How I figure it when I die -

[Bar22do]

light to light

I stand naked before the Never Born:
a wintered shade of time blighted woods;
no skin, muscles, fascias or bones;
no Words, only -
pure transparent shine
crystal clear.
It is my decision when I go
to drown in my light His mighty scaffold
with the power of continuing mind
relieved of life’s shadows.
We fight an unequal duel
light to light
His greater, mine apart.
He wins -
something dwindles down and is gone -
but then He clasps the last beat of my heart in His,
in His to me still mysterious essence, off the cliff.
I know this is real. And what is behind
was a dream of hardship, sorrow and rare joys.

Yet I think I miss life’s cloudy wandering
never enough explored.
And I am ready to resume the dream
as soon as Words, bones and my eyes
agree to ascend it with me.

[MorpheusSandman]

Definitely a very powerful piece. I love how you descend to death into an imagined metaphysical battle with God (I'm assuming) only to find yourself emerging back into life by the end. It's powerful stuff. I might suggest eliminating some of the lines though; try to keep the theme clear and watch out for some of the conflicting imagery.

[qimissung]

Ve-r-r-ry interesting theme, which you handled quite well. It remended me of a miniature "Paradise Lost," only of course, your not Satan (I hope). "I miss life's cloudy wanderings..."; I love this imagery...

[blazeofglory]

light to light

I stand naked before the Never Born:
a wintered shade of time blighted woods;
no skin, muscles, fascias or bones;
no Words, only -
pure transparent shine
crystal clear.
It is my decision when I go
to drown in my light His mighty scaffold
with the power of continuing mind
relieved of life’s shadows.
We fight an unequal duel
light to light
His greater, mine apart.
He wins -
something dwindles down and is gone -
but then He clasps the last beat of my heart in His,
in His to me still mysterious essence, off the cliff.
I know this is real. And what is behind
was a dream of hardship, sorrow and rare joys.

Yet I think I miss life’s cloudy wandering
never enough explored.
And I am ready to resume the dream
as soon as Words, bones and my eyes
agree to ascend it with me.
This is highly spiritually illuminating poem and I am gone into rapture and of course a poem of this beauty and grandiloquence goes beyond the ordinary and it awakens us to the reality we are despite the fact that we never can realize our real potentials

[PrinceMyshkin]

What a fearless dialogue with the unseen other! My only suggestion is that the long first stanza reads like too much for one breath, which is how it reads with its run-on lines. I would suggest a few earlier line breaks, to better approximate that the persona reflects, then resumes:


light to light

I stand naked before the Never Born:
a wintered shade of time blighted woods;
no skin, muscles, fascias or bones;
no Words, only -
pure transparent shine
crystal clear.

It is my decision when I go
to drown in my light His mighty scaffold
with the power of continuing mind
relieved of life’s shadows.

We fight an unequal duel
light to light
His greater, mine apart.
He wins -
something dwindles down and is gone -
but then He clasps the last beat of my heart in His,
in His to me still mysterious essence, off the cliff.

I know this is real. And what is behind
was a dream of hardship, sorrow and rare joys.

Yet I think I miss life’s cloudy wandering
never enough explored.
And I am ready to resume the dream
as soon as Words, bones and my eyes
agree to ascend it with me.

Brava!

[Bar22do]

Hello! and thank you Morpheus, qim, Blaze and Prince - your comments are always much valued.

Morpheus and Prince: am grateful for your remarks and will go over what I wrote again; I do not feel it is "me" (at this point at least) to break the poem into stanzas, but I understand what you are saying about one breath. I will look for whatever is conflicting here, Morpheus. Thanks again!,

Blaze: this life is so precious indeed, perhaps this is what this confrontation meant to claim...

qim: no less than that, you say... :blush2: - you are too kind!
Although I would more fight to heal the earth rather than to poison it, my rebellious nature (which may thus bear a touch of the satanic) would never accept to "bow and sue for grace with suppliant knee," before no force, before no non-being! But I would gladly enslave myself to the cause of Art, especially Art of Living...

[Bar22do]

In the light of your precious remarks and with the help of the wise:smile5:, I re-thought my poem and made some changes; would you have a look and tell me if it reads better this way? (Morpheus, I worked on the conflicting imagery...) (I was not able to change the rather clumsy title of this thread) - thanks in advance...

light to light

I stand naked before Usurper God:
I, wintry shade of time blighted woods
stripped of skin, fascias, bones,
of Words; now only
crystal transparent shine.
I want to drown, in my own light,
His dreadful hideous scaffold,
to crush it with my intact mind,
lightened of life’s shadows.
We fight an unequal duel -
light to light.
His greater, mine apart.
He wins -
(for something
dwindles down
and is gone)
- then catches the last beat of my heart, for His.

