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Alexander III
02-02-2010, 02:19 PM
Vibrant hues spill their bright delight
PrinceMyshkin
02-02-2010, 04:27 PM
Apart from the rhyme of "aimlessness" & "nothingness," and "Apollo’s angles," which is surely meant to be "Apollo's angels" and a missing comma after "weep," without which what follows reads like a sentence fragment, apart from that I very much enjoyed the seeming effortlessness of your end-rhymes and the emotional content of your poem. Thanks.
Delta40
02-02-2010, 05:43 PM
I felt the coffin being gently lowered with each line I read
Bar22do
02-02-2010, 06:21 PM
How sad and poignant, Athree, strangely "loosened" (but with artistry great!) as compared to your other poems... as if (but I hope it is not all of you!) much more yourself, more intimate, and speaking straight from the bareness of your desillusionment... I myself was lowered to the bottom of the sea with each wave of your poem...
MorpheusSandman
02-02-2010, 07:49 PM
Your poems seem to bleed a kind of rich romanticism Alex. The ravishing use of language and the beautiful melancholy of what that language is saying really makes this a pleasure to read even while it's emotionally powerful. You occasionally need to work on the meter and rhythm, but for some reason even when it's off I rarely found it too disruptive. Also "it's final years" should be "its".
Buh4Bee
02-03-2010, 02:20 AM
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Buh4Bee
02-03-2010, 05:14 PM
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Alexander III
02-03-2010, 05:35 PM
Thank you all for the constructive critisims and opinions :)
Buh4Bee
02-04-2010, 05:18 PM
Here's a rhyming poem found from sometime past:

Can't you see
My reaction to thee

I have ripped down my walls
And flung things into the halls

Don't declare words so vile
I'll only give you a twisted smile

The dread of loneliness doesn't scare me
I am forever in this state free

Do what you must
For I can only trust.
Alexander III
02-04-2010, 05:33 PM
It appears simple yet in it's simpleness it does an astounding job on conveying your meaning. You complain about being unable to rhyme but the rhyme in there appears unforced and unnatural, so in that regard it's a success. However if I may, the final line just doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem.
Buh4Bee
02-04-2010, 08:48 PM
If you read it again, it does make sense.

The dread of loneliness doesn't scare me
I am forever in this state free

These lines need to be fixed, but it was one of those spontaneous things that comes to you while lying in bed thinking of stuff.

Ok, maybe that poem that I ripped up, I'll tape back together. I'm a little calmer now. Writing can get me really worked up.