In Darkness Angels Weep

[Dark Muse]

In Darkness Angels Weep

Hush gently
into the still night
Come softly
as shadows take flight
Be calm
for the beacon of light
Keep silence
before the eternal sight
Fall breathless
amid her feathered plight
Sweet lament
for angels last delight

[MorpheusSandman]

It definitely bears your unmistakable dark romanticism, DM; beautiful as always. My only suggestion is to keep the stresses/meter more regular on the rhymed lines. Some scan with two stresses like "for the beacon of light" (--/--/) while some have a definite three like "amid her feathered plight" (-/-/-/).

[Dark Muse]

Thank you for your comments, meter is one thing I have to say that I don't pay much attention to in my writing, the lines were molded around more the particular imagery I wanted to convey.

[cogs]

this is tragic and peaceful... i would've liked to see a couplet to describe the delight and/or fall. great imagery, with the shadows taking flight... would never have seen it that way. also, i love the adjectives/adverbs!

[Dinkleberry2010]

Wow...that's all I can say about this poem. It rendered me speechless for a moment.
It's great

[Dark Muse]

Thank you very much. It means a great deal to me, as well I wasn't quite sure how others would take this one being it is a bit different from some of my other poems in style and structure.

[Alexander III]

I found the language beautiful yet at the same time it portrayed that almost grim tone of the poem. I also enjoyed the structure, for me the rhythm was superb. However I shall not comment on the meter as I tend to be a dunce with such things :)

[blank|verse]

Very nice. There's a hint of the seductive temptress in your use of rhyme in this, like you're luring the reader into a false sense of security - or a trap! - which is definitely worth pursuing in future poems. I think you've incorporated rhyme into your style very effectively here.

I think you need to be careful you don't over-do it though - there are too many -ight words rhymed for my liking. And also, what Morpheus said about stresses is worth paying attention to. However, I felt the line


amid her feathered plight

was ok in context. It does have three stresses, but the first one (a-MID) is relatively lighter than the others (FEA-thered PLIGHT) which are stronger, so I think that's acceptable as a two-beat line. The way to check is to read it out to yourself and listen closely to the stresses you naturally place on the words. Eg. compare it with the last line


for angels last delight

which clearly has three strong stresses.

I couldn't help but 'remix' it as well, which changes the rhythm. (I'm not saying it's better, but it does create an interesting effect...)


Hush gently.

Into the still night
come softly

as shadows take flight
be calm

for the beacon of light
keep silence

Fall breathlessly amid her feathered plight
A sweet lament for angels' last delight.

And it reminds me, I must read Dylan Thomas again...

[Dark Muse]

I thank you for your comments but it was an intentional choice upon my part not to write this poem in the form of couplets.

And the placement of the lines I had rather purposefully aliened the way I did with the two word phrases coming first to be followed by the mono rhyme.

The meter may be bothersome to others but I wrote this poem with the intent of capturing a particular visual effect which I think is altered in the restructuring of the poem, even if the lines are the same, I feel it takes the poem in a different direction which does not stay true to my original vision.

[blank|verse]

The meter may be bothersome to others but I wrote this poem with the intent of capturing a particular visual effect which I think is altered in the restructuring of the poem, even if the lines are the same, I feel it takes the poem in a different direction which does not stay true to my original vision.

Ok, fair enough. I just thought it was an interesting experiment...

[cogs]

is that a wing?!

[Lokasenna]

I don't think the metre matters much - the imagery is potent and deeply emotive. It was a pleasure to read!

[Bar22do]

Very nice. There's a hint of the seductive temptress in your use of rhyme in this, like you're luring the reader into a false sense of security - or a trap! - which is definitely worth pursuing in future poems. I think you've incorporated rhyme into your style very effectively here.


I agree with blnk, for, in addition to the powerful suggestive imagery of your poem, what captured me was precisely its tone, entrancing into something critical which it is then hard to escape...

[stephofthenight]

very lovely, it reminds me of those times when there is a dark angel and you know you shouldnt take there hand, but you just cant help it, its so tempting and smooth. beautiful imagery and word choice. This is deff. one of my favorites from you. thanks for sharing