a million tiny wings

[Bar22do]

A beat of wings at the windows
Raspy breath caught in a nearby shrub
Decaying newspaper fluttering in the wind

She only heard death when he uttered
“Check that nothing is broken” And he fell
At the atria of his heart
a million tiny wings scattered

for Roy, now hopefully free and in a realm of quintessence...

[PrinceMyshkin]

A beat of wings at the windows
Raspy breath caught in a nearby shrub
Decaying newspaper fluttering in the wind

She only heard death when he uttered
“Check that nothing is broken” And he fell
At the atria of his heart
a million tiny wings scattered

for Roy, now hopefully free and in a realm of quintessence...



This is like a brilliant film noir in just 7 lines. And one could speculate a long time as to what were those "million tiny wings" - the atoms or particles that go to make up the complex whole of a man?

[MorpheusSandman]

Very, very enigmatic and provocative. I could imagine it being the final abstract images of a dying man.

@Prince: What do you mean by "film noir"?

[cogs]

the death metaphor was subtle and rightly so. the wings seem a departure, dramatic and vertical.

[~Sophia~]

Perhaps he was reading over your shoulder when you wrote this caring and beautiful tribute!

[blank|verse]

That's very nicely achieved and a worthy elegy.

I particularly liked the opening section, introducing the sense of something being not quite right, but without you disclosing too much. I liked the imagery throughout the poem, especially the metaphor about the breath being 'caught in a shrub'. You also subtly introduce the 'wings' image here.

I think your writing is strong enough to avoid including the word 'death' and (replaced with a suitable word) the poem would still work very well. Maybe that's something to think about in future, because I think you can evoke the right feelings in the reader and the sense of what is happening without being too direct. Sometimes this takes a bit of confidence in your own writing, but I think you should have this.

Just a few suggestions - a full stop after 'fell' (line 5) would help because otherwise the sense runs on to the next line. I can't decide if 'atria' is a bit too clinical; and there's something slightly too workman-like in the 'check that nothing is broken'.

But those are minor issues in what is overall a very poignant little vignette of a poem.

[Bar22do]

Thank you so much Prince, Morpheus, cogs, Sophia and blnk for your comments and encouraging appreciation.

Morpheus: to answer for Prince who apparently didn't read your question, film noir is a vague term in cinematography, mostly black and white crime drama films, which my poem obviously is not, but Prince might have had in mind the dark atmosphere characteristic of such movies...

blnk: You "caught" me at my uncertainty, for I added "death" only when posting my poem... it was not in its former version. A good lesson for me.
I avoided any punctuation here, as I felt this was providing an increased sense of "exposure", vulnerability, as it were, and after "And he fell" I trusted that the reader would understand where to stop (as you did yourself).
Atrium is an architectural term as well, designating an open space in a building; it was a hint at the verticality of the departure...
The man last words were meant to be ordinary, as death may take one "un-notified" in the middle of a banal circumstance...
But for sure I will give another thought to the whole, and am very grateful for your generous remarks.

[cogs]

bar (is it bardo or something else?), i was thinking that a change in whatever he says might support the other verses, especially the wings? we pay close attention to the meaning behind dying words.

[Bar22do]

bar (is it bardo or something else?), i was thinking that a change in whatever he says might support the other verses, especially the wings? we pay close attention to the meaning behind dying words.

It is simply Bar (and Do is the name of my cat)...

Thanks, cogs, you are right, I will definitely think of how to improve it. I value your support very much.

[MorpheusSandman]

to answer for Prince who apparently didn't read your question, film noir is a vague term in cinematography, mostly black and white crime drama films, which my poem obviously is not, but Prince might have had in mind the dark atmosphere characteristic of such movies...Being a cinephile who particularly loves noirs (from their inception in the 40s, to the great late 50s hard boiled entries, to the more modern Sci-fi and neo-noir films like Dark City and LA Confidential) I'm well aware of what they are; I was merely wondering what Prince meant with regard to this piece being a film noir.

