A Scene From Nature

[eric.bell]

Cattails whip and bend
And stir about as the wind
Does blow--!
--Across the bend
Of the streams that descend
Down cedar hills from whence they flow.

A leaf, both broad and brown,
Sails the length of an ever-twisting stream on down
To an hearthen dam below.
Like a pleasure ship cruising into Capetown,
It docks along the mudded ground--
And so, crowns it like a bow.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There is richness in this and vivid detail, but I think they get somewhat mangled in your insistence on making the lines rhyme.

[paperleaves]

Hello!
I love the alliteration in the second stanza--this poem doesn't feel forced, rather, like a rhythmic story you've chosen to exaggerate--beautifully, if I might add!



love
Kate

[sangha]

I loved it, and I feel that the rhyming actually adds to the rhythmic, fluid character of nature, your scene, and the poem, rather than mangling or distorting your words.

[blazeofglory]

Rhyming will work as long as it does not impede the flow or the way a poem takes and at times the poet forces himself into rhyming. Old poems are rhymed but there is a flow of beauty.

The poet is justifiable here as he has not deviated himself when he is obsessed with rhymes.

[MorpheusSandman]

There are things I love and really dislike about the piece. First, the good: The vivid, descriptive imagery and the musicality of the language from a phoenetic perspective. I love how you play with rhymes on the end and with delays and with line breaks and such. Yet the rhythm sometimes ruins the effect, such as the "pleasure ship" line which really destroys the rhythm in the second stanza. Some of the extreme alterations in meter doesn't work; like the long "sails the length" line which leads to a very short line.

Tidy it up and it will be a much better piece.