks! That definitely made me want to learn even more.

[Silas Thorne]

Thanks you all, will read more. What would be some of your some suggestions for making this better?



I liked the pull/ whole endings. I think removing 'a' would be better. :) Perhaps 'the oceans would..' too? You could even change 'eyes' to 'I', which would be interesting, and connect with the title more, I think. This is just me though.

[LeDave]

I liked the pull/ whole endings. I think removing 'a' would be better. :) Perhaps 'the oceans would..' too? You could even change 'eyes' to 'I', which would be interesting, and connect with the title more, I think. This is just me though.

Thanks! I prefer 'would' better than 'will' also. and I also prefer removing 'a' also. It sounds nicer, will keep these in mind when making my next poem.

However I don't know about changing eyes to I. That line was suppose to make tear sound both like tear as in ripping apart, as well as tear as in crying; so it means the ocean will cry for me/and or I will cry a ocean, the ocean will destroy me. She is the moon that keeps me alive, she is the gravitational pull that stabilizes the ocean or more so, me. So if I replace it with I, it would take away the tears for crying.

Hope to hear back from you about this and more suggestions! As well as other's also, thanks!

[Silas Thorne]

Oh, read the other 'tear' when I read it. Cool, it is all up to you anyway. :) Keep reading, writing, and creating!

[LeDave]

Her desire is the moon's gravitational pull,
Keeping the earth within me whole.
Without the warmth of her heart,
Oceans would tear my eyes apart.

Well I've remade the poem you guys. I added desire instead of beauty because I desire her. The earth within refers to my life. The warmth of her heart refers to her being alive. and I already described the last line. Please review, re-analyze, and re-criticize. Thanks! Suggestions also.

[blazeofglory]

Hey everybody my name is Dave and this is my first attempt at a poem since middle school. Please criticize and help me become a better writer. I actually have no clue how to write a poem right now and I can only do rhymes.

Her Presence Is My Existence

Her beauty is the moon's gravitational pull,
Keeping the earth within me a whole.
Without the tenderness of her heart,
the ocean will tear my eyes apart.

I like the poem but the way you used rhymes and rhyme kind of mars the beauty of a poem in fact. Let us not use rhyme for that cripples a living poem and a poem can be good, musical, rhythmical without rhymes and with rhymes you are making a kind of poetic injustice for your poem could be more sonorous and vibrant had you averted rhymes.

[blank|verse]

I like the sentiment of this and don't have a problem with your using rhyme - in fact, think it works well here, as it is a poem in which you're discussing beauty (or were!). The fact that you use rhyme indicates that you're attempting to mimic her beauty through the harmony of your words - through your poetry. Rhyme is an essential tool in poetry, and used in the right place, has a devastating effect. Ignore people who say poets don't use rhyme any more, they obviously don't read any modern poetry.

I would have liked to have read more of this. Perhaps you felt what you're written was good enough and couldn't write anything else that sustained the metaphor or imagery?

My only concerns are with the inconsistencies of the metaphor - I kind of see what you're saying, but don't think it's been expressed strongly enough. I don't see how the moon's 'gravitational pull' keeps the real earth 'a whole' so struggle to see how it works as a metaphor. Then you swap from the moon (quite a cold place, I believe) to talking about her warmth. And then you talk about oceans - it's just a bit too much, particularly in such a short piece, where every word counts. Metaphors like this work better when they can be sustained and previously unnoticed details can be teased out through the poetry.

Also, rhythmically, when you read the last line, the main stress falls on 'eyes', not 'apart' so falls flat as a line of poetry, particularly reading what has come before, where the stress does fall on the last word.

I hope you take all this as constructive criticism - I can go on a bit - but I do think there is something here to build on for future poems, so, as the others have said - keep going.