I_miss_you
01-31-2010, 06:51 PM
“on a scale from one to ten how happy are you” this was a regular doctors appointment with my syke doctor “well I would say about a one” he wrote something down on his pad of paper “you know this can be very common in teenage girls your age so what’s going on” I was upset but why would I tell him I mean I have only been seeing him for two weeks now “okay tell me that this is normal for a fifteen year old girl to feel this way that she just lost her best friend and you want to tell me its going to be okay no I don’t he moved a little in hi seat “ I can see you don’t want to be here but talking about it can help I promise it will” okay that’s not true “no see I’m here so you can get paid do I really think you want to help me no I think you want to make money” I know I was being rude but I just lost my best friend two week’s ago she killed herself because her boyfriend broke up with her I blame him this has been tough for me to sit here and talk about her it makes me more upset and people say it’s all going to be okay “Alex I know how you feel your upset and you feel like no one will help you” I looked at him hard “you be in my shoes one day and tell someone you just met two weeks ago about your best friend dying tell them everything that has ever made you sad and you think that will help no. since I have been here I have been more upset than when she died you tell me what’s going on inside my head see because I don’t know and you seem to know” there was a long pause and he seemed like he did not know the answer I know he did not because he knows I’m right. I cant even think when I’m in here. “okay you know what Alex I think you need to come with us in the hospital for a few weeks nothing long but maybe a group session will help you” this is what made me go off. “I’m sorry but I’m not going in a place for crazy people I cant take this crap anymore you people think you know how to help me but you don’t you don’t know what it’s like to lose the only friend you have and your mom and dad are never around to see that your hurt” I was crying hard I knew that this would come but the truth is I did not want to go while my mom and dad where here they see this as me being weak they think they understand but I’m really upset and hurt. “I just want to go home and sleep” I was not looking at him I had no desire too look at him “I’m sorry Alex but you have to go I have already talked to your parents and they think it’s best for you” now they want to come in and say that they care. “huh you talked to my parents about it what why I wanted to talk to them on my own oh my god wow” this is the first time I have cried since this whole thing has happened and I knew that this was not going to help. It seemed like every thing I was doing to try to stay calm was slipping away. That night I got ready and packed for the time I was going to be there. I walked out to try to talk to them. ”mom please don’t make me go I don’t want to I don’t need to please” she looked at me and she had sadness in her eyes I was hurting her and I did not realize until now that I was “oh mom I’m so sorry” I hugged her “honey it’s okay I think it would be best if you went just go and we’ll come see you everyday I promise we will” I went back in my room and finished packing I had a very bad head ache so I went into the bathroom and got out some Tylenol pm’s it was already ten so I took some. I layed on my bed for what seemed like forever and I looked at my clock and it was ten thirty they should have kicked in by now so I went back and took three this time I took a drink of water and I was reading the back and I got a little woozy it said that your only supposed to take two every twenty four hours I sat down on the floor and laid there when I woke up I woke up to the pain of a needle in my arm “Alex can you hear me” I have never seen this man before then it hit me I was in an ambulance I got up and tried to rip the needle out of my arm when I got thrown back on the bed “no you cant do that” I looked up and cried they told me everything was going to be okay. I was taken into the hospital and my mom and dad were already there in my room “Alex why would you do this we were trying to help you” they had it all wrong that’s not what I was trying to do. ”mom I swear that’s not what I was trying to do it’s not mom” but she was crying and my dad was upset “Alex please your going tomorrow if it’s okay for you to leave your going” my dad had it all wrong they think I was trying to kill myself that’s not what I was trying to do I was trying to get some sleep I needed to get some sleep. “guy’s you have it all wrong that’s not what I was trying to do_____” my dad gave me a hard look. ”dad” he walked out of the room I guess he did not want to see me if he only knew I tried to tell him but he wont listen to me they never do. So I was okay to go home or at least back to the hospital. I got back home and got my stuff and a shower. “dad can I talk to you please” I was hoping he would talk to me “what do you need” I looked at him I think he knew what was coming. “dad I really did not try to do that why would I when I was going to get help dad you have to believe me” he looked at me for a minute “I talked to the doctor they are going to make you stay longer” I got so mad “dad why” I was shouting and he walked out of the room they think I would try something I would never try to do that ever he had to think that I would never do that I mean my friend just did that and I see the pain it put people in when she did. I did not want to put my family in that situation. I got to the hospital and the nurse showed me to my room I did not have a roommate yet the nurse said that she will be here tomorrow I told her that I did not want to be here. The next day my roommate got here and she was very shy we talked for a little bit but I went out to where the phones were and called my parents I did not want to be here. I talked to my mom for an hour and I told her I was better and I would not try anything. She said she would have to see herself so she came to the hospital I acted like I was happy so I could go home with my family. “I would rather be there then in this hospital the doctors here are crazy the should be the ones in here not me I did nothing wrong” the doctor looked at me “I just don’t think your ready to go home yet” I was so mad they said about one more week and I could go home but that was a lie I know they did not mean it. So here I am waiting for the week to go by I’m counting the snow flakes that hit the ground but it’s not really clear with the bars on the windows why couldn’t I help my best friend I could have been there for her but I was somewhere else I could tell her it was all going to be okay I could have helped her she could still be alive. “NO” I yelled so loud the nurse came to see if I was okay she tried to grab my arm but I pulled away I told her to let me go and to get away I would be okay if she would just leave me alone. “god just go away I don’t need you here I don’t need anyone” she let go but called for two very big guys and they picked me up and put me in a room by myself it was padded so much for going home in a week I knew it was not going to happen. I was so upset with myself for letting it get this bad why did I even leave her alone that night I never should have gone anywhere I could have talked to her I could have run away with her. So weeks passed and I got out and went to her grave and sat there and cried because I missed her. she was gone. “I miss you“.