Losing Patience

[Shubert]

Thanks for all the critiques!

[MarkBastable]

...I'm brand new here. I just finished up a short story after not writing anything for 5 years and would love to hear and and all critiques, especially if you can give me specific examples. I don't want to hear "it like it/hated it" unless you give me reasons why. ...

It might be an idea to hang out here a while - to contribute to a few threads, to offer critiques of other work, to become part of the community - rather than to post something of your own within minutes of signing up, expecting us to spend time considering it - especially when you give such peremptory instructions about how you want us to express our reaction.

I mean, it'd be polite to get to know us before ordering us about, don't you think?

[Shubert]

It might be an idea to hang out here a while - to contribute to a few threads, to offer critiques of other work, to become part of the community - rather than to post something of your own within minutes of signing up, especially when you give such peremptory instructions about how you want us to express our reaction.

I mean, it'd be polite to get to know us before ordering us about, don't you think?

I was under the impression that this was where people could post their short stories for other people to review, was I incorrect? What I really want is some critiques. If that offends you, I apologize. As for "peremptory instructions," I hardly think asking for examples translates to "ordering you about." If you don't want to read it, you don't have to, it's not an assignment. Speaking of which, did you read the story? For someone so easily offended, you'd think you'd realize it's rude to berate a forum noob (although i suppose that part's customary) without even reading his story!

If anybody has any STORY CRITIQUES, I'd love to hear them, otherwise and with all due respect, you can keep it yourself. Thanks!

[MarkBastable]

Speaking of which, did you read the story? For someone so easily offended, you'd think you'd realize it's rude to berate a forum noob (although i suppose that part's customary) without even reading his story!



It's not customary. You're a special case.

I did read it, yes.

[Shubert]

It's not customary. You're a special case.

I did read it, yes.

As I've said, I'd love to be able to keep this thread to critiques only, so unless you have a story critique, please keep it to yourself or send me a a personal message. I'd love to hear why you think you need to continue sabotaging my thread instead of giving me a simple story critique. Remember though (I feel I need to repeat for you), in a PERSONAL MESSAGE.

[MarkBastable]

As you asked so nicely....


Losing Patience Page 1/6

Written by Shubert!

Walter Atkinson paced around awkwardly (I think you need to improve the adverb - it's difficult to see how one paces awkwardly) as he waited for the bus. He passed the time as he often did; by hating his life. He would have done a crossword, but that morning the little book he had always kept in his back pocket decided to drown itself in his toilet. (This comes over as a bit of a nonsequitur. The bit about the crossword book needs either to be explained, in order to give it context, or it needs to be more concisely expressed, in order to be a throwaway reference. I think the real problem with it though is that it shifts the reader's focus from the scene at the bus-stop - and it's too early to do that, because the narrative isn't yet sufficiently anchored in that place and at that time.)

Walter had always pictured himself as the poster boy (stock phrase, devoid of impact) for Murphy’s Law (and so's that, to be honest), but lately he felt more like a test-subject in a junior high science experiment. (This is a bit of a cul-de-sac. What kind of test-subject in what kind of experiment, and why junior high? What is the reader intended to imagine at this point? A rat? A white mouse? A frog? Th reference looks as though it's supposed to tell us something about the guy's view of the world, but it's not clear what.) His car had spent more time lately at the mechanic’s than on the road (This looks like it's going to be an expansion on the 'experiment' reference, simply because it's right after it. As it's a kiind of focus shift, I'd start a new paragraph here...), so Walter reluctantly subjected himself to the horrors of public transit. The pungent reek of garbage invaded his nostrils (redundancy - 'pungent' is always olefactory, so you don't need 'reek', and 'nostrils' is a bit unncessary too. I'd suggest recasting the sentence.) as he stamped around (you used this verb+around construction before - it might be advisable not to repeat it) the bus stop impatiently. He breathed in heavily, ignoring the putrid smell (Again, difficult to envisage - if he breathed heavily how did he ignore the smell.). He was fed up with the garbage-dump of a city he lived in. He was sick of the pigeons that infested it. He was sick of their ****, and the frequency that it found itself sitting (this construction doesn't work - and it's something to do with the idea of birdsh*t 'finding itself sitting'. The investment, even implicitly, of consciousness in guano doesn't flow.) on his five dollar combover.

Those goddamn ****ing pigeons.

The world was literally ****ting all over him, and he was sick of it.

Then Walter was hit by a bus. (Whether or not this works will depend entirely on the next sentence of the story.)

