Idyll

[Zeniyama]

Corn down the chute:
The miller's bounty.

High up in the sky,
The sun warms
The sweet summer air:

No clouds in the sky
To rain tears
On my joyful dream.

Lying drowsy beneath a tree,
I watch the men
at work in the fields;
I wish that I, too,
Could work in the fields--
Wearing one of the patched up,
Dusty pairs of overalls--
And feel the warm,
Brown Mother Earth
Beneath my feet.

I close my eyes,
And take a deep breath.
---------------
Comments/Criticisms welcome.
I haven't really attempted writing a poem in a good while, so this is pretty much me trying to get started up again.

[Bar22do]

Corn down the chute:
The miller's bounty.

High up in the sky,
The sun warms
The sweet summer air:

No clouds in the sky
To rain tears
On my joyful dream.

Lying drowsy beneath a tree,
I watch the men
at work in the fields;
I wish that I, too,
Could work in the fields--
Wearing one of the patched up,
Dusty pairs of overalls--
And feel the warm,
Brown Mother Earth
Beneath my feet.

I close my eyes,
And take a deep breath.
---------------
Comments/Criticisms welcome.
I haven't really attempted writing a poem in a good while, so this is pretty much me trying to get started up again.

This is refreshing and graceful!!

"No clouds in the sky
To rain tears
On my joyful dream."

is both simple and original.

I would avoid the repetiton (at work in the fields/work in the fields).
I also have a question: since you lie beneath the tree and are drowsy, how come you feel like working in the fields? and what need! since your whole body feels the Brown Mother Earth! but this little lack of consistency takes not of the pace and charm of your little poem! Thank you!

[MorpheusSandman]

I really think you render the simpleness and, indeed, idyllic nature of the subject well. I like the image of drowsily lying beneath a tree watching others work.

[Zeniyama]

I thank you both! It's very good to hear nice things about my poetry...

@Bar22do: Thanks for the comments; I hadn't really noticed my inconsistencies until you pointed them out to me.

[blank|verse]

Personally, I didn't have a problem with you day-dreaming about working - you're still sitting there thinking about it and not actually doing it, so there's a nice irony to that. (I'm desperately trying to remember a quote, something like: "Nothing makes me more tired than watching other people at work" - it reminded me of that anyway.)

I liked the simplicity of it though (and wrote one in a similar form myself recently - see 'A Song for Clare' on page 2 of the forum).

However, I would say that I think you should try and get some more balance to the poem. The differing lengths of the stanzas are a bit disruptive to the flow of what you're expressing. In poetry, you should try to achieve a balance between content (what is being expressed) and form (the way in which it is being expressed).

Techniques like rhyme and metre (can) have a certain comfort to them - in this poem you clearly are comfortable and enjoying the scenery, and I think are trying to make the reader feel the same way. An apt way of communicating this through poetry is to use things like rhyme and metre. When you break from the regularity of the stanza form and line lengths, you break the comfort for the reader.

I like the sense of development from simple observations (an external view) to your reflections (internal) which is nicely done. It's a thoughtful poem.

As a last point - if you've not read Keats's 'Ode on Indolence' it is worth tracking down - I think you would enjoy it.