Across My Road

[Susu J]

The gentleman across our road,
Travels far and wide,
He is nowhere to be seen by day,
And yet his lights are on by night.
I’ve only seen him once or twice,
Coming home on his motorbike
He hurries into his shell and locks,

The timber door he left behind.

He does not wave nor say hello
In fact, goodbye is all I see.
He fades away in the earliest hour
Amid the fog, that surrounds our street.
I’ve never seen his face before,
Just a silhouette on a deafening bike
That roars as it cracks through our street.
Waking the little ones from their sleep.

The ‘lonely man’ shall be his name
Since I know of no-one who visits him,

The lonely stranger, with golden hair,
That seems to always look filthy.
Oh ‘lonely man’, take off your helmet
And show to me your cobalt eyes.
The ones that glisten with the moon
The pair that illuminate the darkened sky,
But you’re not concerned and you’d rather be

Alone, alone all alone by yourself.

And so that’s how it’s going to be,
After all, you will always, forever be
A lonely man across my road.


I am a new poet, I have only posted one poem and with the feedback I received some suggested that I try all kinds of poetry, that is, poetry that rhymes and poetry that doesn't. I am finding it a bit difficult to write poetry that does not rhyme, hence I would appreciate it if you would give me some writing tips on how to further improve.

[cogs]

this is wonderful allegory. i like how he fades away like the fog. it seems as if you'll improve naturally, since you're focusing on the images and conclusions.

[Susu J]

Thanks for your reply cogs :-)

[Dinkleberry2010]

xxxxxxx

[hack]

I like it very much. It paints a vivid picture. It is fog bound and mysterious,
both the setting and the man on the motorcycle. It begs more and requires
the reader to fill in spaces to make it what he/she wills it to be. Good job.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I will give you the only tip I consider worth giving after reading your fine poem: write another, and another. Fall in love with the various ways you can express yourself. Do not experiment purely for the sake of experimenting but only to get at whatever moves, delights or irritates you.

Way to go!

[Alexander III]

I have to say I found the poem very intriguing, and I also loved the structure, it worked really well in my opinion.

[Buh4Bee]

You should try all kinds of poetry. Practice will help.

I must say, I liked the idea of a lonely middle aged man that rides a motorcycle and just wants to be a loner. There is something alluring about that kind of personality. I've been thinking about rhyme and just started a poem yesterday.

Thanks for posting!

[MorpheusSandman]

I love the theme of voyeurism; of watching other people and imagining the life and world that they exist in and that exists inside them. "Everyone has a story", as they say, and this reads almost like a modern parable or fable with the hints of mystery and the evocative imagery; you make the reader wonder just as much about the subject as the speaker.

Technique-wise I'd recommend paying more attention to the rhythm. Many of the lines seem to maintain iambic tetrameter but then you mix in some trimeter lines which converts it to a common aka ballad meter famously used by Emily Dickinson such as:

"The gentleman across our road,
Travels far and wide,"

Scans: -/-/-/-/ || /-/-/

It's a very strong, distinct meter that clashes when you revert to all tetrameter:

"He is nowhere to be seen by day,
And yet his lights are on by night."

--/-/-/-/
-/-/-/-/

and there are other lines which tends to interrupt the rhythm such as:

"I’ve only seen him once or twice,
Coming home on his motorbike
He hurries into his shell and locks,"

Which scans: -/-/-/-/ || /-/--/-/ || -/-/--/-/

You have to watch out for alternating stresses on opening words and inserting stray unstressed beats into lines. The second line could be fixed by simply adding "When" at the beginning, and the second could be fixed by changing "into" to "to".

Of course it's equally possible to create a consistent meter using any set of combinations; like tetra/tri/tetra/tetra or exchanging the trimeter for a syntax that adds another kind of pause but if you're not consistent the result can be a bit discomforting to the reader.

[cogs]

thank you for the informative and interesting technique, morpheus.