I know this is real. And what is behind
was a dream of hardship, sorrow and rare joys.

But I long for life’s cloudy wanderings,
for wind howling in the trees,
I miss woods at twilight
and wish, oh!, to resume the dream,
as soon as Words, bones and my eyes
agree to ascend it with me.

[MorpheusSandman]

Yes, I think the new one reads much better with a much better flow and a consistency to its themes and images. Those last lines remind me especially of one of my favorite quotes from the poetic film "Wings of Desire" as spoken by one of the angels: "It's great to live by the spirit, to testify day by day for eternity, only what's spiritual in people's minds. But sometimes I'm fed up with my spiritual existence. Instead of forever hovering above I'd like to feel a weight grow in me to end the infinity and to tie me to earth. I'd like, at each step, each gust of wind, to be able to say "Now." Now and now" and no longer "forever" and "for eternity."

[hack]

It is beautiful. I liked the first version but I really love the second. Very direct. Succinct. I like it very much Bar. My maternal grandmother, a Presbyterian in almost every other respect, was an unrepentant believer in reincarnation. She was a sect of one. I hope that she chose wisely and sits alone in heaven now.

[qimissung]

I think it might be a little better, but I miss the phrase "Never Born" in the beginning, and "life's cloudy wanderings" in the last stanza, Bar. I do like the line "I want to drown, in my own light, his dreadful hideous scaffold" a lot, and I love the addition i the last stanza the line "I miss woods at twilight."

I think you have managed to make it a little more wistful, more poignant at the end. Is that the effect you were reaching for?

This is a lovely work. We all fight for something, to live, to die, for love or country, or for art, and I think this speaks very well for the eternal battle we rage with ourselves about how we will live and for what.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think all in all that this is an improved version, less self-consciously a Poem and more personally a testament. One or two small suggestions below:


I
light to light

I stand naked before/ usurper God:requires an article, either "the" or "a"
I, wintry shade of time blighted woods
stripped of skin, fascias, bones,
of Words; now only
crystal transparent shine.Especially in view of my suggested new stanza, below, I would suggest you begin one here
I want to drown, in my own light,
His dreadful hideous scaffold, Consider moving"to crush" to the beginning of this line
to crush it with my intact mind
lightened of life’s shadows. I thought these two lines were a bit congested. Consider "to crush it with my mind, intact, / but lightened...
We fight an unequal duel -I'd begin a new stanza here
light to light.
His greater, mine apart.
He wins -
(for something
dwindles down
and is gone) There's something very poignant about these lines heightened by the shortness of the lines
- then catches the last beat of my heart, for His.

I know this is real. And what is behind
was a dream of hardship, sorrow and rare joys.

But I long for life’s meanderings,
for wind howling in the trees,
I miss woods at twilight
and wish, oh!, to resume the dream,
as soon as Words, bones and my eyes
agree to ascend it with me.


This last stanza is a great improvement over how it ended before. The sense of a yearning, confiding voice is very strong here.

[Bar22do]

Thank you all very much for your second reading and feedbacks.

Prince: my testament, you say, hmm..., at least temporary testament, as long as I dispose of Time... a Will, for sure.

qim: had I felt this poem were really really good, I would have dedicated it to you, for your sense (and defence!) of it; it was first written in a sort of fast staccato burst, catching evidently too much in one go and, and as a result, rather obscure; this reworked version discloses more my rebellion on one hand, the longing, on the other, then the firm conviction that basically, thought is formation and that human will has materializing power.
I too liked "the cloudy wanderings" and I may restore it before I finally confide the whole little thing to my computer's "scribblings" file.

Sophia: very special thanks to you, for your so valuable, effective and discreet contribution (I hope you do not mind!)

hack: it is so nice to know you love it! unlike your grandmother, I do not believe in reincarnation, but I do not believe in Insuperable neither, therefore I learn... ("you can't make bricks without straw", they say)

MorpheusS: the message(s) of "Wings of Desire", ever since I saw this fine, so fine a movie, accompany my life! You made me happy with this association and quote! At times, in an unspoken depth of what is my being, I meditate on the (never enough claimed) legitimacy of one eternal Present at all levels (some ancient languages have a term for such an all encompassing NOW)...