JonathanLockely
02-06-2010, 04:03 AM
So this is my first short story, and I'm now have second thoughts about posting it, as it seems a bit silly to me in retrospect. But I shall post it anyways what have I to lose, neh? Well other than your respect :D
Critique please!!!
Hani Ismael
2/5/2010
The Lonely God
It's a scene of such beauty, one that I don't believe has ever touched my eyes before. But seeing as how I can remember nothing of my past, I suppose it's only natural to feel this way. From my vantage point on this unnamed mountaintop I could see for miles, a vast stretch of boiling clouds in every conceviable direction, reflecting the colour of the sun and sky and painting the world with startling oranges, pinks, and reds and the deepest blues my eyes could handle. It was a sight to weep at. Now if I only knew how I got on this damnable mountaintop. I woke up about 2 days ago, my mind blank as a babe's. There was only one thing I was fairly certain of, that being that I was a god.
An interesting word, "God". I'm not entirely sure what it means to be one, If it is special, ordinary or even shunned upon. Is this world filled with gods? Or am I the only one? What does it mean to be a god? The only thing I could say with absolute certainty was that it was lonely. And with having nothing else to compare it to, I can say It's the loneliest feeling in the world. but dwelling on the problem has never solved it, only action can do that. With a deep sigh, and one last look out at that forbidding horizon what seemed to personify my entire existence I turned and walked back to the clearing I had awoken in.
As I strode into the clearing I've called home for the last few days, I'm struck by the wonder of the place; for on this barren mountaintop a long ago disaster caused the top of the mountain to fall off at a small gradient, forming a very large mostly flat space with the result being that the area that was left tilted just enough to make one a little uncomfortable to be there. There was no hint of how long ago this had happened, but somehow over the years soil had gotten up here, probably blown up by the wind, or maybe the squirrels just brought it up bit by bit, to create a haven where they could live free from persecution. Of what the squirrels needed to hide from was a laughable question, for other than the birds that flew by, they were the largest creature I had seen yet.
Maybe they hid from me, or other's like me if there were any. A morose thought that. Was it a god's mission to persecute squirrels? Was that how I ended up here, with no memory? I could almost imagine stalking through the trees, grinning as my prey came into sight. Only to have the tables turn, and to be struck down from behind by a coward's blow, two squirrels making sure I would never remember their lot again. I chuckled at the thought, warding off the Idea of the little creatures gaining the advantage over me. I certainly hope I wasn't to kill them, I rather enjoyed them on the whole.
Turning around I walked to the middle of the clearing. after two days, I was starting to feel restless. no matter how perfect this retreat was (other than the squirrels of course, who had become delighted in pelting me with various nuts and such. A rather clever idea on their part, probably as a result of all the persecution they had suffered at the hands of me and mine.) I had a place in the world. Like an itch between my shoulderblades, of which I have experienced exactly three, I was drawn to leave this place. Somewhere, a god was needed. But how to find them, these masses of mine? As I pondered this a thought struck me. Anything that I was to be the god of must be able to communicate with me. It was the simplest of answers. If I could communicate, I had found my people. I sensed this was not the whole answer, but it was enough for now.
Pacing back and forth I thought long and hard, and decided to see if I was the god of squirrels. maybe my lot in life was to lead squirrels in a war against other gods. Or then again maybe as a god I would be the lowest ranking of the squirrels, fit only to bring them food, and wipe their furry feet. The last one seemed much more likely due to their preference for causing me physical harm. But communication had to be the anwer, for as a god I seemed to be blessed with cognitive functions, a decent vocabulary, and selective memory loss as well.
As I reflected on what my social status was with these squirrel's, I spotted one of the particularly nasty brutes, a big black squirrel roughly half again the size of the nearest brother of his species, If any were to lead the great squirrelish nation it would be him. So summoning what confidence I had, I strode towards the squirrel. As I came nearer, he stood up on his hind legs and started chattering away. I stopped and listened but couldn't seem to understand what he was trying to communicate. I decided to try speaking back, and said "Greetings, ser squirrel, I apologize for not making your aquaintance earlier, or for failing to learn your name. I am but a humble god, with no idea where I am, and I wonder If I might pardon you for help?" or attempted to. it sounded like a dry rasp being ground over bonemeal, and crushed between boulders. It sounded as the mountaintop must have when it first ground off all those years ago.
