stanfan
01-29-2010, 11:54 PM
Just looking for some critisism good bad or whatever
wrote this and was wondering how it sounds
If today is the first day of the rest of your life then what the hell was yesterday? Ill tell you what yesterday was, the greatest day of my life, yesterday i got the furthest I've ever gone with a girl that i actually loved and thanks to today it will be the last.
We spent close to 5 hours in her bed all but naked kissing deeply and dry humping as hard as possible without anything snapping off. It wasnt lust it was something i only thought i knew about before, it was chick flick movie love. Thats the best way to describe it, we werent perfect and we had our share of arguments. But in person, to see and be around her in person, there is no single word that does this feeling justice.
Imagine a shiver but on the inside, a physical tug on your heart, which is acting like a compass always steering you right toward her. Unexplainable joy and near creepy amounts of smiling, a kind of pulsing in your head similar to that of a buzz. All of this and only this, people around you turn to shadows and everything fades away. its just the two of you, and you know she felt the same thing for you.
That was then, now the chick flick takes a twist and in about twenty secounds or so i become the bad guy. The low life scum who's the butt of every joke and the face of all evil. I wish i could use any of the classic excuses to turn it back on her, but i cant. Shes right, Im to blame for all of this and every fault of hers is earased by my unforgivable crime.
Well for those of you who dont know, the "better to have loved and lost then never loved at all" is a load of crap. For me losing pretty much ment 6 months of hell. The healling proccess however was a metaphorical followed by a literal smack in the face.
The Slappers name was Jabria and she can be one of the most important people in my life at times. She's the stereotypical mean girl, on the outside. In truth its all just armor to keep herself from getting hurt. I dont know if anyone else can see it and i dont ask, me and her know and theres no reason for me to rub it in her face that i figured her out.
Six months and some odd number of days later i learn that the whole "healing" proccess would be alot easier if i didnt have to see her every day. Highschool being a drama filled horror maze isnt a new concept though.
At a small party i find myself being lead up the stairs by my on and off best friend into a bedroom. We close the door behind us as if to confirm we are alone, she's hands down my favorite person and i love the time i get to spend with her. In that room we share our first kiss and i am beyond nervous, it was diffrent then i had anticipated.
We would talk and flirt for about a week after and then she would stop and leave for some other guy, coming to me again on the rebound later and repeating this for some time until she confesses that she loves me. I'd loved her for sometime and was a bit surprised she felt the same.
We became closer and closer till i realized i really loved her, the diffrence being i could actually feel it now, every bit as strong as the first time i felt it. The biggest problem with this new development is that we didnt date in any way shape or form, and she constantly leaves for other guys. Expecting me to be waiting there smiling when she returns. Do i leave even though i want to be with her its just when shes gone that it sucks? Do i throw a pissy fit about it and try to get her to stay even though i know she wont? It seems like those options are ment to get at her when im the one whose gona end up hurting and alone. Or do i suck it up paint on a smile and make her happy even though its killing me inside?
The dragon lands a few feet away from me, i run to grab it but as soon as im close enough it takes off again. Im alone and busy filling the void inside me. I know its all in my head and that im trying to escape but i dont think about it, i fake intrest in my dream land with my freshly painted on smile.
I walk across the stage finishing in the top forty in my graduating class. Grades took a bit of a nose dive Jr. year. I wasnt attending the college of my dreams or one that i actually wanted to go to. I caked the paint on thick and i was going somewhere i hated, to be with my "best friend." She was estatic and i was glad i could make her happy.
I kept quite when the minister asked if there were any reason these two should not be wed and i watched from the pews as she kissed the roomate I'd introduced her to freshman year of college and walked in on during my senior.
During the reception i paid twenty dollars to dance with her for the last time. she was moving away with him to tthe other side of the continent and was so optimistic about their future. She whispered all her dreams of the future in my ear and remniced about our past, chuckling at the parts where we became more then friends. She was estatic and i was glad i could make her happy.
I crawled into bed next to my baby, snuggling real close as it would be the last time i saw her before i deployed. My moving woke her and she turned er head to look at me with her big loving eyes, kissing me once or twice before burying her muzzle in my chest and returning to sleep.
