The Last Hush of Winter

[Dark Muse]

This is a style known as Renga. Traditionally it was a collaborative between many different poets, but can be written by a single person. It was from this form which the Haiku was derived.

The Last Hush of Winter

The songs of winter
have many different voices
soft murmur of wind

a brushstroke of grays and white
painting the brittle landscape

Listen to the birds
offer their own melody
gentle as the rain

sunlight hides behind the fog
in a chill early morning

The barren trees set
against the colorless sky
winter's last hushed breath.

[Dinkleberry2010]

I can see how the haiku was developed from this form.

The images you evoke in this poem are so delicate and evocative and distinct, and yet they are related and fit together. It sort of put me in mind of an impressionistic painting or "zen sketch."

The poem consists of distinct images or sounds, and yet they are unified and flow one into the other, and the poem is one.

[MorpheusSandman]

It's beautifully evocative like most all of yours, DM. Starting a renga thread in the Poetry Games forum might be an interesting idea...

[Dark Muse]

I can see how the haiku was developed from this form.

The images you evoke in this poem are so delicate and evocative and distinct, and yet they are related and fit together. It sort of put me in mind of an impressionistic painting or "zen sketch."

The poem consists of distinct images or sounds, and yet they are unified and flow one into the other, and the poem is one.

Thank you very much, your comments mean a great deal to me, becasue that is just the sort of thing which this style is all about, those are the very elements that make up a renga, so I am quite glad I was able to capture the essence of the form.

[Dark Muse]

It's beautifully evocative like most all of yours, DM. Starting a renga thread in the Poetry Games forum might be an interesting idea...

Thank you, and acutally the same thought came to me, I have thought that starting a thread for Renga could indeed be interesting, I will keep it in mind.

[free]

Nature is an unexhaustible source of inspiration for the poetry. Your poem is an unexhaustible source for dreaming and silent walks in the nature. One mouths into another, and one sprouts from another. I like it.

[blank|verse]

Yeah, that's nicely expressed; there's some wonderful imagery throughout. I particularly liked the metaphor of the sunlight hiding behind fog.

A couple of things could be smoothed out - in the first two lines, you say 'the songs [...] has', which should be either 'songs have' or 'song has' of course.

And because you set up this conceit about the 'songs of winter' I was surprised that the second stanza talks about 'brushstrokes' and paint, rather than continuing the music theme, before returning to the songs in the third stanza.

I don't think this would matter as much if you weren't trying to maintain a nice, relaxed, flowing tone - which otherwise is achieved very successfully.

The last line 'Winter's breath last hush' is ungrammatical and a bit jarring to read; you can sense how you struggled to find the words to fit the syllabic form here. 'Winter's last hushed breath'?

This is picky, but you're clearly a good writer, so I hope you take the comments in good faith. I just think you need to be aware of these things, and if you spot them yourself, don't be happy until the poem really works.

[tailor STATELY]

I'll have to take a closer look at this poetic form; I love the minimalistic qualities that can evoke so much in so few words.

I loved this imagery:

"Listen to the birds
offer their own melody
gentle as the rain"

The last line was trouble for me as well.
Maybe just a little re-arrange: Winter's last hush breath

A beautiful poem all together.

[Bar22do]

Your artful concision doubles the effectiveness of conveying such a broad range of hints and nuances in this last hush of the winter...

I tend to agree with blnk's suggestions for minor corrections.

Nice poem, thank you Dark...

[Buh4Bee]

DM, I think you received the best of feedback on the forum. My complaint with this piece is it seems more of a loose list of images than a tightly crafted poem.

[Dark Muse]

A couple of things could be smoothed out - in the first two lines, you say 'the songs [...] has', which should be either 'songs have' or 'song has' of course..

Oops, yes, you are right, I did make a slight gramatical error there. Thank you for pointing it out to me.


And because you set up this conceit about the 'songs of winter' I was surprised that the second stanza talks about 'brushstrokes' and paint, rather than continuing the music theme, before returning to the songs in the third stanza...

I acutally did that on purpose. I wanted to alternate between both the visuals of winter as well as the sounds, and used the couplets as sort of an echo behidn the poem if you will instead of just directly continuning from the next line.



The last line 'Winter's breath last hush' is ungrammatical and a bit jarring to read; you can sense how you struggled to find the words to fit the syllabic form here. 'Winter's last hushed breath'?.

I will consider this. Perhaps it does appear to be a bit awakard, and yet there is something about it that I personally like.

I thank you and everyone else for your comments.

[paperleaves]

Dark Muse-- "free" expressed it quite well...there is a beautiful talent that you possess...you are able to use Nature's "inexhaustible" inspirations and whether they are dark or light does not matter, because you relay their existence in such a delicate, honest manner and it captivates the reader in ways unimaginable. Thank you, again, for always showing us that, indeed, there is a movement and song in everything!

love
Kate

[Dark Muse]

Thank you very much