[Bar22do]

Being a cinephile who particularly loves noirs (from their inception in the 40s, to the great late 50s hard boiled entries, to the more modern Sci-fi and neo-noir films like Dark City and LA Confidential) I'm well aware of what they are; I was merely wondering what Prince meant with regard to this piece being a film noir.

.... and, on the top of the list, even though it is not precisely a film noir (but certainly one that had inspired and influenced the genre) Orson Welse's Citizen Kane...

Anyway, now, we are both wondering!

[MorpheusSandman]

Oh yes, the great Kane; definitely one of the precursors to noir, especially stylistically. Though Welles took much of his visual inspiration from German Expressionism, directors like Murnau and Lang and films like Sunrise, Metropolis, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, etc. Welles actually directed several good noirs including The Stranger and The Lady from Shanghai and we shouldn't forget perhaps the best noir ever made in Touch of Evil! Though I have a hard time choosing between Touch of Evil and The Third Man.

[Bar22do]

Oh yes, the great Kane; definitely one of the precursors to noir, especially stylistically. Though Welles took much of his visual inspiration from German Expressionism, directors like Murnau and Lang and films like Sunrise, Metropolis, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, etc. Welles actually directed several good noirs including The Stranger and The Lady from Shanghai and we shouldn't forget perhaps the best noir ever made in Touch of Evil! Though I have a hard time choosing between Touch of Evil and The Third Man.

ah, I was going to say: The Third Man, for me the ultimate movie ever made, unsurpassable... but then there was Chimes at Midnight (with Jeanne Moreau!)... in short, Welles is in heaven with the best.

[Delta40]

I like the line 'check that nothing is broken' it is timely.

It also makes me think of the theory of cause and effect. where the flutter of wings can create a tsunami.

[Bar22do]

I like the line 'check that nothing is broken' it is timely.

It also makes me think of the theory of cause and effect. where the flutter of wings can create a tsunami.

Thank you so much, Delta, that was the aim behind.
But in the meantime, I re-worked the first two lines of the second stanza a bit (well, it might have lost spontaneity...):

A beat of wings at the windows
Raspy breath caught in a nearby shrub
Decaying newspaper fluttering in the wind

She got a creepy feeling when he uttered
“Something’s breaking” And he fell -
At the atria of his heart
a million tiny wings scattered

[hack]

Perhaps it is more surrealist painting than film noir.
Instead of film, a Dali painting?
I am sorry for your loss.

[Delta40]

I actually prefer - she only heard death when he uttered. The reason is because a creepy feeling has to surface be acknowledged be felt, and translated. To me it means his existence is not smite quite as suddenly as when he utters an unanticipated dying statement out loud which underlines his mortality in flutter of a wing

[Bar22do]

thanks again, Delta, I will now sleep on it...


Perhaps it is more surrealist painting than film noir.
Instead of film, a Dali painting?
I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you, hack, the loss is not recent, but only recently I can speak of it.

Otherwise - if I dared, I would perhaps liken (but no more than liken) this atmosphere to what I remember of Bruno Schultz "Sanatorium under the sign of Hourglass"...

[firefangled]

I meant to comment on this days ago and this morning hunted it down. What strikes me most is your device of foretelling in this. I thought it was done very well. What to pick to execute it seems like it would have been difficult in such a short poem.

The use of such a common utterance is inspired to me. In my life I have been beside someone as they died several times and I was always touched by thier last movement or words as being common, but perfect for them.

The word death took me off guard too. It was like you were giving something away about this moment that should not come that easy. If you ever choose to change it, I would keep the replacement to no more than one or two word difference. The pace is wonderful as it is.

Now, having read your poem I cannot imagine any other conclusion. Your metaphor of a million tiny wings was so apt.

I really like your poetry, Bar, the way you see the world.

[firefangled]

Being a cinephile who particularly loves noirs (from their inception in the 40s, to the great late 50s hard boiled entries, to the more modern Sci-fi and neo-noir films like Dark City and LA Confidential) I'm well aware of what they are; I was merely wondering what Prince meant with regard to this piece being a film noir.

