One Rose Of Black

[Revolte]

“ One Rose Of Black “

Within a field of roses, grows one of pitch black
Its thorns are razor blade sharp and ache for attack
Its petals so dark, so empty, so in dread
That its very stem grows hate filled, angry, and dead

The roses around propose it comfort and joy
But the rose of black laughs, his soul dulled and void
While the red roses sit back, to sing of love soon to come
The rose of black pulls away, biting its bitter blind tongue

A special red rose comes to sit with the black
To speak of finer days, of love kept intact
The black rose cant stand it, these stories of glee
It curses the red, so hopeful, so free

The red roses lose hope, no hope for this rose
It senses no grief, no compassion, no soul
Its hallow inside, but why must this stay?
It helps not to just love it, its not love all the same

The red roses grew old, lived happy and true
While the rose of black just dies, so alone, so blue
One rose of black, is just one in a sea
An ocean of roses, red, loving, and free

[Nax]

Just a brief comment.

Liked the poem, but the rhyme scheme felt forced. Its very important (in my oppinion) that if you choose to write a poem with any particular pattern and rhyme, that you find lines that fit the tempo and have close sylabic sums as the other lines, which will give you a more fluid read....unless of course you dont purposefully want that.

Other then that, I liked the poem, the image of one angry bitter rose in a field of red is splendid.

[Revolte]

Just a brief comment.

Liked the poem, but the rhyme scheme felt forced. Its very important (in my oppinion) that if you choose to write a poem with any particular pattern and rhyme, that you find lines that fit the tempo and have close sylabic sums as the other lines, which will give you a more fluid read....unless of course you dont purposefully want that.

Other then that, I liked the poem, the image of one angry bitter rose in a field of red is splendid.

yeah I had a real hard time with the pattern on this one, I had it a certain way in my head but when I read it over I didnt like it so I changed some things around and at the end of the day I just said screw it.

[MorpheusSandman]

I very much agree with Nax. It's an effective metaphor that's really hurt by the uneven meter which can't help but make the reader stumble over it. One trick is to learn scansion which will inform you of stray/extra beats that don't belong and learning to be flexible when it comes to synonyms and syntax so you can shape a line around the meter.

[Nax]

Well said Morpheus, I was trying to remember the name for scansion before, it helps me drastically when I'm writing poetry.

Once you have that sussed out Revolte, basically if you have a line that is too long/too many beats you can just look for words that are accessive, and remove them. If there are not enough beats, you can have the rare pleasure of ADDING words to your poem to make the beats the same. In this way its alot easier to write for me, because I can blast out the creative juice onto the page while the inspiration is there, then use that skeleton and go back and tidy it up into an actual work of poetry.

I cant remember the exact quote, but it is said that poetry is the art of saying as much as possible, using as few words as possible. I tend to try to do that in all my poetry.

[blazeofglory]

This poem is really interesting save forced rhyming

[Bar22do]

I found your metaphor original, Revolt, and the flow of your poem dynamic. I too suffered a bit from your rhyming, but maybe you need rhymes' cage first to then rebel and force your way through to more freedom...?