Someday {Be hard on me, please}

[The Walker]

Hard and real critic is welcome. Really.
Tell me what you don't like or what you'd improve. This is what this place is for, right? or otherwise I'd just show this to my mom :D



Someday

By Erika Molina

Someday not too far away the look of my eyes when I see yours will disappear;
You’ll get plain as everybody else.
I won’t notice your body getting closer to mine,
Niether the sight of you face will light up mine.

Someday, not too far away, my hours won’t be spend thinking over all what you said,
But instead the time will help me forget so many days.
So those words and places won’t make me look away,
(As I try to hold on the pain).
Soon you won’t weight in my head.

Someday, hopefully soon, your name won’t make me hesitate,
And my subconscious will keep you away.
Memories will be memories and not present thoughts.
Days in which you’ll be not in my mind will come.

Someday my heart will understand,
And behind the door there will be no more pain .

[Nax]

I absolutely love it.

Dont change a thing. It may just be because I can super relate to it, but the way you articulate the thoughts and feelings are sensational. Believe it or not it kinda made me mist up even.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's definitely a heartfelt, poignant piece. Since I seem to be one of the few resident technical critics I'll offer you some notes on the form. Since you use the refrain "Someday..." it's probably better to give that it's own line. I would also also watch out for end-line repetitions and rhymes when you aren't using a constant meter such as "mine/mine" and "days/away". I also think the piece has some what I might term "fat words", or words that don't need to be there and just bloat the piece. One thing to constantly practice in poetry is SEX or Simplify & EXclude. Instead of: my hours won’t be spend thinking over all what you said, which reads too much like dry prose you might try "I won't spend my hours || To buy your words" - this way you transform time into a metaphor for currency, and words as something to be bought instead of just thought about. Equally, for a line like this: And my subconscious will keep you away. you might transform your subconscious into a rampart against the invading memory. Also, when you're using free verse and no constant meter or rhythm it helps to pay attention to line breaks; whether you stop a thought at the end of a line or use enjambment to run on into the next. Put words you want people to linger on at the end of a line or slice up a long thought so the end lines run into the next.

I think this should give you enough to chew on for now. One of the biggest obstacles for new poets is realizing how to make what they write poetic and not just prose that uses line breaks.

[Buh4Bee]

I find the language to be very clunky. It's amateur and needs serious editing.

The repetitive duel ending sounds unpleasant:

I won’t notice your body getting closer to mine,
Niether the sight of you face will light up mine.

You spend the entire poem speaking about your mind and then you end the poem about your heart, but you make no bridge between the two.

Someday my heart will understand,
And behind the door there will be no more pain .

The metaphor of "door" doesn't work well here. It's quite cliche.

Ok, so you said be hard, so that's what I did. Honestly, I thinks it's a good attempt at a first poem. I haven't read Morpheus because I usually can't understand him, but I know he's a good critic when I can understand him.

(neither is spelled wrong)

[MorpheusSandman]

I haven't read Morpheus because I usually can't understand him, but I know he's a good critic when I can understand him.:sick: :blush: I'm never sure about how much exposition to go into to explain certain terminology and whatnot. I guess I just take it for granted most already know these things. If they don't then Google is a quick fix. I hope my criticisms aren't that hard for everyone to understand...

[Virgil]

Is this a translation Walker? Or is Erika Molena you? If it a translation, I can understand some of the criticism. There are a whole bunch of cliches which may not be cliches in Spanish. As an original work, the criticisms are also valid. The problem is that it's all mostly abstract feeling, rather than something tangible and immediate.

[blazeofglory]

The language apart the piece is very moving. I like the poem for it speaks of the reality we live in the world. In fact all intense feelings fade or at least must fade away

[Bar22do]

I am not a specialist, Morpheus and others provided you with guidance. I myself can only add - learn to hear the rhythm within (walk on a beach and listen to the sea...) and keep writing. This one is a courageous exposure. Congratulations.

[qimissung]

What a beautiful way to talk about a lost love. I especially like the first line.

[JuniperWoolf]

Well, it does need a bit of editing. I’ll do so here, trying to keep your poem as similar to the original as possible. Your lines are too long, so lets make it a free-verse, shall we? Here we go:

Someday

Someday,
not too far away,
the look in my eyes when I see you will disappear.
You will be as plain as everyone else,
I won’t notice your propinquity,
and the sight of your face will fail to alight mine.

Someday,
not too far away,
I will not waste my hours reviewing our talk.
In time I will forget the days,
I won’t ache at wounded words,
and painful places will lose significance.

Someday,
not close enough,
your name won’t make me hesitate.
The walls of my subconscious will force you away,
you will be but a memory,
and I will finally be rid of you.

Someday,
the gates of my heart
will be closed to all this pain.

-Erika Molina

There, that's a bit better. The line breaks make it not so clunky, and the reference to walls in the second to last stanza leaves the "gate" metaphor open (a little spin on your door thing), but it's still about your mind throughout and your heart at the end. But hey, that could work eh? I guess the psychological notion of the subcoincious is what poets mean when they reference the heart, which after all is just a muscular organ and has nothing to do with emotion.

[The Walker]

Thank you all for the feedback! I really appreciate that you took the time to read it and comment.

So I learned that...
Short lines are better;
ending words should rhyme through the entire piece (wait! I knew that!),
New and creative metaphors are needed,
Simple and exclusion is good
and to keep writing from the heart.
Thanks!

Nax, Thanks for the comment

Morpheus, I appreciate your time. I don’t know too much of techniques (which seems to be obvious) so your help is really welcomed. Thanks for the SEX tip hehe.

Jersey, yes that was hard but I really appreciate it. I've learned through experience that hard critic is the most helpful you can have, it's hard to find people who are up to give it. Thanks! (And I think you were right :P)

Virgil, no this is not a translation; it is a crappy one hehe. Erika Molina is me btw

Bkazeofglory, Bar22do, Qimissung, thanks so much for your comments!!

Juniperwoolf, I LOVED how you re-wrote my poem; you showed me what everybody else was saying. Thanks for taking the time to do it. Appreciate it very much!

[skib]

I don't know how I missed this one Walker! I love it! I'm a little drunk at the moment, so I don't have any critique, but it speaks truth. Certainly a truth I can relate to. :wink5:

[The Walker]

hey skib! I'm glad you liked :)
are you still waiting for that day? :D
I'll wait the critic