Condemned

[Humble_Wolf]

Here we all hide
In the back of the room
We are all that is left
And we are few

It seems the time
Wore down our shoes
Oh what the hell
Are we gonna do?

He strolls slowly
In from the fire
That burns white hot
From the lies he tells

Slicks back his hair
And lights up a smile
Wearing his grin
Of wretched tales

It’s hard not to see
As he spreads his disease
It’s hard not see
When he shows his teeth

His mouth opens slowly
His words like an army
He’s breaking right through
Their lack of defense

He watches their eyes
And he waits for the moment
His timing is good
And the stage is set

We reset our composure
Dive deep into shadow
Where we all watched
This liar is, “Saved.”

The time is lost
And we’re on our own now
The road to hell
Has been paved

Of all the things
We could have done
The situation
Was a loaded gun

We stole from his fire
Turned it back on his house
We have taken him out
We’ve cornered the mouse

Well it’s over
We’ve shown our teeth
And it’s over
We’ve cured this disease
It’s over

[Katy North]

Here we all hide
In the back of the room cliche
We are all that is left
And we are few cliche

It seems the time
Wore down our shoes
Oh what the hell
Are we gonna do? cliche

He strolls slowly
In from the fire
That burns white hot cliche
From the lies he tells

Slicks back his hair cliche
And lights up a smile cliche
Wearing his grin
Of wretched tales

It’s hard not to see
As he spreads his disease cliche
It’s hard not see
When he shows his teeth

His mouth opens slowly
His words like an army good
He’s breaking right through
Their lack of defense

He watches their eyes
And he waits for the moment
His timing is good
And the stage is set cliche

We reset our composure
Dive deep into shadow cliche
Where we all watched
This liar is, “Saved.”

The time is lost cliche
And we’re on our own now
The road to hell
Has been paved cliche

Of all the things
We could have done
The situation
Was a loaded gun cliche

We stole from his fire
Turned it back on his house
We have taken him out
We’ve cornered the mouse

Well it’s over
We’ve shown our teeth cliche
And it’s over
We’ve cured this disease cliche
It’s over



Say the same thing without cliches, and it will be twice as good.

[MorpheusSandman]

I really love this piece. It has a paradoxical quality of being both very spare and simple yet sensuous and rich. I love how it tells a story from beginning to end without ever becoming prose-like. Excellent work.

@Katy North: There's nothing wrong with cliches if they serve a piece well and aren't presented pretentiously as if they were fresh. Have I read many of these lines elsewhere? Yes. But the way in which they combine in this context in this piece not only fits together well but makes them feel fresher in context. It can get quite tiring reading poets who try so hard and self-consciously not to be cliched.

[Katy North]

I could have said it better, yes. :blush:

I have an abrupt style of critiquing because I used to edit a literary mag in college. I shall try and be less abrupt.

There is nothing wrong with cliches when used in moderation. However, given the sparse style of the poem, I believe more original descriptions in certain places would help the poem greatly.

I know the poet has it in him or her because I did enjoy the "words like an army".

I also should say that the general flow and story of the poem was excellent.

[Humble_Wolf]

I really appreciate both of you commenting on this, this is actually a song. I am recording a album currently and I post lyrics here periodically for review and critique. If you want to hear the music (I haven't recorded vocals yet).

http://www.reverbnation.com/humblewolf