Love Among Dead Stars

[Dark Muse]

Love Among Dead Stars

I slip into you
falling
into the inky darkness
of your love.

Tentatively
feeling around each other
seeking for answers
among this graveyard of stars
where we find each other.

Lying all limbs
entangled
in figures of infinity
there is no beginning
there is no end.

A perpetual understanding
that our universe
is defined only by questions
so we can only accept
the offered embrace.

Comforted
by the knowledge
of each other
even if we stand
a million miles away.

Our souls touch
still
silently
without words
without need
only in a purity
of unity.

The oneness
we create
amid our confused
and clumsy efforts
to grasp at something
more.

Content
only to slide
into the reality
of you and
me.

[Bar22do]

I thought "The Space You Once Filled" was really inspired/ing, genuine and whole. I feel less your new poem. To me its expression is too obvious at times, toward the end a bit prosaic.
But I like the first stanza and the "graveyard of stars"; at the beginning of the next, I wonder if it not should be "tentatively"...
Thanks for sharing your search for union...

[blazeofglory]

Love Among Dead Stars

I slip into you
falling
into the inky darkness
of your love.

Tentively
feeling around each other
seeking for answers
among this graveyard of stars
where we find each other.

Lying all limbs
entangled
in figures of infinity
there is no beginning
there is no end.

A perpetual understanding
that our universe
is defined only by questions
so we can only accept
the offered embrace.

Comforted
by the knowledge
or each other
even if we stand
a million miles away.

Our souls touch
still
silently
without words
without need
only in a purity
of unity.

The oneness
we create
amid our confused
and clumsy efforts
to grasp at something
more.

Content
only to slide
into the reality
of you and
me.

Deep thought

[blank|verse]

I thought the first two stanzas were very strong and, considering what you've said recently about how you feel you write about women from a masculine perspective, it's interesting reading

I slip into you
falling
into the inky darkness
of your love.
which is very 'penetrative' and masculine, but still open to metaphorical interpretation.

Tentively
feeling around each other
seeking for answers
among this graveyard of stars
where we find each other.
This is very you. 'Graveyard of stars'. Wow. Some stars being, of course, already dead, it's just the light they emitted is still travelling across the universe to our eyes. And then there's the more human resonances of the word. It's quite Metaphysical as well, this linking of sex and death. (And yes, it is 'tentatively'.)

I think on the whole though, this is too long, and the poem starts getting woolly and loses its way. Any reference to 'the soul' in a poem automatically sends my poetry sensors flashing (and not for good reasons). Try and think about what you're expressing, and if some lines can't justify their inclusion in the poem, be hard and cut them out. Otherwise, the strength of the images you've created at the start of the poem become weakened and diluted.

[Dark Muse]

I thought "The Space You Once Filled" was really inspired/ing, genuine and whole. I feel less your new poem. To me its expression is too obvious at times, toward the end a bit prosaic.
But I like the first stanza and the "graveyard of stars"; at the beginning of the next, I wonder if it not should be "tentatively"...
Thanks for sharing your search for union...

That just goes to show you, I acutally feel more of a personal connection with this pome than with the last. This poem was in fact written from more of an emotional place. "The Space You Once Filled" was more of a preception of me trying to see through someone elses eyes.

[hack]

Our shared, universal, search for some primal truth that only finds faint resolution in embrace; this is beautifully expressed. Like Bar and Blnk, I loved "graveyard of stars". I might remove a word here or there (as is my wont when I savage anything I write), but I cannot find a verse or line that, by it's removal, would benefit the poem.

[Dark Muse]

Thank you!

[qimissung]

I would get rid of stanzas 4 and 5, and I would remove the lines after 'our souls touch' and attach that line to stanza 7. I think this would simply tighten up the work and make a good poem better. It's kind of hard to get rid of some of the beautiful words we write.

It's a very good poem, Dark Muse. I'm an amatuer and I work primarily on instinct; I just think that would make it stronger. I, too, love 'the graveyard of stars;' in this poem you have created a lovely, mystical wondering.

[JuniperWoolf]

Really? I loved stanza four, it's my favorite.

Stanza five line three: you mean "of" each other, right? If not, I think that "of" works better.

[Dark Muse]

Really? I loved stanza four, it's my favorite.

Stanza five line three: you mean "of" each other, right? If not, I think that "of" works better.

Thank you for catching that, yes, I did mean of

[MorpheusSandman]

EDIT: I realized I forgot to mention how much I really love this. I love the sensuousness, the romance, the connection with the universe through the unity of two individuals. I think it's just my mind goes into auto-analysis when I read sometimes I forget to feel first, think second.

Those first three stanzas are so strong but I think it tends to lose a sense of movement and progression from there. You seem to repeat quite a few themes and ideas. I think the penultimate stanza should come naturally after the 3rd. Really, the 4th and 5th stanzas feel like one or the other should close the piece since you take it from the intimacy of two people connecting, to the oneness they create, but then by talking about the universe you really zoom out from that perspective to something much larger. It's really better if you build towards this; start with two, then the two connecting, the two becoming one, that oneness connecting with something more universal, and then once you've established that universal you can close with stanza 4 or 5 (I prefer 4).

Let me try to rearrange and see what you think:

Tentatively
feeling around each other
I slip into you
falling
into the inky darkness

Lying all limbs
entangled
in figures of infinity
there is no beginning
there is no end.

The oneness
we create
amid our confused
and clumsy efforts
to grasp at something
more

seeking for answers
among this graveyard of stars
where we find each other.
Comforted
by the knowledge
of each other

Our souls touch
still
silently
without words
without need
only in a purity
of unity.

A perpetual understanding
that our universe
is defined only by questions
so we can only accept
the offered embrace.


I rushed it a bit, but I think it would be better if you rearranged it to have that kind of "two apart, two becoming one, two are one, one expands outwards into universe, end with commenting on that universe" it would create a really great flow.

[Dark Muse]

While I can understand where you are coming from in your thoughts about the progression between the more intimate connection of two people, vs the wider lens of the universe itself, using that 4th stanza on the end, for me personally feels odd and incomplete, and because of the structure of the stanzas, does not strike me as aesthetically appealing. And this poem is meant in part to be a poem about an intimate romantic love between two people, I think your rearrangement cuts some of that particularly meaning out of the poem and make it sound like a connection between humankind in general rather than a more personal specific intimacy.

[MorpheusSandman]

Then perhaps it might be better to cut the universal stuff out completely? That would focus all of the attention on the two individuals.

[Dark Muse]

I like the cosmic background of the poem, it speaks of a union which is boundless and lasting even beyond our mortal understanding. Yet at the same time the way in which it is worded it does say "our universe" so that dose not necessarily have to imply they actual universe at large. It could just as easily refer to the space which is shared exclusively between these two individuals.

[MorpheusSandman]

Fair enough. I guess this part:

A perpetual understanding
that our universe
is defined only by questions

Just kind of throws me off because the shift of focusing on the connection of two individuals to a universe being defined by questions is quite a swing.

[Dark Muse]

I do not know if this will help with further understanding of the poem, but the background behind this poem is viewing a relationship in which the individuals are set at a physical distance from each other, though their love still remains without fail, and they are connected by something greater than just the physical presence of each other, and they can connect to each other through the knowledge that they watch the same stars at night, and that their feelings do travel across the cosmic sphere, and well being kept at a distance from each other, with the constant bodily reassurance can produce questions and doubts within the mind at times.