"Hello!" I tried again, discovering my own voice at last. And was it beautiful. it put that babbling brook to shame, made the sunset pale, and even the trees seemed to die a little in the splendor of my voice. An urge soared through me.. A tickle at the back of my mind, a word called.. Singing. Ah singing, it sounded like a good idea, at least. I take in a deep breath, fill my lungs and just let the words roll right out of my mind, "..." My voice was deep, yet light, and unheard of on this lonely mountaintop. I sat there enamored by my own voice which seemed to be singing on it's own accord, and noted with wonder that It seemed as though by bringing my voice into the world, It made the sky dim, and the whole world turn a bit darker. Like the world died a bit from beauty. Odd concept, neh?
Hours later I finally stopped, and my voice seemed to still move through the trees shaking them in a ghostly dance. Weaving a haunting melody filled with sadness, and pain that only those who know themselves to be truly alone in the world can know. To my surprise the black squirrel had curled up next to me through the long hours I spent singing, and didn't stir now that I finished. his head snuggled against me, and to my wandering thoughts seemed to be attempting to comfort me. I had a startling idea that maybe even beings as small as this could be lonely and looking down at the small body as it curled next to me, I knew it to be true, probably the truest thing I had discovered so far. I also thought, maybe even hoped a little, that this little squirrel who henceforth shall be Brute, would never leave my side again. As I sat there thinking on these new ideas, The sky faded to that deepest of black's and the night passed in silent reverence until finally the pinks started appearing, breaking through the black and setting the world on fire. Thus having the noticeable effect of bringing me out of my reprieve.
As I strolled around the clearing on the third day, I thought more
on my failed communication with Brute. It seemed that I had managed to communicate with him on a more intimate level, and although I knew I would never be truly lonely with him around, I also knew this wasn't the communication that my heart cried out for. I wasn't made to be the god of squirrels. I pondered being the god of birds, but gave it up as ludicrous. I couldn't very well be the god who couldn't fly! I'd be the laughing stock of all birds everywhere! It was then that I decided that I had to leave this clearing, leave this mountain, leave this world if need be. I had no possessions, owning only the thoughts in my head. I could not, nor would I claim ownership over this immaculate creature which chose to join me on my journey, but in a way it seemed he claimed me and declared me his property. like he stood on my shoulder and roared "This is my god!" And although I couldn't be the Squirrelish god, I knew I could be the god of this one little squirrel.
Leaving these thoughts alone for now, I stood up and realized I didn't even know how I looked. considering this, I walked towards the brook, which was rather fast moving but was damned up at a bend by a fallen log. In that relatively clear pool I knelt down and had my first look at myself. long brown hairs covered my head and face, very straggly. I had deepset eyes, that shone sometimes silver sometimes a deep copper, all in intervals as I examined myself. Other than that, I was rather dirty and had a crooked nose and good teeth. A rather fine specimen of godhood if I do say so myself. Smiling, I stood and started my journey.
It's easy to get off a mountain I believe. You just have to jump. But as I thought about it, I assumed this wasn't quite the best way for me. I didn't know if falls were dangerous to gods, but until I knew more I decided not to risk it. looking around I decided to strike out to the left towards the sun, just past the middle of the sky. I started humming, and although it wasn't robust and full-bodied like yesterday's That same curious effect occured and the sky seemed to dim once more. setting a deliberate pace I reached the edge of the mountain rather sooner than I thought I would, and set about climbing over the edge.
It was a pretty easy climb as climbs go; this drawn from my wide experience of.. Oh no climbs. but what's a god to do? As I neared the halfway point of the mountain I saw the roiling clouds that covered the world, and made it such a beautiful place with the fires it painted across the sky. I wondered what was below it? Purgatory perhaps? if so I would take my chances. moving one foot at a time I started my descent again.