[Susu J]

Thank you all for your replies, thanks to cogs, Jermac, hack, PrinceMyshkin, Alexander III and jersea.
Thanks to Morpheus for your thorough explanation!!!

[paperleaves]

As all the wise poets have mentioned above me--this is great! The only way to feel confident about your writing is to fall in love with your writings. Experiment, and even on your failed attempts, remember the great quote from Dickens' Great Expectations...



"So," said Estella, "the success is not mine, the failure is not mine, but the two, together, make me."



love
Kate

[blank|verse]

Yes, I liked it as well; for one of your first poems this is very encouraging.

I particularly liked your narrative style, the way you just let events unfurl in front of the reader's eyes.

I agree with what Morpheus said - the first two lines do start like a ballad (see also 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner' and Oscar Wilde's 'The Ballad of Reading Gaol' for example), which is something you need to be aware of, as it establishes a strong rhythm; the reader will expect this to continue throughout the poem.

I just have some questions about the details of the story. Eg. you say:


I’ve never seen his face before,
Just a silhouette on a deafening bike

but then later describe his face in some detail, saying he has:


[...] golden hair,
That seems to always look filthy.
Oh ‘lonely man’, take off your helmet
And show to me your cobalt eyes.
The ones that glisten with the moon
The pair that illuminate the darkened sky,

so I couldn't work out if you'd seen his face or not. Also, in the second line, you say he:


Travels far and wide,

but how can you know that when you don't even know his name, or anyone else who knows him? Eg:


The ‘lonely man’ shall be his name
Since I know of no-one who visits him,

I also felt the story could have gone somewhere or revealed something about the 'lonely man' or about yourself reflecting on this man's life, or certainly something that brought the poem to a stronger conclusion.

I hope this doesn't sound too critical, because as I said, I enjoyed the poem and think you've got a very good natural style. I just think you need to be aware of ensuring the narrative is tight.

As for writing without rhyme, just listen to the words of each sentence, speak them aloud, and with practice you should develop a sense of which ones sound and feel right. You can stick to metre, like Morpheus suggested, or you can write more free verse, where you have to be aware of the 'weight' of each sentence, how many strong stresses there are in a sentence, how it balances against those around it, what it is you're trying to say... in short, it's not easy to explain!

[PrinceMyshkin]

in short, it's not easy to explain!

Indeed, I agree and I hope I'm not trampling on Susu J's right to respond, but I think it needs to be said that there are very few here who make as stalwart an effort as you do to explain what isn't easy to explain!

[MorpheusSandman]

but how can you know that when you don't even know his name, or anyone else who knows him? Eg:FWIW, the way I interpreted it is that the speaker conveniently slips in and out of both describing the "facts" of never seeing them to imagining what they look like, what they do, where they go, etc. This may or may not have been intended, but I think it fits.

[Susu J]

Hi all,
In response to blnk vrz’s questions:

You noted that you were confused with
“I’ve never seen his face before”
and then
“The lonely stranger, with golden hair,
That seems to always look filthy.”

To see someone’s face is different to seeing the back of their head. In the poem I speak of having an urge to see his face, that is, his eyes, nose, lips, etc. When it comes to
“show to me your cobalt eyes.
The ones that glisten with the moon…”
This is me (as Morpheus mentioned) imagining what the man may look like, or rather what I want him to look like. This figure has me so absorbed by his dark and mysterious persona that I begin to imagine him to possess certain traits and characteristics.

Again
“he travels far and wide”
is me going in and out of fantasies, that is, what I expect from this mysterious individual. For all I know he could just be going to the shops, but I want to believe that he is a voyager because this assumption creates a sense of excitement, jumping in and out of reality forces me to think that this man is more than just another average person.

