As detrimental as a dog

[AtomicCafe1]

As detrimental as a dog
as damned as a dog,
gnashing teeth—
one ear
one leg
missing.

But then,
as doggerel as a dog!
As daring, and dainty
as a dandelion of a dog,
a
daisy of a dog!

And even a dog that can’t bark.

But overall,

As damaged as a dog.
As damaged as a dog.

As depressed as a dying dog.

[hack]

Dude,
I like your dogged determination,
and the way the piece devolves into the
destitute depths of despair!

[AtomicCafe1]

Dude,
I like your dogged determination,
and the way the piece devolves into the
destitute depths of despair!

you could have just said it sucked...

[hack]

Dog,
If I thought it sucked
I would have said
nothing. If I thought
I could improve it with
a comment, I would have
said so. I enjoyed it, but
what do I know?

[kafkaroach]

I actually kinda dug it, Atomic. There is certain driving rythm to it, though I don't know if I could identify it (perhaps the alliteration, but I wouldn't know), but it is there and it courses through the piece, much like a river snaking its way through the mountains, changing its flow in accordance with it's surroundings, which I think is pretty beautiful. And I do thinkwhat Hack was trying to say, though I would not wish to represent his views if I represent them in an awful manner, was that he liked the way your poem ends with a sombre, depressing, despairing tone in the end. All in all, keep it up, you got some good stuff going.

[AtomicCafe1]

I actually kinda dug it, Atomic. There is certain driving rythm to it, though I don't know if I could identify it (perhaps the alliteration, but I wouldn't know), but it is there and it courses through the piece, much like a river snaking its way through the mountains, changing its flow in accordance with it's surroundings, which I think is pretty beautiful. And I do thinkwhat Hack was trying to say, though I would not wish to represent his views if I represent them in an awful manner, was that he liked the way your poem ends with a sombre, depressing, despairing tone in the end. All in all, keep it up, you got some good stuff going.

Thanks a bunch! It's just the first thing I've written in SUCH a long time and I wanted it to be good; and it not being good, you know, would yield me disappointment.

The way I typed it up, I had a lot of indentation which I thought worked a lot better. It wouldn't let me do that though

[AtomicCafe1]

Dog,
If I thought it sucked
I would have said
nothing. If I thought
I could improve it with
a comment, I would have
said so. I enjoyed it, but
what do I know?

Well thanks for reading and commenting! I just thought I had detected sarcasm and travesty in your post..

[hack]

I liked it. Somebody else here may not,
they might even tell you why. Constructive
criticism is a good thing. Any criticism is only
an opinion, do with it what you choose. This is
not a "no sarcasm zone", but if you detected
any put down of your piece from me it was
far from what I intended.

[tailor STATELY]

I enjoyed your poem; I am not a fan of dogs. I have a dog, actually my wife has a dog, that has been a bane on my quality of life since it moved in.

Puppies

Puppies are another matter
enjoy them till they're old enough
and bothersome then deep fry
them in a batter. (just kidding folks)

© tailor STATELY 1-16-2010

re: sarcasm and travesty; it happens. Beware you enter the lair if sensitive sensibilities you bare: re: negative, or perceived negative criticism [this happens too] (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21394)

I look forward to reading, and commenting on, more of your work.

[Buh4Bee]

It's a fun poem. I liked it.

[MorpheusSandman]

I quite liked this one but I love extended metaphors, wordplay, and aliteration. I might have suggested sacrificing some (not all) of the alliteration in exchange for an even longer piece that developed the piece showing all kinds of different sides to the dog metaphor; perhaps it's that those last lines seem to hit a bit quickly.

[paperleaves]

how fun!
:)


love,
Kate

[AtomicCafe1]

Thanks all for reading and commenting! Makes me smile (whether it's compliments or criticism!)


the bum that prowls
the slum avenue
discovers a one dollar bill.

the boy that sits
in neighborhood parks
stumbles across a twenty—

crisp and clean.

he puts it in
his pocket.

[AtomicCafe1]

Truthfully,
as I swish some sort of
liquid in my mouth

(looking at myself in the mirror)

it’s greater than
the whole of hurricanes
and storms on the sea

combined.

More waves, more wind,
so much more

turbulence.

[Bar22do]

Thanks all for reading and commenting! Makes me smile (whether it's compliments or criticism!)


the bum that prowls
the slum avenue
discovers a one dollar bill.

the boy that sits
in neighborhood parks
stumbles across a twenty—

crisp and clean.

he puts it in
his pocket.

Aren't some lucky!

[Bar22do]

Truthfully,
as I swish some sort of
liquid in my mouth

(looking at myself in the mirror)

it’s greater than
the whole of hurricanes
and storms on the sea

combined.

More waves, more wind,
so much more

turbulence.

I drew a deep shuddering breath to face this turbulence!

(my poor skills for criticizm do not go further than to state that your little poems are very effective! Thanks a lot!)

[AtomicCafe1]

Another batch....



Sometimes
I stare up at the stars,
and all I think about

is sleep.

---

Tomorrow, I want to
wear the wind
as clothing.
I want
the breeze as breeches,
the air to touch my shoulders
as only silk would.

----

Tears; cry too.
A person cries,
tears sob. Still—
a person doesn’t
cry (but needs to)—
tears, they wail;
rhythmic echoes
through the cold
streets.

[AtomicCafe1]

A Fear of a Pebble
Is it quiet enough
for you?
he said
as we both gazed out
at the cemetery
before us:
the graves
the cold the gray
the with-
ering.

But I didn't
say anything
instead
I picked up a
pebble
and stared at the
ground
before me.

[Hawkman]

Another batch....

Tomorrow, I want to
wear the wind
as clothing.
I want
the breeze as breeches,
the air to touch my shoulders
as only silk would.



Outstanding.

The first sentance expresses a sublime thought, the joy of life; delightful.
but I would lose, 'the breeze as breeches' - only a subjective opinion but for me the alliteration is out of kilter with the piece as a whole. For me it flows better without it. Alternatively, how about:

I want
the breeze to touch my shoulders
as only silk would.'

As I was taught, the art of editing is being prepared to kill your babies.

Regardless of my personal preference it's still good. Keep it up, I look forward to reading more of your work.

[AtomicCafe1]

Outstanding.

The first sentance expresses a sublime thought, the joy of life; delightful.
but I would lose, 'the breeze as breeches' - only a subjective opinion but for me the alliteration is out of kilter with the piece as a whole. For me it flows better without it. Alternatively, how about:

I want
the breeze to touch my shoulders
as only silk would.'

As I was taught, the art of editing is being prepared to kill your babies.

Regardless of my personal preference it's still good. Keep it up, I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks for the kind words!! I do agree with you. The breeze as breeches with the comma after it makes an unnecessary pause, and makes it unwieldy. I just don't know if "the breeze to touch.." if "breeze" fits. Maybe air does.

[NisreenS]

It is a good poem about despair. I liked it. Thank you and go on.