Comments please

[loobie lou]

to my loved one

i met you a while back in a place of work,
enjoyin the convos as the kitchen we lirk.

it took a long while to get to know you,
but look at us now, the things that we do.

the first time we walked along the seafront of your home,
i no longer sobbed an thought about bein alone.

you smile at me sweetly you hug me so tight,
i sit there an think that us is so right.

i may not seem like i love you as you,
but please look inside me and see that i do.

look into my eyes and see how i feel,
forget all the questions my eyes show its real.

i may not be seen as perfect and glam,
but you love me for me for the person i am.

my past was my past an did not feel good,
but i suppose life is just like an ever growing wood.

things of the past should not affect me now,
and i hope that someday you will show me how.

how i can just wash all my worries away,
with you by my side you'll be sure to say.

that i have to move on and leave it all behind,
just remember im fragile so you have to be kind.

i know you would tell me to stop being stupid if you could,
i know i am capable i know that i should.

the time i have with you when with me you are here,
when your away back home i just wish you were near.

i know i was quiet the day your were leaving,
but you must understand it's just my way of grieving.

the way i close up and sit there an not say a word,
it's to stop people moaning when my feelings were once heard.

the love in my heart is growing more and more,
so i apollagise now because my heart is so sore.

one day i hope that you will all understand,
i am just a human and want someone to hold my hand.

along the path of life we run into many things,
not everyone on earth is fit to live like kings.

[PrinceMyshkin]

to my loved one

i met you a while back in a place of work,
enjoyin the convos as the kitchen we lirk.

it took a long while to get to know you,
but look at us now, the things that we do.

the first time we walked along the seafront of your home,
i no longer sobbed an thought about bein alone.

you smile at me sweetly you hug me so tight,
i sit there an think that us is so right.

i may not seem like i love you as you,
but please look inside me and see that i do.

look into my eyes and see how i feel,
forget all the questions my eyes show its real.

i may not be seen as perfect and glam,
but you love me for me for the person i am.

my past was my past an did not feel good,
but i suppose life is just like an ever growing wood.

things of the past should not affect me now,
and i hope that someday you will show me how.

how i can just wash all my worries away,
with you by my side you'll be sure to say.

that i have to move on and leave it all behind,
just remember im fragile so you have to be kind.

i know you would tell me to stop being stupid if you could,
i know i am capable i know that i should.

the time i have with you when with me you are here,
when your away back home i just wish you were near.

i know i was quiet the day your were leaving,
but you must understand it's just my way of grieving.

the way i close up and sit there an not say a word,
it's to stop people moaning when my feelings were once heard.

the love in my heart is growing more and more,
so i apollagise now because my heart is so sore.

one day i hope that you will all understand,
i am just a human and want someone to hold my hand.

along the path of life we run into many things,
not everyone on earth is fit to live like kings.

It's a bit naive, a bit too explicit but there's no doubting the sincerity of it.
Where you constantly write "an" instead of and you create a bad impression.

[Dinkleberry2010]

I counted thirty-four grammatical errors in this thing that a person with a third-grade education should not make. You need to learn to write before you attempt to compose a poem.

[blank|verse]

Where you constantly write "an" instead of and you create a bad impression.

Shame on you Prince!


I counted thirty-four grammatical errors in this thing

Here we go, Loobie Lou - don't listen to them! I really liked it. Yes, it is a bit naive (I'll agree with you there, Prince) but I thought the diction and the spellings - many of which were clearly deliberate - lent the poem a spontaneity and honesty that really shines through.

What I like most is that I can hear your voice - this is clearly how you write and not anyone else, you're not trying to imitate anyone, which automatically means you've achieved something a lot of other people writing poetry will never do - you sound like yourself. Well done, keep writing!

[MorpheusSandman]

I don't think it's inappropriate to request someone master basic English before they start composing poems. That said, even great writers are prone to mistakes; that's one reason why they have editors! I can guarantee that if I didn't have Firefox's auto-spell check my posts would be much less coherent! I more or less agree with blnk vrz's statements.

[Dinkleberry2010]

This a sixth-grade level attempt at a poem. Learn how to write before you attempt to compose poetry.

[MorpheusSandman]

There's nothing wrong with any-grade attempts at poetry, ya know. But the worst thing a poet or critic could do would be to be so harsh on someone's first attempt as to turn them off from writing poetry (or anything else) forever. I don't know about anyone else but I bet if I looked back on the things I wrote when I was in gradeschool, Jr. High, High School, etc. I'd probably cringe myself.

[Bar22do]

I have not much time to count your mistakes, but as I went through your poem I too could hear your voice, and this is what counts. Definitely - keep writing (with some auto-spell device!)!