Rays of light shot at me through the window of the HumV causing me to close my eyes for a secound as we rounded the corner. People were screaming all about me, sticking me with needles and IV's. Their tones seemed desprate and distrought, the intended target was roaring above all of them as if being louder would force the bullet to exit my body. I didnt care, my life had made a diffrence, i was free.
wrote this and was wondering how it sounds
If today is the first day of the rest of your life then what the hell was yesterday? Ill tell you what yesterday was, the greatest day of my life, yesterday i got the furthest I've ever gone with a girl that i actually loved and thanks to today it will be the last.
We spent close to 5 hours in her bed all but naked kissing deeply and dry humping as hard as possible without anything snapping off. It wasnt lust it was something i only thought i knew about before, it was chick flick movie love. Thats the best way to describe it, we werent perfect and we had our share of arguments. But in person, to see and be around her in person, there is no single word that does this feeling justice.
Imagine a shiver but on the inside, a physical tug on your heart, which is acting like a compass always steering you right toward her. Unexplainable joy and near creepy amounts of smiling, a kind of pulsing in your head similar to that of a buzz. All of this and only this, people around you turn to shadows and everything fades away. its just the two of you, and you know she felt the same thing for you.
That was then, now the chick flick takes a twist and in about twenty secounds or so i become the bad guy. The low life scum who's the butt of every joke and the face of all evil. I wish i could use any of the classic excuses to turn it back on her, but i cant. Shes right, Im to blame for all of this and every fault of hers is earased by my unforgivable crime.
Well for those of you who dont know, the "better to have loved and lost then never loved at all" is a load of crap. For me losing pretty much ment 6 months of hell. The healling proccess however was a metaphorical followed by a literal smack in the face.
The Slappers name was Jabria and she can be one of the most important people in my life at times. She's the stereotypical mean girl, on the outside. In truth its all just armor to keep herself from getting hurt. I dont know if anyone else can see it and i dont ask, me and her know and theres no reason for me to rub it in her face that i figured her out.
Six months and some odd number of days later i learn that the whole "healing" proccess would be alot easier if i didnt have to see her every day. Highschool being a drama filled horror maze isnt a new concept though.
At a small party i find myself being lead up the stairs by my on and off best friend into a bedroom. We close the door behind us as if to confirm we are alone, she's hands down my favorite person and i love the time i get to spend with her. In that room we share our first kiss and i am beyond nervous, it was diffrent then i had anticipated.
We would talk and flirt for about a week after and then she would stop and leave for some other guy, coming to me again on the rebound later and repeating this for some time until she confesses that she loves me. I'd loved her for sometime and was a bit surprised she felt the same.
We became closer and closer till i realized i really loved her, the diffrence being i could actually feel it now, every bit as strong as the first time i felt it. The biggest problem with this new development is that we didnt date in any way shape or form, and she constantly leaves for other guys. Expecting me to be waiting there smiling when she returns. Do i leave even though i want to be with her its just when shes gone that it sucks? Do i throw a pissy fit about it and try to get her to stay even though i know she wont? It seems like those options are ment to get at her when im the one whose gona end up hurting and alone. Or do i suck it up paint on a smile and make her happy even though its killing me inside?
The dragon lands a few feet away from me, i run to grab it but as soon as im close enough it takes off again. Im alone and busy filling the void inside me. I know its all in my head and that im trying to escape but i dont think about it, i fake intrest in my dream land with my freshly painted on smile.
I walk across the stage finishing in the top forty in my graduating class. Grades took a bit of a nose dive Jr. year. I wasnt attending the college of my dreams or one that i actually wanted to go to. I caked the paint on thick and i was going somewhere i hated, to be with my "best friend." She was estatic and i was glad i could make her happy.
I kept quite when the minister asked if there were any reason these two should not be wed and i watched from the pews as she kissed the roomate I'd introduced her to freshman year of college and walked in on during my senior.
During the reception i paid twenty dollars to dance with her for the last time. she was moving away with him to tthe other side of the continent and was so optimistic about their future. She whispered all her dreams of the future in my ear and remniced about our past, chuckling at the parts where we became more then friends. She was estatic and i was glad i could make her happy.
I crawled into bed next to my baby, snuggling real close as it would be the last time i saw her before i deployed. My moving woke her and she turned er head to look at me with her big loving eyes, kissing me once or twice before burying her muzzle in my chest and returning to sleep.
Rays of light shot at me through the window of the HumV causing me to close my eyes for a secound as we rounded the corner. People were screaming all about me, sticking me with needles and IV's. Their tones seemed desprate and distrought, the intended target was roaring above all of them as if being louder would force the bullet to exit my body. I didnt care, my life had made a diffrence, i was free.