Gone Fishin' (Sonnet)

[MorpheusSandman]

I take my dingy dinghy made of bark,
All withered from the storms of youth’s revolt -
The tempest’s raging seas and lightning bolts
Have bent and broke my brittle little ark –
And on the silent shore of tranquil mind
With jacket, tackle box, and fishing pole
I’ll row it to the fishes’ swimming hole
And with time in tow they’ll take the bait on lines.
But when did that same time fog up my lake?
I row and row around all lost in mist
Just looking for a fairly tiny patch
That’s clear where I can stay and still exist.
But now I sleep in clouds and cannot wake
To taste the fish that now I cannot catch.

[Delta40]

very nice. I particularly like the line: All withered from the storms of youth’s revolt

I feel like this is about a journey of a greater kind.

[Alexander III]

Marvelous, I really enjoyed the metaphor you used in the poem. Turns out I was mistaken when I said that your feather sonnet was my favorite poem I have seen on the forum.

[Bar22do]

I take my dingy dinghy made of bark,
All withered from the storms of youth’s revolt -
The tempest’s raging seas and lightning bolts
Have bent and broke my brittle little ark –
And to the silent shore of tranquil mind
With jacket, tackle box, and fishing pole
I’ll row it to the fishes’ swimming hole
And with time in tow they’ll take the bait on lines.
But when did that same time fog up my lake?
I row and row around all lost in mist
Just looking for a fairly tiny patch
That’s clear where I can stay and still exist.
But now I sleep in clouds and cannot wake
To taste the fish that now I cannot catch.

This one is so original and beautiful! or rather, this too is so original and beautiful.... "the silent shore of tranquil mind".... "I row and row around all lost in mist"... , well, all of it is breathtaking and so very good and (feels) effortless...
Many thanks for this experience!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I love it that one needn't have noticed it's a sonnet to enjoy the seemingly free and unshackled way it unfolds, and the end-lines that surely hint at a larger philosophic observation.

[blank|verse]

Well, this is all positively Wordsworthian, all this boat-rowing business. (See The Prelude, book I, lines 372-428.)

I'm going to be a bit critical, seeing as I respect you can write poetry well...

I'm not sure about the 'dingy dinghy' pun, I think it strikes too comical a note too early; it's a nice play on words but I don't think the main tone of the poem invites the reader to groan before the end of the first line.


And to the silent shore of tranquil mind
With jacket, tackle box, and fishing pole
I’ll row it to the fishes’ swimming hole

You seem to be going to two places at once here - 'the silent shore' and 'the fishes' swimming hole'; the sentence could do with a punctuation mark after 'it', or something similar.


they’ll take the bait on lines.

Hmm, bit of weak expression. The end rhyme 'lines' works though, so there's got to be something else.


But when did that same time fog up my lake?

I can just see your response to this if someone else had written it: -/--///--/? I know it's the volta but still isn't easy to read first time.


all lost in mist

(Just a comment - a touch of Milton here, perhaps, with the mist reference?)


But now I sleep in clouds and cannot wake
To taste the fish that now I cannot catch.

Try to avoid repetition like this.

But it's certainly got a decent flow to it, it seems quite natural and un-forced, which is always a good thing, particularly with water featuring so heavily in the poem. And I agree with Delta40 about this being a great touch:


the storms of youth’s revolt

[MorpheusSandman]

Thanks to Delta, Alexander, Bar, and Prince.

@Blnk Vrz: Ah, yes; you certainly keep me honest! There is much in your criticism I agree with and some things I don't or, rather, I'd like a chance to explain my intentions (maybe I'm "giving away my secrets" but, hell, if knowing these things ruins a poem then it probably wasn't much of a poem to begin with):


I'm not sure about the 'dingy dinghy' pun, I think it strikes too comical a note too early; it's a nice play on words but I don't think the main tone of the poem invites the reader to groan before the end of the first line.Most of my sonnets have been experimental in one way or another; here I consciously tried to play with constantly shifting tones even line-to-line from the kind of frivolity that the title (and fishing) suggests, to a certain recognition of how we use it to escape the harshness of life and to enter a more calm, meditative state, to how time seems to slowly take all of those "patches" away. So I really wanted the piece to mimic the kind of sudden mental shifts we have in conflicts. Perhaps this is all too much to justify the "dingy dinghy" wordplay but I think without those splashes of playfulness the work is a bit too or more dour than I wanted it to be.


You seem to be going to two places at once here - 'the silent shore' and 'the fishes' swimming hole'; the sentence could do with a punctuation mark after 'it', or something similar.I wondered if perhaps that would be too confusing and since you commented I'm inclined to think it was. The idea was that you have to hit the "shore" or the edge of the lake (or "tranquil mind") before you can actually get out on it and row to your preferred spot.


Hmm, bit of weak expression. The end rhyme 'lines' works though, so there's got to be something else.I agree here. I wasn't sure about that line at all. I wanted to get from the idea of taking one's time to sit out on a lake and how patience (time in tow) would lead to catching fish but I think expressing all that in one line is a bit... congested.


