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nightshifft
01-17-2010, 01:05 AM
The two of you



When we met I learned all I could about you.
What you liked what you loved
All the secrets in your head.
What made you laugh what made you smile.
What made you cry

And what upset you and made you sad and blue.
I learned your hidden fantasies and desires
That you wanted to come true
I earned your trust and respected you
This was the you that I knew.

Then when you left my world became askew.
Through some strange split there became
The two of you.

The you that was then and the you that is now
The you that is now passes with a smile a closed how are you
And a hope you are well.

The you that is now seems like a stranger somehow
Even though I have known her just as long as I do you.

Then there's the you that was then the you that
said I love you the you that smiled and laughed as we went wild
The you that I knew would always be there.
The you that is living in my memories
And seems more real somehow than the you that is now.

And just as I said the you that was then is tucked safely up under my
chin living where memories begin
and karma spins with
dreams of putting the two of you together again



dark






you didn't title this one but its so heartfelt. My heart always
aches when I think of you alone at such a young age

I will call it Mothers Day in
honor
of you


mothers day

What I would not give to have one single mothers
day back A day to say
all those things I meant to say
all the things I would want to do to share
to give and the things id take back if only I could
one single day to set things right
what terrible things did I do to this special lady
to ask for this day you wonder
my crime is of the highest offence
I in my ignorance of youth took her for granted
I always knew there would be time to make it up
to spend a day to be there for her
to do the small things she wanted to do
she only asked a small thing
to spend time with me to be my friend
then suddenly there was no more time
it had slipped through my fingers like so much sand
My mother was gone
I was forced to become a man
and live out my sentence for my crime
please mother forgive a ignorant man

dark

MorpheusSandman
01-17-2010, 08:06 PM
I've said it before but I just love how much your pieces just seethe with intimate passion. It's as if I'm getting some kind of super intimate look at your life and thoughts; as if you've turned a diary or journal into poems. If it's all just "art"(ifice) then I think I'd commend you all the more. I still think you need to work on technique. With every line you write, think about SEX (Simplify, EXclude). Try to remove as many words and lines as possible. Try to realize when you've overused repetition or a single idea or a line has gone on too long, etc. I know you've said you write poems for yourself but part of pleasing yourself is getting better at your craft.