A Rendezvous

[free]

I walk by gates
proud and locked
in the evening silence

I walk under avenue-alleys
patroling along the streets
spreading their treetops

I walk across parks and gardens
neat and clean
like philanthropist's palms

I walk musing
over rendezvous
expecting me
offered to me
which I desire

[blank|verse]

neat and clean
like a philanthropist's palms

Wow, what a simile that is. Like it. (Being picky, I'd tidy it up to "like philanthropists' palms" but it's still really good.)

And I like the understated tone of the whole poem.

I'm not too sure about 'avenue-alleys' though, it's a bit of a lumpy expression in the context of the rest of the poem.

And I was a bit disappointed with the ending. You seemed to be enjoying your own company wandering around, so I found it odd you're not as absorbed by your surroundings as the poem makes you sound, and in fact 'desiring' to be with someone else.

It's interesting though, because your choice of language portrays a mixed relationship with the urban environment. You talk of gates that are 'proud and locked' and trees that 'patrol' the streets (and the clinical 'philanthropist's palms' of course) - which all makes it sound quite authoritarian, like they're all police spies surveying your every move.

Yet you also talk of the trees 'spreading' their tops, which is very protective - and you're obviously comfortable enough to walk around 'musing' - so the overall impression it gives is quite ambiguous. If you weren't aware of this, maybe it's something to consider next time.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. You truly are a flaneur, as the French would say.

[Dinkleberry2010]

There is a sense of mystery about this poem that left me wondering. It provoked a mood of strange solitude in me. I can't explain exactly what I mean. The poem sort of cast a spell over me--but that's not exactly it either.
It's strange.

[MorpheusSandman]

I don't think I can add anything to blnk vrz's brilliant critique.

[Bar22do]

I love the lightness of your poem and the subtle sarcasm I detected in your metaphor:



I walk across parks and gardens
neat and clean
like a philanthropist's palms


I am a flaneur, or rather, a flaneuse myself! Thank you Free!

[blank|verse]

I am a flaneur, or rather, a flaneuse myself!

I stand corrected, as I presume Free is also...

[free]

Thanks, bink vrz, for your very comprehensive and delicate critic of my poem. I’ve corrected the mistake of a needless indefinite article, thanks.

Do you have any suggestion what instead of 'avenue-alleys'? I would be really grateful to hear it from you.

About your disappointment... I thougth that a bit strange description of the scenery in the first couplets maybe a good introduction into a rendezvous with a mysterious someone. Because ‘the someone’ with whom the rendezvous is to follow is the real reason why the whole atmosphere is experienced and sensed in such a strange way. To show that it is not an ordinary date with a guy, but something more sublime. At least, this is what I tried to conjure up.

Thanks, Jermac, I am glad that the poem’s made an impression upon you.

Thanks, MorpheusSandman and Bar22do , for reading and leaving your comments.

[blank|verse]

:flare: Tries again after having lost the first version of this reply...

(Nice calm thoughts... and begin.)

I don't want to write the poem for you, but what about something like...


I walk along avenues
where plane trees patrol
with outstretched arms

But I'm sure you can do better than that.


About your disappointment... I thougth that a bit strange description of the scenery in the first couplets maybe a good introduction into a rendezvous with a mysterious someone.

I hear what you're saying, but because the poem is basically a commentary of the world around you, that's what the reader concentrates on as well. For example, the repetition of 'I walk' at the start of each stanza is quite simple, but is effective here because it gives the reader a sense of time passing, as he/she wanders around the streets with you.

And when you have a strong image like the "philanthropists' palms" (check the apostrophe now the word is plural) you're leading the reader to consider what you mean by this exactly, and, because you've not mentioned anything or anyone else, it does come as a 'surprise' that you don't resolve all your 'musings' on what you've just described over the first three stanzas.

I think the other thing is, that because you're describing everything else and not the guy you're meeting, it sounds like you're not too bothered by him. If you were, perhaps you'd be thinking of nothing else, and being self-conscious about if you're running late, or if all this walking is making you perspire or whatever... or is that just me?

[free]

Thanks, blnk_vrz, you are a very analytic commentator. I feel very happy to have drawn your attention by my poem. It is really helpful. Thanks a lot.

[blank|verse]

Thanks, blnk_vrz, you are a very analytic commentator.
You noticed!

I feel very happy to have drawn your attention by my poem. It is really helpful. Thanks a lot.
That's very kind of you to say so. Thank you for your comments and I'm glad you appreciated my feedback. I look forward to reading your next poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Obviously the poem has had a good, respectful reception, and I endorse the favourable comments on it. What struck me was the dramatic contrast between the first few, calm, musing verses and the rather naked, vulnerable final one.

[free]

Thanks, Prince, I always read all your comments and I enjoy them, too. For me, writing a good critic is a harder work than to write a piece of literature.