For me the quintessential SF film noir is Ridley Scott's Blade Runner, although Dark City is not far behind (Dark City never received the kudos it deserved).

How do you get SF out of LA Confidential? Wasn't that the one with Russell Crowe, Kim Bassinger, and Guy Pierce? Love the line, "We've narrowed the suspects down to about a thousand."

[PrinceMyshkin]

Being a cinephile who particularly loves noirs (from their inception in the 40s, to the great late 50s hard boiled entries, to the more modern Sci-fi and neo-noir films like Dark City and LA Confidential) I'm well aware of what they are; I was merely wondering what Prince meant with regard to this piece being a film noir.

There was something about the crispness of the images and the authoritative way they were presented, a sort of take it or leave it that I associate with film noir.

[firefangled]

Morpheus, forget what I said about LA Confidential. I was not reading your post closely enough. I should not try to tune in while I am at work, too much static.

[qimissung]

This is quite beautiful, Bar22do; it is breathtaking in it's poignant brevity.

[MorpheusSandman]

ah, I was going to say: The Third Man, for me the ultimate movie ever made, unsurpassable... but then there was Chimes at Midnight (with Jeanne Moreau!)...The Third Man is in my top 25 (I recently composed a Top 200 films list...) certainly. I was saddened when I heard the Criterion blu-ray went OOP. I might try to track it down. I haven't seen Chimes at Midnight yet since it's not available on DVD either in the US or UK.

I hope you don't mind this bout of OTness! I love film talk.


For me the quintessential SF film noir is Ridley Scott's Blade Runner, although Dark City is not far behind (Dark City never received the kudos it deserved).Oh, absolutely. I just mentioned Dark City because, one, I recently rewatched it (stunning on blu-ray and my 73" TV) and, two, it DOES need more exposure compared to the very famous Blade Runner (which is definitely a better film). If you love Blade Runner you should check out Mamoru Oshii's Ghost in the Shell which was hugely influenced by it and, indeed, it really kicked off a cyber punk explosion in anime that made it's way back over here via The Matrix.


There was something about the crispness of the images and the authoritative way they were presented, a sort of take it or leave it that I associate with film noir.Aha, I gotcha. I can definitely see that connection now that you've explained it.

[Bar22do]

Fire:

I meant to comment on this days ago and this morning hunted it down. What strikes me most is your device of foretelling in this. I thought it was done very well. What to pick to execute it seems like it would have been difficult in such a short poem.

The use of such a common utterance is inspired to me. In my life I have been beside someone as they died several times and I was always touched by thier last movement or words as being common, but perfect for them.

The word death took me off guard too. It was like you were giving something away about this moment that should not come that easy. If you ever choose to change it, I would keep the replacement to no more than one or two word difference. The pace is wonderful as it is.

Now, having read your poem I cannot imagine any other conclusion. Your metaphor of a million tiny wings was so apt.

I really like your poetry, Bar, the way you see the world.

Thank you, I value your support and appreciation even more so because, since I read your extraordinary last poem the artistry of which humbled me, I felt for a while I should be content with just reading good poetry while silencing my own voice.
Thanks for your suggestion, I'll work on my little piece again.

Morpheus: Of course I do not mind. Now, it won't be as seeing it on a decent size screen, but for lack of any better, I have just checked for you and found you could view the whole Falstaff on YouTube, chopped into 10 min parts (search for Chimes at Midnight or maybe either of the titles). You'll be delighted with the language, goes without saying. Some scenes are filmed as if with intuitive knowledge of the divine proportion...

Prince: thanks for your explanation, your association was right and I take it as a compliment!

quimmisung: I always trust your appreciation, as I would value your criticizm, thanks so much.

[blazeofglory]

A beat of wings at the windows
Raspy breath caught in a nearby shrub
Decaying newspaper fluttering in the wind

She only heard death when he uttered
“Check that nothing is broken” And he fell
At the atria of his heart
a million tiny wings scattered

for Roy, now hopefully free and in a realm of quintessence...



This is beautifully written.

[Bar22do]

Thank you so very much Blaze.