Dear Butterfly

[Lyn05]

You endured the sharp remarks
Of your looks in childhood
And at middle-age,
Spent such a long time in solitude.
So why is it that when you finally break free
And unleash your striking beauty,
You only live to flaunt it
For two weeks?

[sangha]

I like the idea behind the poem, but since you're depicting a metamorphosis maybe the words you use should change, or the structure at least, not just add two lines for the butterfly. It seems very...unbalanced? Two lines for the baby, two for the youth, and four for the adult...I don't see nature playing favorites. That's just a personal qualm...I'm a fan of balance. Also, some phrases are a bit unnecessary:
"You only live to flaunt it/
For just two weeks?"
Only/Just clash.
Also "Unleash" "Striking Beauty" clash, for some reason...can't name it though. May be the unnecessary thing again. Along the same lines, "spent such a long time" doesn't do anything for aesthetics really...

[PrinceMyshkin]

It reads, at first, like the simplest of poems, one with no art, but there's something about the very artlessness that grows more touching with each successive reading.

[Lyn05]

sangha and PrinceMyshkin, thank you for your comments!
sangha, I see what you mean by the unnecessary phrases, and I didn't realise that the poem was unbalanced.Thank you for pointing that out! I'm not too sure about what to do for the structure though..

[MorpheusSandman]

I love the idea and the metaphor is well developed but I would love to see this worked into a butterfly cinquain; the form is a tad sloppy as sangha pointed out.

[Lyn05]

Thank you for the suggestions! Here's the edited version, which is also my first attempt at a cinquain. Please feel free to criticise/comment.


Dear Butterfly

You have
Endured sharp words
Of your looks in childhood,
And spent your youth in solitude.
So why,
When your beauty has been unleashed,
Do you live to flaunt it
For only a
Fortnight?

[Bar22do]

Thank you for the suggestions! Here's the edited version, which is also my first attempt at a cinquain. Please feel free to criticise/comment.


Dear Butterfly

You have
Endured sharp words
Of your looks in childhood,
And spent your youth in solitude.
So why,
When your beauty has been unleashed,
Do you live to flaunt it
For only a
Fortnight?

Unfortunately, I am not an expert in form, but I like much better your revisited poem, as it is now. It reminds me (loosely) of my short piece on Pacific salmon in my thread "snatches", and, generally, makes me brood over (again and again) the unbearable insubstantiality of being... My only hesitation here would be about the word "solitude" - to me a very positive enriching state - did you have in mind "loneliness"?

[MorpheusSandman]

Yes, I vastly prefer the cinquain version as well. It has the benefit of being both more brief yet more rich because it suggests. The form, as I suspected, fits perfectly, with the "so why" dividing the piece in two and the diminishing lines of the 2nd half perfectly reinforce the idea of how the beauty itself is so brief. In fact, it's rather brilliant how the 8-syllable line of the second half even suggests it lasting much longer than it does.

Really excellent. I'm glad you took my suggestion. :)

[Lyn05]

Bar22do,MorpheusSandman, thank you for commenting!

And thank you MorpheusSandman for your wonderful suggestion. I'm glad it turned out well.:)

Bar22do, I was thinking of "loneliness", but I thought it might not have sounded as nice?