Critique please!!!
Hani Ismael
2/5/2010
The Lonely God
It's a scene of such beauty, one that I don't believe has ever touched my eyes before. But seeing as how I can remember nothing of my past, I suppose it's only natural to feel this way. From my vantage point on this unnamed mountaintop I could see for miles, a vast stretch of boiling clouds in every conceviable direction, reflecting the colour of the sun and sky and painting the world with startling oranges, pinks, and reds and the deepest blues my eyes could handle. It was a sight to weep at. Now if I only knew how I got on this damnable mountaintop. I woke up about 2 days ago, my mind blank as a babe's. There was only one thing I was fairly certain of, that being that I was a god.
An interesting word, "God". I'm not entirely sure what it means to be one, If it is special, ordinary or even shunned upon. Is this world filled with gods? Or am I the only one? What does it mean to be a god? The only thing I could say with absolute certainty was that it was lonely. And with having nothing else to compare it to, I can say It's the loneliest feeling in the world. but dwelling on the problem has never solved it, only action can do that. With a deep sigh, and one last look out at that forbidding horizon what seemed to personify my entire existence I turned and walked back to the clearing I had awoken in.
As I strode into the clearing I've called home for the last few days, I'm struck by the wonder of the place; for on this barren mountaintop a long ago disaster caused the top of the mountain to fall off at a small gradient, forming a very large mostly flat space with the result being that the area that was left tilted just enough to make one a little uncomfortable to be there. There was no hint of how long ago this had happened, but somehow over the years soil had gotten up here, probably blown up by the wind, or maybe the squirrels just brought it up bit by bit, to create a haven where they could live free from persecution. Of what the squirrels needed to hide from was a laughable question, for other than the birds that flew by, they were the largest creature I had seen yet.
Maybe they hid from me, or other's like me if there were any. A morose thought that. Was it a god's mission to persecute squirrels? Was that how I ended up here, with no memory? I could almost imagine stalking through the trees, grinning as my prey came into sight. Only to have the tables turn, and to be struck down from behind by a coward's blow, two squirrels making sure I would never remember their lot again. I chuckled at the thought, warding off the Idea of the little creatures gaining the advantage over me. I certainly hope I wasn't to kill them, I rather enjoyed them on the whole.
Turning around I walked to the middle of the clearing. after two days, I was starting to feel restless. no matter how perfect this retreat was (other than the squirrels of course, who had become delighted in pelting me with various nuts and such. A rather clever idea on their part, probably as a result of all the persecution they had suffered at the hands of me and mine.) I had a place in the world. Like an itch between my shoulderblades, of which I have experienced exactly three, I was drawn to leave this place. Somewhere, a god was needed. But how to find them, these masses of mine? As I pondered this a thought struck me. Anything that I was to be the god of must be able to communicate with me. It was the simplest of answers. If I could communicate, I had found my people. I sensed this was not the whole answer, but it was enough for now.
Pacing back and forth I thought long and hard, and decided to see if I was the god of squirrels. maybe my lot in life was to lead squirrels in a war against other gods. Or then again maybe as a god I would be the lowest ranking of the squirrels, fit only to bring them food, and wipe their furry feet. The last one seemed much more likely due to their preference for causing me physical harm. But communication had to be the anwer, for as a god I seemed to be blessed with cognitive functions, a decent vocabulary, and selective memory loss as well.
As I reflected on what my social status was with these squirrel's, I spotted one of the particularly nasty brutes, a big black squirrel roughly half again the size of the nearest brother of his species, If any were to lead the great squirrelish nation it would be him. So summoning what confidence I had, I strode towards the squirrel. As I came nearer, he stood up on his hind legs and started chattering away. I stopped and listened but couldn't seem to understand what he was trying to communicate. I decided to try speaking back, and said "Greetings, ser squirrel, I apologize for not making your aquaintance earlier, or for failing to learn your name. I am but a humble god, with no idea where I am, and I wonder If I might pardon you for help?" or attempted to. it sounded like a dry rasp being ground over bonemeal, and crushed between boulders. It sounded as the mountaintop must have when it first ground off all those years ago.