Overall, I think the piece needs some brutal revision. You need to get the reader involved in the situation - and that means clarity of place, comprehension of character and interest in the progression of events. I think you've got the last one covered - it's the first two that need work.

[Steven Hunley]

Ouch! Mark should be Constable, not Bastable, as he sure suggested how to police you up! (sorry about that) My only suggestion is to change the word 'stamped' to "stomped" and please Sir, can you tell me the meaning of "combover"? Other than that, it's clear to me. I liked it. But how it can continue is hard to imagine.

[Shubert]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[loki456]

Wow, Mark sure went rank on you. but alas, I do have to agree to a certain extent, but before I make my critique, please note I have not read your second piece, since i'm at work and don't particularly have the time. so let me continue.

I do have to agree with Mark on a couple of points, there seems to be a problem with sensibilities and extraction of the subject. for example, how do you pass time by hating your life - hate refers to a statement of mindset, you pass time by eliciting action, whether it be thought or physical. hence he passed the time by hating his life is non-sensical. the reader (me) would have been far me enthused to hear about how he hated his life, and what he did in that mind set to pass the time. the question of why he hated his life comes to mind as well (but like i said you may address that later - so i'm not too worried about that yet).

now expansion of the subject. you told us that he had felt like a poster boy for murphy's law - quite cliche, but I liked it. and then you went on to tell us that he now felt like an experiment in a highschool classroom. to me it was disjointed, the character was losing their appeal because i was being thrust about with trying to understand why he was like this. so to me it would have been better to either make the sentence more clear with adding reasons behind each of the statements i.e - why an experiment, what made him feel like an experiment? and why a high school experiment? was his life that nubile and immature? i don't know, i have no idea where you are taking me with that sentence. now I love similies - which is what you used, as they exact different imagery for each person, but the similie needs to have a hint of explanation, which can be threaded through in the next sentence.

overall I think the story held me long enough to want to read the next part, but I would like to see more character progression and explanation of certain descriptions. I know you said you didn't want me to tell you whether I liked it or disliked it, but if you don't want to find out how the populous responds, then pardon the simpleton vernacular...'you are stupid'. A story is written for yourself, it's a part of you and you share it to allow others to respond and the majority will respond with one of two answers - i liked it, or i didn't like it. so to get a fair understanding of how your story is being recieved you should get used to these statements. so ad infinatum - 'i liked it'.

[Shubert]

Thanks Loki for your critique. I also agreed with Mark about most of his points, and you make some good ones as well.



hence he passed the time by hating his life is non-sensical.


One that I'm still not sure if I agree with you or not on, is my very first sentence. I wanted to convey that he was actively hating his life, putting every fibre of his being into it, rather than just "thinking about how he hated his life at the bus stop." So hating as a sort of "non-sensical" verb was completely on purpose. I still like the idea of him "spending his time by hating his life" but if you have a suggestion of how I could better convey the idea, I would love to hear it.



I know you said you didn't want me to tell you whether I liked it or disliked it

Sorry if you got that idea. I should probably clear this up. What I actually said was: "I don't want to hear "I liked it/hated it" unless you give me reasons why."

Apologies again if I came off as pompous, the reason I said this was because I've read some of the "critiques" on this and other websites where people simply state "i liked it" or "it was good" and that in itself doesn't help me at all, unless you can tell me WHY you thought that. I hope that makes sense, and I'm glad that you did like it! If you get a chance to read the rest, I'd love to hear what else you have to say. Thanks again! Your critique was like a warm scoop of ice cream. How's that for a non-sensical simile?

[loki456]

Hey don't be sorry, I re-read what you had said, and it was i that was mistaken.

Also I don't mind using a verb in a somewhat 'non-sensical' fashion. hell, i do it all the time, I think following it up with description is good adage to it though. for eg, "He passed the time as he often did; by hating his life. His body strewn across the bench, life passed inch by inch, mediocrity had become his undoing and in the end what he hated most, was not his life, but himself". now that was on the fly, so pardon any dis-respect to the emotion you were trying to convey. also, you can see i used 'life passed inch by inch', now how the F(*& does life pass something inch by inch? time is a constant which is measured by different means. but as you can see, the following sentence added him 'lying' across a bench, the imagery is one of some one apathetic, not wanting to be where he currently is and the statement 'life passed inch by inch' provided emotional congruence to the action. this sentence provides a simple explanation to a verb used non-sensically and gives the reader a new found depth to the emotion of him 'hating' his life. I guess that's what you missed, that emotion to the action.

don't know if that helps, don't even know if it is right, but that's how i like to follow up sentences like that.

hope it has helped.