I can just see your response to this if someone else had written it: -/--///--/? I know it's the volta but still isn't easy to read first time.Now THIS I will defend as being justifiable. You know I'm acutely aware of rhythm and I very much was of that as well. You mention the Miltonic reference to mist (something I actually didn't intend) but that line is the most Miltonic in the piece because I wanted to use the abrupt change in meter and, specifically, the central ambiguous stresses* to reinforce the dense, muddled, and surprised nature of realizing that "tranquil spot" has become so fogged. Since so many stresses bog/slow down a meter that's precisely what I thought it provided to a line very much about confusion.

*In fact that line can be scanned any number of ways. It's possible for any or even all of the central words - "that same time fog up" - to be stressed and, as I said I think the surprise shift in meter, the ambiguousness of what is/should be stressed and the nature of those stresses all add to the effect of the line. It's really my proudest moment in the piece.


Try to avoid repetition like this.The repetition was intentional too; cannot repeats in both lines as well. There's a certain similarity in the syntax as well. It was my way of tying those two lines together since I wasn't using a couplet closing; plus I think the repetition suggests a certain "going around in circles" being lost.

[qimissung]

I think it is very well done. I like the last two line. Your use of 'now' and cannot in both seened deliberate to me. It is a tactic I have used. I didn't get the going in circles idea, but I certainly thought this person was lost. Good one, as usual, Morpheus.

[cogs]

wow, i'm partial because i used to fish a lot. 'but when did that same time fog up my lake?' this line could have been hinted with action, as in, '...all lost in mist'. i believe throughout the majority, you have relayed your metaphor in an understandable method (which, from my last poem's subject, is important to me, in order for the audience to enjoy). but really, i did enjoy this poem! i can visualize the old man on the sea, waiting to catch the big one. then comes the storm, and things get rough. great, great job, morpheus.
p.s. 'splashes of playfulness' - water on the brain?

[Pendragon]

Sounds like one of my idyllic afternoons in the Spring, Summer, and Fall. I never liked ice-fishing, but the other seasons I go almost every day. Thanks for sharing!

[blank|verse]

I wanted to use the abrupt change in meter and, specifically, the central ambiguous stresses* to reinforce the dense, muddled, and surprised nature of realizing that "tranquil spot" has become so fogged.

I see what you're saying but I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.


But when did that same time fog up my lake?

My point is that, although there are other stresses, the main stress of the sentence falls on the verb 'fog' (and equally so on 'lake') so most of the sentence is skipped over quite quickly to get to the piece of information the verb tells us, so therefore it doesn't bog down the reader. The expletives 'that same' which could be removed with no loss of meaning, don't help here.

Maybe something like:

'But time fogged up my peaceful, placid lake'

with stronger stresses towards the start of the sentence would help.


The repetition was intentional too; cannot repeats in both lines as well.

Again, I take the point - and had noticed the repetition of 'cannot', which reads fine as it stands - but somehow repeating 'now', unless done more obviously (eg. in the same place in the line) seems to be less defensible.

Anyway, I don't wish to detract too much from the poem as a whole, which is very accomplished and I think is stronger and more free-flowing than others I've read by you; they certainly seem less encumbered by archaisms and are all the better for it, so I look forward to the next one you write.

On a fishy theme, I recently read the sonnet 'Sunday Morning' by Louis MacNeice, the first two lines of which are:


Down the road someone is practising scales,
The notes like little fishes vanish with a wink of tails...

and you're thinking - I don't need to read any more! There's the poem right there.

[Lokasenna]

Excellent!

Your poem juxtaposes whimsy with serious existentialism - and it works marvellously!Few poems can make me smile and be sad at the same time, and your one has pithily managed it!

[MorpheusSandman]

Thanks to qimi, cogs, Pen and Loasenna.


My point is that, although there are other stresses, the main stress of the sentence falls on the verb 'fog' (and equally so on 'lake') so most of the sentence is skipped over quite quickly to get to the piece of information the verb tells us, so therefore it doesn't bog down the reader.See, I strongly disagree though I'd like to get the opinions of other readers as well to see how they think that line reads. "When" is the obvious first stress since it identifies the line as a question. "Did" is an easy non-stress which naturally creates the expectation for another stress. Single word adjectives are almost always stressed, and with both "that" and "same" coming after a non-stress I think they are naturally stressed as well, but "Time", being the main subject should be stressed too. Yes, "fog" is the long awaited verb which is almost always stressed but single-word adverbs are usually stressed like single-word adjectives and with up following it's possible to stress that too.

But nobody says a line with 5 straight stresses so I honestly don't think it's as easy to skim as you think to get to "fog" if you're reading it naturally. If you're reading it to the beat of iambic pentameter then I think it frustrates that as well since fog wouldn't even come on the usual stressed beat.


somehow repeating 'now', unless done more obviously (eg. in the same place in the line) seems to be less defensible.Point duly noted. I can't say I entirely disagree and I certainly think 'cannot' works better being repeated.


they certainly seem less encumbered by archaisms and are all the better for itI like my archaisms. :p