Carousel

[Revolte]

I made a boo boo and posted my favorite poem in the wrong section, so here is another one. In the right place this time.

" Carousel "

The painted sky shall sing again
When all hearts freeze to never end
The beating call of a lovers soul
Will grasp upon all glories goal

And whilst a single tear seeps through
A cautious gasp of soul will brew
And love begins to shine for thee
While deep within thy heart shall bleed

Within these walls I shout for love
And arm my fist to all above
A single moment that lasts all time
Will become to thee all known divine

And in the sheltered realm of peace
A chaotic mess soon will be
For hate and love are one in all
Pain will rule when glee shall fall

And when thy rancid hearts do meet
A single rose now shall seep
A field of dry will cry for mine
As the carousel spins to blend thy life

[PrinceMyshkin]

I regret that on the whole, your commitment to this rhyme scheme distracted me from the 'message' of this.

Have you considered working in either blank or free verse?

[Pendragon]

As the carousel spins to blend thy life

Yeah the rhyme doesn't work for me either, but I love this closing line...

[Alexander III]

I am actually gonna have to disagree with you guys about the rhyme( I know I am biased here) I believe the rhyme works really well and heightens the conveying of the emotions of the poem. I found this poem to be beautifully written, congratulations on creating such a great poem.

I have to say the imagery of the first stanza was particularly wonderful.

[Revolte]

well when i started writing it was in rythem form, that history mixed with lyrical writings makes it a bit difficult for me to go outside of its boundries, though yes I have considerd it.

[MorpheusSandman]

I've got to agree with Prince that in this piece the rhymes seem to distract rather than enhance. There are also some metrical problems as the piece is in iambic tetrameter but occasionally veers off to ill effect like:

"A single moment that lasts all time"

-/-/--///

The extra unstressed beat in the middle and the final three stresses are really jarring after a piece that has been consistent with "-/-/-/-/".

"A chaotic mess soon will be"

Same thing here: --/-//-/

Elsewhere I think the rhyme forces you into some lines that really don't make sense or are very anachronistic like:

The beating call of a lovers soul
Will grasp upon all glories goal

If you want to keep the rhyme scheme and meter it's important you pay attention to rhythm and syntax. An alternate method to simply using end rhymes is to use half rhymes - like soul and fall - or alliteration like soul and low. This offers more freedom while maintaining the general feeling of couplet lines.

[cogs]

i think your voice and intention will be more clear, and easier to work, if you forget about everything (rhyme, rhythm, form), write a poem, then keep revising it according to how you feel it should sound.

[blank|verse]

Yeah, it's a good effort and there are some great lines and phrases in there. This really stood out for me:


Within these walls I shout for love
And arm my fist to all above

'Arming' your fist is (forgive the pun) an image that is really loaded with meaning.

I think overall, I would agree with others who have said the rhyme scheme tends to be a bit too distracting, but it seems clear you've got a good sense of what you want to express, so keep writing.