Untitled

[Kutta]

Untitled

Is a piece
of worn concrete
worth more or less
than the dust-crust
on my woe-counting
fingers.

Just how deep
Does my heart’s beat
Seep down
into the ground
If I lie down
on the street.


Growing ↑

A spacious apartment with warm, shadowy corners is filled with children’s secret, beautiful weeping.
Under my blanket, the universe transforms to scents and figures melting in the darkness.
Our small souls get torn, between a short sigh and a crackling of the floor.
Scars slowly coalesce into the words of a long, bittersweet story.
Finally, your consciousness is washed ashore, looks
Around, and finds itself alone.

[MorpheusSandman]

Wow, Kutta... man, you're the LAST person I expected to see posting a poem on here! You've spent so many years reading and critiquing (mostly silently, but sometimes textually... and very well I might add!) my writings I feel a bit awkward critiquing yours, but I must say I really love this. The balance in the lines is superb and I especially love the use of rhymes and assonance in the second stanza. Maybe it's the brevity of the lines but the image of someone lying in the street listening to their heart beat as they sink into it comes through so vividly.

One question: Was it it intentional to not complete the "Does a piece" question?

[Bar22do]

Does a piece
of worn concrete
worth more or less
than the dust-crust
on my woe-counting
fingers.

Just how deep
Does my heart’s beat
Seep down
into the ground
If I lie down
on the street.

Did you mean "Is a piece"? Your great poem calls to mind (to my mind) something of Dali's watches, but with no derision and with due regard for the feelings that lie behind your lines...

[~Sophia~]

Hi Kutta! I loved this but agree with Bar in questioning the first word. "Is" seems to make more sense. I might also suggest dropping the first "down" since seeping covers the direction I believe. Perhaps like this?...

Is a piece
of worn concrete
worth more or less
than the dust-crust
on my woe-counting
fingers.

Just how deep
does my heart’s
beat seep
into the ground
if I lie down
on the street.

[MorpheusSandman]

I don't know Sophia; I rather prefer it with the repetition of ground. Something about the dual usage here resonates off each other and the delayed rhyme with street seems to work better with the two downs. Just IMO of course.

[~Sophia~]

It was only a suggestion Morpheus (admittedly based on a personal dislike of word repetition in such a short poem) but, I can understand your point of view! Either way, it's a great poem!

[Kutta]

Thank you all the feedback; I corrected does to is, it's a simple grammar mistake I overlooked, you know, I'm basically a non-native, adolescent English practitioner. Transferring the basic ideas to English without totally screwing up the rhymes and the structures is currently pretty woeful for me.

@Eva Yojimbo:

"One question: Was it it intentional to not complete the "Does a piece" question?"

Complete in what sense? Not providing an answer was intentional, and not putting a question mark at the end was also; I don't think anything else is missing from the sentence grammar wise.

[Kutta]

*I added another short poem to the OP because the board read-me advises against creating more than one poem thread per day*

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm afraid I didn't get much out of the first poem but this



Growing ↑

A spacious apartment with warm, shadowy corners is filled by children’s secret, beautiful weeping.
Under my blanket, the universe transforms to scents and figures melting in the darkness.
Our small souls get torn between a short sigh and a crackling of the floor.
Scars slowly coalesce into the words of a long, bittersweet story.
Finally, your consciousness is washed ashore, looks
Around, and finds itself alone.

is vivid, strong and moving.

[Kutta]

Thank you Prince!

Regarding the second poem, there is no "torn between" expression, only "torn" and "between" separately. Once again I only realized a bit later that torn between means something in particular... Do you have any suggestions how to modify? Hmm, I just tentatively added a comma right after torn, maybe this way it's less ambiguous, and torn and floor make a rhyme:P

[MorpheusSandman]

Complete in what sense? I don't think anything else is missing from the sentence grammar wise."Does" needs a verb somewhere along the line; it reads fine now with "is" instead of "does".

I love, love, love the second one. Man it really brings back memories of being a kid and curling up under my great grandmother's woven blankets and losing myself in my own universe of thoughts and imaginations. There's something really powerful in the diminutions of the lines. But this one especially struck me as powerful: "Our small souls get torn, between a short sigh and a crackling of the floor."

Really excellent. I wish I had written that. :)