The Ordinary

[Susu J]

The day begins with a tired smile, 9am and ready to start
A lethargic exterior with an ambitious heart
A busy centre with a gushing crowd
Nobody cares and they are all too loud.

The stock is here we must unload
It’s only 10 o’clock and we’re still on the road
Dozens and dozens of boxes to scan
The air conditioner’s not working, not even a fan.

A constant ringing exists in my ear
A whinging manager that has nothing to fear
The boxes are heavy but that’s no excuse
I cannot complain since there is no use.

Millions and millions of boxes aligned
I think of my future, but it’s hard to find
Since all I can see are sizes and styles
My future is distant, so many long miles.

The skin on my hands is beginning to peel
But I must continue, no time to feel
Look and stare since time is money
How sad life is, and yet so funny.

The men’s department is the worst of all
The boxes are dangerous when they fall
The boots come in sizes that are just too great
And when they come crashing it’s all too late.

Bruises follow in all shapes and shades
And it will take weeks before one fades
I must be more cautious and take care
That’s what we were taught, so life is fair.

Though the days continue and still all the same
I feel rather weary of playing this game
Lunch hour is near and it is my turn
I sit in the back, as my stomach will churn.

The mirrors need cleaning and so I start
I see my reflection, a body with no heart
I spray the mirrors and wipe them clean
My reflection seems new, life is so mean.

A complaining customer is just too aggressive
You must succumb and let them be oppressive
That’s what we were taught, I’m following the rules
They’re all listed in the book with other useless tools.

Only an hour left and I am so thrilled
All of a sudden my body is filled
With so much energy, how can this be?
Now I feel so incredibly free.

I pull the doors down one by one
And help with the money and do the sum
I calculate the cash and write it down
The end is near, and there is no frown.

At 5 it seems that the sun is too high
The heat is rising and that is no lie
I get in the car and wait for green
Though I no longer care that life may be mean.

Driving straight with no turns at all
I am only driving up, I can never fall
I am content because I am almost at home
Where the angels wait, for I’m never alone.

[MorpheusSandman]

I must say I loved this piece from a conceptual standpoint. I love how thoroughly you take the reader on a journey through every other day while including the ups and downs, the humor and the pain, small moments and big moments with small moments seeming like big moments and larger ones underplayed. It's just such a dynamic piece with a universal, down home, every man feel to it shorn of all pretension.

However there is much to be improved on from a technical standpoint. While I so often recommend new poets to avoid end rhymes and couplets because they often needlessly complicate and suffocate inspiration and force a poet to try and fit a line into a Procrustean trap that doesn't want to work. But here I think end rhymes were the right choice because it gives an otherwise dry piece a musicality and rhythm that's a nice contrast to the "everyday" aspect and paradoxically the couplets create a certain monotony which echoes that of everyday life.

But when you do use end rhymes, and here's the technical advice, you have to bee acutely aware of METER. This poem is primarily in tetrameter with altering iambs, trochees, and occasional dactyls and anapests. I've used this meter myself (which I don't think has a name, but I call it "natural tetrameter") for the pieces I've written in couplets but what you have to be ultra aware of is the play between each couplet. Because the meter isn't "fixed" you have to make sure the rhythm remains regular and natural in how it flows. Some examples of where it works and doesn't (/ = stressed syllable, - = unstressed):

Dozens and dozens of boxes to scan
/--/--/--/

This is a line of 3 dactyls with a stressed ending, which is fine but it clashes with the next line:

The air conditioner’s not working, not even a fan
-/-/--//--/--/

Whose rhythm is just wonky. It could be fixed with:

The ACs not working, not even a fan
-/--/--/--/

which is nearly identical to the line before it except for the added unstressed beat of "the" which doesn't hurt the rhythm.

If you do the same thing to every couplet in your poem you can see where the clashes arise naturally. It's not that every couplet has to be in the same meter but when you alter the meter it still must have a good feel rhythmically and not be incredible jagged. Here's an example from one of my pieces:

In the waning surge of midnight miles
Where the blood moon weeps and the child smiles

First line: --/-/-/-/
Second: --///--//

Even though the second line has a different meter all it does is create a "delay" in the rhyme without ruining the rhythm; it's a bit difficult to explain why but it has to do with the fact that the 3 straight stresses syllables creates a natural break and then the next two unstressed syllables lead to the final two words which echo the rhyme above not just in rhyme but in how they're all one syllable words that have a certain bi-moraic quality to them (miles, child, smiles) so it's a bit more like the rhyme is coming "on beat" even if it's technically not.

OK, this was probably a bad example since it's a bit complicated but it reinforces why I usually recommend new poets avoiding end rhymes. If you're not going to stick to a strict meter you really have to understand and know how to control rhythm in terms of what works and what doesn't.

Thus endeth Morpheus's poetry lesson for the day. :)

[blank|verse]

That's some very good advice, Morpheus.

I was reminded of the wonderful 'Slough' (pron. to rhyme with 'cow' not 'rough' - a boring, commuter town outside London) by former British Poet Laureate John Betjeman:

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough
It isn't fit for humans now,
There isn't grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, death.

Listen to how effective that last line is, cut off mid-

(Ho, ho.) I think a similar form would work very well with your poem. Take the first stanza for example:

The day begins with a tired smile, 9am and ready to start
A lethargic exterior with an ambitious heart
A busy centre with a gushing crowd.
Nobody cares.

See how much more stress it places on the fact 'nobody cares'. And it also says that you don't care, because you can't be bothered to finish the sentence; therefore reinforces through the form of the poem what you're expressing with the language. Clever, eh? (I read that in a book somewhere.)

It works even better here because of that overly-long first line, which is in fact, two lines in one.

[Susu J]

Thanks for the effective feedback, I highly appreciate it!!

[paperleaves]

I love poems about the workplace, they're always the most revealing to read!
Thanks for sharing!


love
Kate

[MorpheusSandman]

That was a fine post yourself blnk vrz and shows how this poem could work even without the couplet format.


Take the first stanza for example:

The day begins with a tired smile, 9am and ready to start
A lethargic exterior with an ambitious heart
A busy centre with a gushing crowd.
Nobody cares.It might be even more effective if "9am and ready to start" was moved to its own line because then you have 4 straight lines of tetrameter combined with the dimeter line of "Nobody cares" which has an even greater effect since 4 straight lines of any meter will create a continued expectation which can be exploited in ways like this.