Again, the part
“The ‘lonely man’ shall be his name
since I know of no-one who visits him,”

Here I am indicating to you, the responder, this is what I have named him, it is trying to show to the responder that I have become so enthralled by his persona that I know if someone has vistsed him or not, hence I name him the "lonely man” because I have seen no-one come to stop by his place.

I know that it was difficult to see all those things in the poem, but I obviously need to improve since I am only new at this. I appreciate your comments and taking the time to read it. Sorry about having to explain so much, I know that if you see it then its there, and if you don’t, then you don't. Thanks for your questions though, the more you have to say about my writing the more I can improve, so thank you very much!!!!

Susu

[blank|verse]

Thanks for the response Susu. I see what you mean, and presumed that you were imaginatively 'filling in the blanks' of what you didn't know about his appearance. I can see how it works better in some lines than others, particularly those later in the poem, when the reader understands more about the 'lonely man'.

However, as this piece of information comes in line 2:


The gentleman across our road,
Travels far and wide,

it doesn't give the reader chance to think that's you imagining what he might do - that's you telling the reader what he does, so maybe should have been saved until later in the poem.

But it's certainly an intriguing subject and I hope is the first of many poems of similar quality.

[Susu J]

Thanks blnk vrz. I am sure i will bump into you again some time soon, your criticism (which has been extremely helpful) is valued greatly.
Thanks.

[Bar22do]

I can but add my voice with the others' and command you for this genuine, unpretentious, well achieved piece of poetry, naturally awaking one's curiosity re the lonely man who becomes special indeed, as well as re your budding or revealing talent... great, and you have already all the technical remarks and advice. Have a great weekend and thank you for sharing! Bar

[firefangled]

This reminds me of the Paul Simon song "A Most Peculiar Man." I enjoyed it very much.

You've received great advice from some very good writers and critics. Keep writing and reading (just as important) poetry, because it is difficult to explain and perhaps a little less difficult to see and hear. The consistency and repetition in more formal poetry may help you to see what Morpheus explained very well about sound and rhythm.

What you have going for you is honesty and simplicity. It seems you recognized embellishment, in either language or detail, was unnecessary to tell the story. You have a good sense for the right detail. This is not easily taught, it's a gift.

One of the most difficult things to learn is to develop a calculated distance from what you write. You sort of have to learn to turn this on and off in the process.

[PrinceMyshkin]

What you have going for you is honesty and simplicity. It seems you recognized embellishment, in either language or detail, was unnecessary to tell the story. You have a good sense for the right detail. This is not easily taught, it's a gift.

One of the most difficult things to learn is to develop a calculated distance from what you write. You sort of have to learn to turn this on and off in the process.

Bravo for these comments. As for the latter comment, when I taught Creative Writing, I secretly thought that what I was really doing was to teach my students Creative Reading, or perhaps I should say detached reading, as applied to their own work. We cannot write, I believe, without falling in love with what we write; the harder but more necessary part is to fall, at least partially, out of love with our darlings in order to see them clearly - and, hopefully, to love them still - or even better.

[Susu J]

To firefangled, you stated:
"One of the most difficult things to learn is to develop a calculated distance from what you write."

What do you mean by this exactly?

[firefangled]

To firefangled, you stated:
"One of the most difficult things to learn is to develop a calculated distance from what you write."

What do you mean by this exactly?

You may have heard the old adage, "a face only a mother could love."

No matter how practiced and proficient a poet any of us become, we will have a tendency to see our poems with the eyes of a parent.

In other words, what we write poetry or otherwise comes from our heart and mind. We may write about something for which we feel deeply, a lost love, a perfect night, a new love (you get the picture), but once you think the poem is finished, you have to be able to read it to yourself like someone will read it who did not have your experience to fill in any gaps. This takes distance, removing your heart and mind from the exercise and read it new. It is not always easy.

Even when the subject is dear to you, in the end you must fight against the feeling that inspired it to render that feeling in an art form. Once you commit to make a poem (or any art form), it becomes the most important object of your work, not the lost love, not the new love, but the work of art. This is because the poem needs to be larger than your experience that inspired it.