"Hello!" I tried again, discovering my own voice at last. And was it beautiful. it put that babbling brook to shame, made the sunset pale, and even the trees seemed to die a little in the splendor of my voice. An urge soared through me.. A tickle at the back of my mind, a word called.. Singing. Ah singing, it sounded like a good idea, at least. I take in a deep breath, fill my lungs and just let the words roll right out of my mind, "..." My voice was deep, yet light, and unheard of on this lonely mountaintop. I sat there enamored by my own voice which seemed to be singing on it's own accord, and noted with wonder that It seemed as though by bringing my voice into the world, It made the sky dim, and the whole world turn a bit darker. Like the world died a bit from beauty. Odd concept, neh?
Hours later I finally stopped, and my voice seemed to still move through the trees shaking them in a ghostly dance. Weaving a haunting melody filled with sadness, and pain that only those who know themselves to be truly alone in the world can know. To my surprise the black squirrel had curled up next to me through the long hours I spent singing, and didn't stir now that I finished. his head snuggled against me, and to my wandering thoughts seemed to be attempting to comfort me. I had a startling idea that maybe even beings as small as this could be lonely and looking down at the small body as it curled next to me, I knew it to be true, probably the truest thing I had discovered so far. I also thought, maybe even hoped a little, that this little squirrel who henceforth shall be Brute, would never leave my side again. As I sat there thinking on these new ideas, The sky faded to that deepest of black's and the night passed in silent reverence until finally the pinks started appearing, breaking through the black and setting the world on fire. Thus having the noticeable effect of bringing me out of my reprieve.
As I strolled around the clearing on the third day, I thought more
on my failed communication with Brute. It seemed that I had managed to communicate with him on a more intimate level, and although I knew I would never be truly lonely with him around, I also knew this wasn't the communication that my heart cried out for. I wasn't made to be the god of squirrels. I pondered being the god of birds, but gave it up as ludicrous. I couldn't very well be the god who couldn't fly! I'd be the laughing stock of all birds everywhere! It was then that I decided that I had to leave this clearing, leave this mountain, leave this world if need be. I had no possessions, owning only the thoughts in my head. I could not, nor would I claim ownership over this immaculate creature which chose to join me on my journey, but in a way it seemed he claimed me and declared me his property. like he stood on my shoulder and roared "This is my god!" And although I couldn't be the Squirrelish god, I knew I could be the god of this one little squirrel.
Leaving these thoughts alone for now, I stood up and realized I didn't even know how I looked. considering this, I walked towards the brook, which was rather fast moving but was damned up at a bend by a fallen log. In that relatively clear pool I knelt down and had my first look at myself. long brown hairs covered my head and face, very straggly. I had deepset eyes, that shone sometimes silver sometimes a deep copper, all in intervals as I examined myself. Other than that, I was rather dirty and had a crooked nose and good teeth. A rather fine specimen of godhood if I do say so myself. Smiling, I stood and started my journey.
It's easy to get off a mountain I believe. You just have to jump. But as I thought about it, I assumed this wasn't quite the best way for me. I didn't know if falls were dangerous to gods, but until I knew more I decided not to risk it. looking around I decided to strike out to the left towards the sun, just past the middle of the sky. I started humming, and although it wasn't robust and full-bodied like yesterday's That same curious effect occured and the sky seemed to dim once more. setting a deliberate pace I reached the edge of the mountain rather sooner than I thought I would, and set about climbing over the edge.
It was a pretty easy climb as climbs go; this drawn from my wide experience of.. Oh no climbs. but what's a god to do? As I neared the halfway point of the mountain I saw the roiling clouds that covered the world, and made it such a beautiful place with the fires it painted across the sky. I wondered what was below it? Purgatory perhaps? if so I would take my chances. moving one foot at a time I started my descent again.