[Dinkleberry2010]

I repeat and I'm going to keep repeating this: learn how to write before you attempt to compose a poem. In case you didn't know, i is capitalized. There were thirty-four grammatical errors that I counted in the thing that you wrote. You need to learn basic grammar first, then you can attempt to write. You have got to learn how to write first, then you can attempt poetry. And all these praises about how "oh, it's a poem--grammar doesn't matter", "he's just trying to express himself--there's nothing wrong with that," is crap. Learn the basics of grammar first.

[tailor STATELY]

What better way to say 'I love you' but in the form of a poem. The loss, the separation, the loneliness; the sentiment: Без твоей любви мне счастья нет - there's no happiness without your love. Beautiful/tragic.

[Alexander III]

Yes there were grammar mistakes but they didn't bother me as I focused on the content of the poem. I do not enjoy to argue but Jermac, yes there are mistakes( most deliberate). However you are entitled to your opinion on the poem. If your force your opinion as an objective statement, you are the one who needs to re-pass his education. The simple fact that you did not enjoy the poem does not mean that the poem was bad. I honestly do not enjoy most of your poems Jermac, does that mean they are drivel and schoolboy attempts at poetry ? No it does not, and neither should they in any case, especially on a forum dedicated to new writers with very little experience.

Now as for the poem its self, in my opinion its style would suite it's self better as lyrics for a song. As the colloquial style lends its self more to lyrics for a song. In fact I believe that if accompanied with music the piece would be even more lovely.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Yes there were grammar mistakes but they didn't bother me as I focused on the content of the poem. I do not enjoy to argue but Jermac, yes there are mistakes( most deliberate). However you are entitled to your opinion on the poem. If your force your opinion as an objective statement, you are the one who needs to re-pass his education. The simple fact that you did not enjoy the poem does not mean that the poem was bad. I honestly do not enjoy most of your poems Jermac, does that mean they are drivel and schoolboy attempts at poetry ? No it does not, and neither should they in any case, especially on a forum dedicated to new writers with very little experience.

Now as for the poem its self, in my opinion its style would suite it's self better as lyrics for a song. As the colloquial style lends its self more to lyrics for a song. In fact I believe that if accompanied with music the piece would be even more lovely.

I want to commend you for standing up for yourself so vigorously (except for the swipe at Jermac's poems, which takes away a little from your otherwise strong, wise statements). Better to be passionate about what one writes in spite of what others (including myself in this case) thought were grammatical or stylistic errors, than to write lukewarmly but with meticulous adherence to all the rules.

[Babyguile]

I want to commend you for standing up for yourself so vigorously (except for the swipe at Jermac's poems, which takes away a little from your otherwise strong, wise statements). Better to be passionate about what one writes in spite of what others (including myself in this case) thought were grammatical or stylistic errors, than to write lukewarmly but with meticulous adherence to all the rules.

Are you getting Alexander confused with loubbielou because lou was the only one that needed to 'defend' themself in this thread. Also Alexander can say what they like about Germacs poetry, how does that make him less wise?

Also, Germac, you're wrong. Now hush up and read some Duffy like a good boy. You'll be all the better for it.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Are you getting Alexander confused with loubbielou because lou was the only one that needed to 'defend' themself in this thread. Also Alexander can say what they like about Germacs poetry, how does that make him less wise?

Yes, I was indeed confusing the two because I responded to Alexander's sterling defense of Loubbielou. Mistaking the latter for the former, I thought it was beneath him to retort by criticizing Jermac. That Alexander is the one who did it is different, of course, though it might provoke Jermac to retort in his own defense which would further distract from a discussion of Loobbielou's poem. Sorry.

[hack]

ritin' aint spellin'

[firefangled]

ritin' aint spellin'

Nicely put.

[Dinkleberry2010]

The grammatical mistakes made in the thing (I will not even lable it as a poem, because it doesn't deserve that title) were not deliberate; they were made in ignorance of basic grammar. It's not a matter of my opinion. The "thing" is bad. Any way you look at it, it is bad. So, to quote Bob Dylan, "Let us stop talking falsely now." The subject is ignorance of basic grammar.

As far as you not enjoying some of my poems, what the hades has that got to do with anything? Nothing!

One must learn basic grammar before one can write. If you don't believe that, then I feel sorry for you.

[MorpheusSandman]

If you don't believe that, than I feel sorry for you.Irony alert!

One reason I refuse to harp on spelling and grammar (pointing it out is fine; making a big deal of it isn't) is precisely because of this; as soon as you do you're going to have everyone targeting your own posts for every small mistake in spelling and grammar and, I don't know about everyone else, but I definitely DO NOT want that. If you're going to harp on a point so self-righteously you have to pretty much be perfect.