It is one thing to be sincere in your dealings with friends and lovers, but art is beyond sincerity alone. In a way sincerity is a trap in art.

In any art there are devises and formalities and boundaries. Even if you "break away" you best step back and assess where you are going.

To gain distance, read other poets that you like and understand. Learn what they do. Work the same stuff into your own poetry, things like assonance, consonance, alliteration, onomatopoeia, rhythm. See how they break lines and learn why. Then read your own stuff with the same objectivity. What devises do you see, what line breaks, why did you do it that way. Leave your heart out of it at that point.

Someone else around here may have been able to answer you better. I'm long-winded when it comes to explanations. I hope I answered your question. In a nut shell distance = objectivity. Like anything worthwhile it takes practice, but the practice should be as rewarding as it is tedious at times.

[MorpheusSandman]

@firefangled: I actually think you gave a most eloquent and thorough explanation. If all it took to make great art was passion, sincerity, and a depth of feeling, emotion, thought, and sensitivity than there would be infinitely more great artists than there are. The fact is that art is as much a learned skill, a technique, a science, a language as it is anything else. While inspiration, honesty, and all of the things that drive us to create in the first place are incredibly important it's useless if we don't know how to communicate those things in some form, in some medium, to someone else. Art is an abstract medium; a way to express things that can't be captured in natural language. And it's a constant struggle between the rules, guidelines, standards, etc. of art and how we transfer our inspiration into those things.


We cannot write, I believe, without falling in love with what we write;I'm always in love with what I write when I first conceive it, it frustrates me as I try to write it, and when I finish it I'm almost always torn between love and hate. Love for the original concept and ideal in my head, and hate because it always ultimately fails to match that ideal. Writing is very much like real life relationships in that way. :D

[Susu J]

Firefangled, you gave a very articulate answer in response to my question. I completely understand what you mean and often have difficultly with this since I presume everyone will understand what I am writing about, but as you noted, that's not always the case.

[firefangled]

Firefangled, you gave a very articulate answer in response to my question. I completely understand what you mean and often have difficultly with this since I presume everyone will understand what I am writing about, but as you noted, that's not always the case.

I'm glad it was helpful, Susu.

I don't think the difficulty of being clear ever goes away. I think you understand that it does become an enjoyable challenge though the more you do it.

I look forward to your next poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm always in love with what I write when I first conceive it, it frustrates me as I try to write it, and when I finish it I'm almost always torn between love and hate.

Graham Greene wrote somewhere that a writer i a person who always fails. Indeed, perhaps our next piece is always to some extent an attempt to compensate for the failings of the last one...


Love for the original concept and ideal in my head, and hate because it always ultimately fails to match that ideal. Writing is very much like real life relationships in that way. :D

Indeed, re your last statement: in that way and in so many others. I've often thought that my own writing is a microcosm of the relationship I have (or would like to have) with the world.

[Susu J]

That is very true, Prince. I also see writing as a form of reassurance, through metaphors and similes we hide our true personas, we may write about our day but within that creation we also embed within it what we want to see and witness, who we want to become. I see writing as a cathartic experience, reality can be harsh sometimes but the beauty of writing enables you to be whoever and whatever you wish, whenever you want!

[PrinceMyshkin]

That is very true, Prince. I also see writing as a form of reassurance, through metaphors and similes we hide our true personas, we may write about our day but within that creation we also embed within it what we want to see and witness, who we want to become. I see writing as a cathartic experience, reality can be harsh sometimes but the beauty of writing enables you to be whoever and whatever you wish, whenever you want!

Oh yes, all of what you you say is true: "a form of reassurance..," catharsis; revenge; gratitude; an assertion of our hereness in the world, and much more but in the end, perhaps most rewardingly, a kind of exalted play in which we explore the beauty of language, its subtleties, its hidden secrets...