Les petite univers

[Alexander III]

Petite azure speck, glistening in unseen beauty,

[Buh4Bee]

Bravo, bravo, beautifully written!

Sometimes poems speak to us on such a personal level, as this one does, I'm sorry to say I don't have much constructive criticism.

[Bar22do]

This one was easier for me to read so that I could enjoy it entirely, from the first to the last word, effortlessly! Much as I can feel your being permeated with poetry in whatever you write, here in addition there is lightness as if all was set on a delicate lace canvas! Thank you so very much! and yes - bravo! great poem!

[blank|verse]

Not bad; an adapted Shakespearean sonnet with (loosely) hexametrical lines.

It's quite Keatsian with all the ornate language but I think you have to be careful they don't spoil the flow of the poem too much; don't be afraid of simple language to off-set the 'richer' words, or it can run the risk of being too sickly-sweet. This includes over-doing alliteration, ie.


A delicate dew drop drowses upon a singing rose,

(And changing 'upon' to just 'on' would improve the flow.)

Syntactically, it's a bit confusing; the first four lines are all subordinate clauses, until you get the finite verb 'beams' in line five (I think, but could be wrong). Whatever, that makes it difficult to read for me.

However, on the whole, it's a good attempt; sonnets aren't easy and there is some fine imagery in there. I enjoyed:


wild and mottled thunder

Wonderful.

[Alexander III]

Thank you all for the comments!

Blnk_vrz thank you for the suggestions, and yes I do enjoy the "ornate language" :)

[MorpheusSandman]

I may be biased (being a lover of the sonnet form and all) but I quite liked it. Beautiful language, very evocative, and a perfect example of using the sonnet form to aid the expression rather than hamper it. I can also support blnk vrz's excellent observations and suggestions. The thing about writing neo-classical poetry is that you have to be careful not to make it archaic instead of remote; there's a fine line, because remoteness can, in a piece like this, provide a kind of icy, distant beauty while if you cross into archaic territory it simply becomes trite; you flirt with this many times like with the "dew drops" line, but on the whole I think the piece works remarkably well.

[Alexander III]

Ciming from you I very much appreciate that Morpheus. (Dont want to sound like a sycophant) but your sonnet of the feather floating trough the river was one of my favorite if not my favorite poem, which I have read on this forum.

[MorpheusSandman]

Thanks immensely for the incredibly fine praise; I certainly work hardest on my sonnets so I'm extremely glad someone is enjoying them. As I read this piece again I like it even more. I especially love your use of hexametrical lines opposed to the classic pentameter of usual sonnets. I think in stretching the rhyme out it makes it less intrusive and really lets the words and lines breathe. It's a technique I might steal in the future. But, damn, that language is just beautiful; even more so than I initially thought.

[qimissung]

This is a very fine poem; I enjoyed it very much. It's so pretty, and I do mean that as a compliment. As Morpheus pointed out, you walk the line, but you manage to stay on it very well. You've handled all the elements very adroitly.

blnk vrz pointed out that the first four lines were subordinate clauses, which I kind of like. I have done things like that before. I realize it's like backing into a room, in a way, but as a writer one has to find ways to see and express things from other than the conventional, to shake things up as it were.

blnk vrz, you are to be commended for your excellent observations. You know more about meter than anyone should, by rights. If it's at all mathmatical, and all that counting is, then unfortunately I cannot partake. It is not for lack of desire. Fortunately I can compensate with rhythm, which I think I'm OK at, and Alexander, your poem sounds very good to my ears!

[cogs]

blnk's points were great (i think it's all the types of verbs, adverbs, and tenses; the ing's, es's, ed's, and singular's that need more parallelism). this poem is perceptive and mysterious, as well as panoramic and deep. in a way they are one, as they are mostly water. also, is there any other reference to apollo, other than the sun here?

[Alexander III]

Well cogs Apollo in context here is used as the sun, but also in his role of fine arts and beauty in a sense. As the poem explores the concept of how within one dew drop, there could lie a universe parallel to our own. Thus there is almost a fine and beautious art to the creation of that Universe; rendering the universe in the dew drop, and our own as a fine piece of art by the gods.

[Buh4Bee]

These themes that you describe, hit me very hard as for what I am experience in my own little universe. I am always a fan of Apollo, because he can be such a versatile character.


I again thank you for sharing this poem. I immensely enjoyed it.

[paperleaves]

I know this won't entirely make sense, but this reminds me entirely of the poetry in which I try to replicate and harbor, the poetry that runs rampant in my poetic soul, this is the song of the Siren, it is so alluring and heart-wrenching vicariously!

[Alexander III]

I feel obliged to thank you all for your opinions and comments on my petite work! :D