[paperleaves]

haha, hack, that is the best comment evar.
Although I would like to add, dear loobie, a few lines that I think could be left out to trim up the poem:
"my past was my past an did not feel good/
but i suppose life is just like an ever growing wood."
and
"i know you would tell me to stop being stupid if you could,
i know i am capable i know that i should."

My advice to you is: (since I'm the master of this concept) don't try to rhyme words--if it takes you too long, leave it! It will sound more natural and less forced than if you spent hours trying to focus on the way this poem rhymes. I wish the best of luck to you, I hope you post more on the boards and take all of these criticisms with a grain of salt. The only person that can appreciate your poetry for what you intend it to be is you and we are only vessels that can try and interpret what you are trying to say. We are only here to read and enjoy and sometimes provide constructive criticism. Keep on writing!


love
paper


p.s. loobie, as you can see from Morpheus' post above mine, the irony in the argument that was discussed previously--with practice, the spelling and grammar will come, but we all make slip ups (hell, I probably made a few in this post) --but heart is what really makes poetry come alive.

[~Sophia~]

One must learn basic grammar before one can write. If you don't believe that, than I feel sorry for you.

"Than" is grammatically incorrect. It should read "then I feel sorry for you".

_____________________________

Nice effort loobie. We all start somewhere. Paper has given you a few good suggestions for editing which I agree would strengthen your poem. Welcome to Litnet! It isn't always such a harsh place.

[Alexander III]

Sorry to detract from the discussion of the poem again, but I do wish to apologize for personally attacking Jermac's poetry, It was out of place.

An yes I believe Hack put it perfectly.

[firefangled]

The grammatical mistakes made in the thing (I will not even lable it as a poem, because it doesn't deserve that title) were not deliberate; they were made in ignorance of basic grammar. It's not a matter of my opinion. The "thing" is bad. Any way you look at it, it is bad. So, to quote Bob Dylan, "Let us stop talking falsely now." The subject is ignorance of basic grammar.

As far as you not enjoying some of my poems, what the hades has that got to do with anything? Nothing!

One must learn basic grammar before one can write. If you don't believe that, than I feel sorry for you.

I would be curious to hear your views on e.e. cummings. Then I would be curious to know how you are so sure loobie lou is not experimenting to whatever extent.

[Dinkleberry2010]

cummings was a great poet who knew the rules, and then broke them--and he was consistent about it. Are you actually comparing the "thing" entitled Comments Please to cummings? Are you serious?

I know he's not experimenting, and so does everyone else.

[~Sophia~]

Good God Jermac... who pissed in your cornflakes? I'm not sure why you have a need to be so combative and offensive but, you aren't perfect either. I found a grammatical error in your "critique" so ... ease up!

[Dinkleberry2010]

no, sophia, I will not ease up

[~Sophia~]

Then go critique (shred) my last poem. This person has had enough and, I've faced tougher critics than you.

[Dinkleberry2010]

I have no interest in your poems, so why should I take the time to give you a critique

[~Sophia~]

I'm guessing, no one will have much interest in your poems any more either. By the way, your last two comments were missing a capital and punctuation. It's hard to live up to perfection but, at least live up to the standards you set for everyone else.

[Babyguile]

I interpret what Jermac is doing as breaking unashamedly through all the nicey nicey culture on these forums where poeple don't truly say what they mean and avoid at all costs offending anyone over fear of the banhammer.

Amirite? Innit?

[MorpheusSandman]

"Nicey nicey culture" is just a basic understanding and cultural agreement that The Golden Rule is, indeed, golden and should be followed. If you don't want someone to mercilessly point out your flaws, don't do that with others. If you want someone to point out your strengths while offering constructive criticism as to those elements you need to improve on, then do so for others. I almost always say what I mean on here because with almost any poem there are aspects that are good and bad; I almost always try to point out both. "This is what I like, this is what I don't like, this is why I think what I like works, this is why I think what I don't like doesn't work." It doesn't require any critical effort to point out spelling and grammar mistakes. This is something that can be easily fixed with a spell-checker, just like poetry's formal elements can be easily taught, learned, and understood (that's why that's an aspect I often offer criticism on); but what can't be taught or learned is the inspiration, sincerity, and imagination it takes to create great poetry. The poster of this poem seems like a poster who very much has that, and to lambaste them because they lack the technical aspects is pointless. You don't refine a diamond in the rough by smashing it with a jackhammer.

[Dinkleberry2010]

Morpheus--go back to sleep

[Scheherazade]

This thread will now be closed as it has gone off topic long enough.

I am disappointed at the immature and selfish attitude displayed by so many Forum members, who consider themselves poets, writers and critics

and would like to apologise from Loobie Lou, who joined the Forum only short while ago, on everyone's behalf.

Loobie Lou> Please feel free to post your poem again; I am sure there will be many other members on our Forum who are capable of offering constructive criticism.