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[paperleaves]

there are bags full of helium balloons,
nearly deflated, left in hospital wastebaskets
for the maintenance workers to take away
after the roses have been hung
taut from twine nooses
at the foot of their beds.
and my eyes wander to find them,
little harbingers of hope, floating
ever so gracefully
into defeat

[MorpheusSandman]

Boy, this is definitely a poignant one. I think for anyone who's ever been in a hospital and felt that potent mingling of despair and hopeless hope this really nails that feeling. The only criticism I can offer might be that it could do with some elaboration.

[Bar22do]

there are bags full of helium balloons,
nearly deflated, left in hospital wastebaskets
for the maintenance workers to take away
after the roses have been hung
taut from twine nooses
at the foot of their beds.
and my eyes wander to find them,
little harbingers of hope, floating
ever so gracefully
into defeat

Paper, having worked myself in hospitals and mental health institutions, I keenly feel your poem which is a précis of despair and one so powerful, that it sort of offers a path to what there was before suffering had begun. Your art defeated defeat... thank you and love -Bar.

[~Sophia~]

This poem reminded me of a time I arrived at a hospital to visit a friend but she was gone. A woman was cleaning the area around the bed and I remember a feeling of sheer panic wondering what happened to her! (she was moved to another floor). It's diabolical that the sight of little tokens of caring like balloons, cards and flowers can invoke such sorrow.

Beautiifully written dear Paoer!

[PrinceMyshkin]

there are bags full of helium balloons,
nearly deflated, left in hospital wastebaskets
for the maintenance workers to take away
after the roses have been hung
taut from twine nooses
at the foot of their beds.
and my eyes wander to find them,
little harbingers of hope, floating
ever so gracefully
into defeat

I've come to expect longer, more expansive poems from you, so it is an additional feather in your cap that you can be so taut, so economical - and still, so moving. The lines:



after the roses have been hung
taut from twine nooses
at the foot of their beds.

are killers!

[paperleaves]

Thank you, Morpheus, Bar, Sophia, and Prince!
I would really like to expand this poem and offer a more descriptive light (I've never edited a poem before) but it feels like it would be fun to do. I'm almost saddened by the fact that everyone can empathize with this feeling because it is the worst, most sickening feeling on Earth.

love you all,
Kate

[blank|verse]

after the roses have been hung
taut from twine nooses

Yes, I agree with Prince - this metaphor is very effective in the context.

However, I would disagree with:
so taut, so economical and feel the poem could be tightened a lot.

For example, the first sentence is six lines long (out of the poem's ten) which means it's quite 'loose' and quick to read. I like the tone you've achieved and feel that shorter lines, or more punctuation, and more chance for the reader to stop and consider what is being said, would strengthen the poem.

Also, syntactically, it currently reads as if the 'maintenance workers' are attaching the roses to their own beds.

I'd be tempted to try and write some lines without finite verbs, so you're just giving a stark description. The fact there is no main verb can give the reader a bit of a jolt, as it denies the sense of time and place, and that might work quite well here. (I'd also use Capital Letters as this slows the reader as well. I don't think you want pace here.) Eg. the first line could read:


Bags full of helium balloons,
nearly deflated, left in hospital wastebaskets.

Maintenance workers take them away...

[cogs]

with blnk, i agree that poetry can improve impact, by utilizing rhythms and word placement. that this is so brief, speaks that you're giving thought to the single subject's many facets. love the ending, and the fact that they start out deflated. you just grab the heart all around.

[qimissung]

your last line really makes it all hang together, and brings a lump to my throat.

[Buh4Bee]

I could care less about the technical side of the poem-whether it's the correct meter or what not. It seems to be an inspirational thought you had in the moment and it is effectively articulated. But then again, I am the least technical writer around. I think it really constrains me, so I'm biased.

It's not one of my favorite poems of yours, but it evokes the sense of death or lose. I guess you experience this often enough working in the hospital.