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Leera
02-01-2010, 01:24 PM
Darkness crept quickly, yet quietly over the silent town, covering the condensed air with blackness.
Door closed and lights were put out as the final shadows layered the ground, positioning itself perfectly, preventing any specks of light to protrude the black night. Fires were doused, and curtains were drawn to cover the windows. Wooden houses were all that occupied the shadows land. They were few, and close to each other, making the village small and secluded. Forest surrounded the village on each side, cutting the small town off from the rest of the world. Better this way. Or so they had always said. The Outside would not understand. Those were the words the Elders had preached, day by day, until there was no room in the young minds to resist. Stay inside at night. Never let darkness linger on you. What was it all supposed to mean? “Better you do not know” they would say then.


Curiosity sparked in her body, exhilaration growing inside, the need to know, to understand. Nineteen years had passed since she was born in this town, and not once had she been allowed to cross into the forest, not once to go outside when darkness was visible. Trapped in this small, secluded village, never to see, nor learn the secrets which the Elders kept so tightly. Never to be free.
Soundlessly she pulled on her black boots which were a perfect match to her black leather outfit. She would not be visible this way. If the Elders or even her parents learned of what she was about to do… She shook the thought of; she didn’t even want to think about that, to consider that opportunity.

Silently she opened her room, and as she snuck past her little brothers room, she could her hear mothers voice. Telling stories. Nightmares. She shook her head in dismay. She had believed those stories once. No more. She would be a slave to fairy tales no more, a subject to brainwashing no longer. She was free. Old enough to decide what was best for her own good. She strapped the backpack across her back, containing food, first aid kit and other things she supposed would be necessary. She did not know how large the forest was, or how long it would take to get to the closest village. She froze desperately as a plank creaked under her feet. Standing still, she sharpened her ears, listening intently.
When she was confident no one had heard, she continued.

Darkness crept over her as she entered the door, and a tingling feeling ran up her body, giving her goose bumps. Just the stories giving me the creeps. Not real. Not real. Her vision narrowed as she left the last specks of light that shone from the open door. Silently, she proceeded into the blackness. Her eyes jumped to either side, as if expecting someone to jump out from a corner, demanding that she went back inside. No one came. None ever went outside when it was dark. Ever.

Had she not had an unquenchable desire to find out, she would have stayed in too. But she couldn’t. She had to find out what had the others so scared. The Elders. Her parents. None of the younger though. It was as if her generation knew nothing. As if her parents and the others would keep the truth from them. Why? What had them so scared they did not even dare to go outside in the night? That was the questions she had asked herself since she was old enough to understand that something was not right. It was if the shadows were alive, watching their every move, waiting, always waiting for an opening to strike. “Don’t be childish, Nicki” She whispered to herself. “There is nothing out there.”

As she stood in the outskirts of her village, farther away than she had ever been before, even though the houses were still visible, she watched the dark forest. So black, that even the closest trees were hardly visible. What way would she go? She hadn’t thought of that. Silly. She always forgot something. As she stood, watching the terrifying forest towering above her, trying to decide what direction to take, a tingling sensation rose up her spine, so cold she thought she would freeze to death, yet so warm surely she would burn to cinder. It terrified her. Yet it calmed her, calmed her more than anything ever had before. There is nothing out there. No danger. The Elders are paranoid. Yes. That’s it. Nothing to worry about. As if compelled, she took a left turn, meeting the forest were the trees were thickest and the shadows strongest. Yes. That way.
With a calming sensation pulsing through her body, vibrating through every fiber of her being, she proceeded fearlessly. Stepping into the dark forest where none had been before. As far as she knew. At least not for quite a while. The ground felt soft beneath her feet. Not like the stupid bricks they had layered their village with. This was better. Yes, far more comfortable. Darkness bathed her face, and moonlight shone down upon her, lighting the path in front of her with a dim light.

Trees towered over her, shadows crept in on her, surrounding her, whispering to her. The wind blew furiously, pounding her face with a cold touch. She didn’t care. She could hardly feel it. She felt free, now. Like she never had before. Like she belonged here. “Maybe you do. Maybe you always have.” A voice said within her head. She stopped in her tracks, slightly unsettled. The voice didn’t sound like her… yet, it was more herself than she ever had been. It knew. It knew what was best for her. Yes. I do belong here. She continued, shaking the creepy feeling off. Creepy? Why would she think that? She was safe now. More safe and more home than she ever had been before. Why would she feel unsettled? She couldn’t understand.

Now that she thought about it, she couldn’t even recall feeling unsettled. A branch snapped, and she instantly spun around, facing a silhouette. His face and body was cloaked in a cloak, the darkness enhancing the blackness of his clothes, making it impossible to see his face. She could hear his breathing, soft and even. She was sure it was a man, thought she did not know why. A dagger glinted at his waist, reflecting the light of the moon. As she looked upon this strange man, a feeling deep inside her told her she should be terrified. That this man wished her harm. But she felt no fear, nor danger. Only calm. Deep, impenetrable calm. Peace. His silver eyes settled on her, and she knew she never wanted him to look away. An owl hooted faintly in the background, and for a slight moment, the man looked away, relieving her from his silver gaze. And at that exact moment, a voice screamed in her head; “Run”
But before her body could act, his silver gaze settled on her again, and she felt peace again. Run? Why would she want to do that?

Leera
02-01-2010, 02:27 PM
Bump :) Feedback appreciated

Leera
02-02-2010, 07:35 AM
Bump:) Critisism wanted

Leera
02-05-2010, 08:53 PM
Anyone?:(

loki456
02-06-2010, 02:25 AM
Hi,
to be honest, it feels like you just rented M.Night.Shayamalan's 'the village' and retold it a little less eerily.
but apart from that, i think the use of description is great. I love loads of description, other litnetters are divided, but that's ok, it's your story. a couple of things though:

a)'Darkness crept quickly, yet quietly over the silent town, covering the condensed air with blackness.' you don't cover air, remember it has to make sense and the term 'blackness' is not very..hmm... good.
b) 'preventing any specks of light to protrude the black night' - specks of light is not a good description, seems a little childish, also night is inherently black, you don't need to say that. if the night you speak of has other undertones - like greyish features or what not then you provide that description.
c) 'Curiosity sparked in her body' - curiosity isn't sparked in your body, its originated in the mind and then manifested in the body. having the reader, make the connection between her being curious and showing it in her actions would make this sentence far better.

there are other things throughout the story like this. providing description isn't about making it incomprehensible but more believable. I find similies quite effective in providing description. But being a horror/thriller fan, I always say that this genre is about mood, providing the reader with a sense of actually being there, which you did to a certain level, but like i said, i'm not sure if that was you or M. Night. Shayamalan as while i was reading your work i kept thinking of scenes from that movie.

the thing is you definitely aimed to provide an emotive piece and even though it wasn't great you put the effort in into describing things effectively. trust me, i've written a few things and i still find it hard to portray a scene with lots of description and still make it logical. the reason is you don't want to inundate the reader with so much fluff that you don't add words that join the description to the subject, which can sometimes make the sentece overall illogical.

Keep at it, and you'll definitely get there. Don't be dis-heartened at my comments, take them onboard use the one's you think are valid and make it better next time.
hope i've helped.

Lok's

Leera
02-06-2010, 04:45 PM
Thanks for the feedback :)
I must say however, that I'm completely unaware of the movie you compared my story to, though.