Explode

[kafkaroach]

First post ever on any sort of forum.
Some thoughts on the piece:
Dialogue's pretty godawful
Don't think japanese lads in the 40s spoke like this
Only part I'm proud of is the last two paragraphs. Everthing else ranges from crap to really bad crap.

But onwards ho. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


Explode

“I knew you’d come”
Silence. Faint buzz of rotors tearing at the sky.
“Well I guess you can’t hear me yet, with those big metal doors still closed.”
A package drops, above and below.
“Well now that you’re out and about, I’ve got to say, totally dig the ride. Real futuristic, that metallic behemoth of yours. Hell, I bet soon enough we’ll be seeing them hovering all over the world. Maybe my friends in America might be able to meet one your cousins one day, hmm?”
High-pitch screech cuts through the air. Dull screams writhe in the terror. Wooden clogs beat against the earth, scattering.
“Huh, I guess everyone’s coming out to greet you. Didn’t know you were quite the celebrity. But it must be a lonely life and all. Just you and your thoughts, you and your thoughts. ”
Whistle shoots out, melancholic, in affirmative. Clothes flutter in the rush, as they all run, a tsunami surging, rising, until it comes crashing down, diverging away in fear.
“Hmm, they go as fast as they come. Must be some sort of festival, or marriage, or something they got to attend, right? Well, I hope you don’t mind if I just stay here. Just feel like shooting the bull for a while.”
A moan carries through, blanketing the world in its hollowness. Empty noise leaves the sky pregnant with tension.
“Sometimes I feel awful. Just awful. Downright crummy if you know what I mean. I feel so controlled, so limited, like something’s pressing down on me, these huge manacles that just chain me down, weigh me down. And they don’t let me move or breathe or nothing. I’m just restricted. And I can’t stand it, god I can’t stand it I’m telling you! It’s a horrible feeling, to be suffocated. I just want to break out or fly away or explode. Explode… Yeah, that’s what I want to do. To explode.”
Wail lets loose, longing, groping, filling the gap between here and there. Slippers pitter patter lightly in the background.
“It’s just, just, it’s just that I feel lonely. God, I feel so lonely. And I don’t think it’s got anything to do with my family or friends or acquaintances; I’m just nothing. I’m lost, I’m empty, I’m hollow, I’m nothing, nothing goddammit! But you, you, understand, you know this kind feeling, right? When I see you, I think I see me. Almost as if, as if –
“- Ichiro!” pause between sobs “Ichiro! Get away from there! ICHIRO! -”
“Oh that’s just my mother. She’s not too bad of person; she cooks, she cleans, she works, she spends time with the family. Hell, she even helps me with my times tables and my kanji. But I don’t love her. Or at least, I can’t. I mean, I how can you love someone else, when you can’t even love yourself? It’s just that -
“- Ichiro! What are you doing? Stop just staring at that, that, thing! Come on, we might still make it out! We still have a chance, but you have to stop staring, at it! - “
“God this is embarrassing. Please excuse her would you. I guess she’s just tired or something. She does put in a lot of work in for the household. I wonder if there’s a time when you don’t feel tired at all.”
A scream carries across the sky, wandering and wondering all at once. Futile shrieks claw desperately to reach.
“And what about you? What do you want to do, you know, to release all those chains?
A yell charges the sky, running, running, as if something’s coming.
“Are you content to just be as you are?”
A shout strikes, defiant indignation welling up. The lady runs to grab the little boy, to drag him away. But he resists, standing resolutely.
“Listen I got an idea”
A howl resonates, buzzing.
“Why don’t we explode?”
The howl turns into a bellow, rumblings break through the air.
“Yah, let’s explode.”
Roar, the bellow has transfigured into a roar, rushing, cascading, blinding noise, pushing downwards, tremors run across, anticipation building, thundering, and it roars:


I SHALL BE FREE

[giventofly]

Would love to give you some thoughts on this, but honestly I only have one... total confusion. I did just get back from the bar, so maybe I'll try reading it again later. Seems kind of disjointed though. Seems to read more like a script rather than a story. Is that what you were attempting?

[kafkaroach]

It was supposed to be about a child talking to the atomic bomb that fell on Hiroshima (or Nagaskai since I never specified). Hence the the Japanese name, the clogs beating on the ground, and presenting the people running away as a "tsunami". I tired to indirectly show it as a bomb through the sounds of the carrier plane and the sounds the projectile creates as it flies through the air. Of course I was hoping the word explode might give a hint or two. I was attempting to create a short story, though I guess its more like flash fiction, that shows death as the ultimate freedom, and that death is feared grandly by society. I kinda wanted a child to be my protagonist, to have someone untouched by society, or at least only slightly touched, someone pure yet naive, so naive that he talks to falling bomb. The whole story is pretty much an exchange between the boy and the sounds of the bomb piercing the sky. I tried to make it as ambiguous as possible to kinda create more of a punch at the end as well as denote the ambiguity of death. I do see what you mean when you said it feels really disjointed, but that's the feeling I wanted to give with my syntax, quick yet empty, staccoto sentences.

But thank you for your thoughts, even if their drunken thoughts. I'd like think that all comments hold at least some truth to them.

[Buh4Bee]

I tried to read it, but couldn't follow it, so I gave up. If disjointed is the word to describe this, than I guess that is a nicer way of saying what I originally thought. Now that you have explained your writing process, I have more patience for the attempt. The idea of flash fiction sounds cool and I'm always a sucker for death representing ultimate free. Sorry I still can't read it though, I'm temporarily handicapped and can't concentrate.

[Steven Hunley]

Your problems start at the second sentence. The word rotors implies helicopters to modern readers. Airplanes have propellers. Then, you accept the fact that on a whole, the dialogue is god awful, and that the majority of the piece ranges from crap to really bad crap. Yet you post it for the world to see. Perhaps you feel we'll like it, that we'll like something you yourself don't like. What's up with that? You can research how Japanese kids talked in the 40's. You could research the effects of the bomb, to get a visual impression, to use in your description. Not doing your homework is one thing, putting your personal "god-awful bad crap" online for the world to see is another. Go back to square one and try again.

[Buh4Bee]

KR- just know that overall, people want to critique something. They want to see you do well. Maybe you tweak this and repost or just scrape it and post something better. I've had many piece either panned or totally ignored.

Cheers!