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Humble_Wolf
01-13-2010, 01:56 PM
Her pale white eyes shine like diamonds in the moonlight.

She was never fond of these walks we took, and tonight was no different. We walked around the small lake in the moonlight. The tall red wood trees lurched over us like staggering giants and the cool air wisped through the night. The air was crisp and wonderful.

I squeezed her hand as we walked, she didn’t squeeze back. She wasn’t happy and wanted me to know it.

“What’s the matter love?” I asked her with no response. “Please don’t be sore with me, these walks in the fresh air are good for us.” I said optimistically, she didn’t say anything, she just held the same emotionless expression she always wore. What the hell happened to us?

It was only just a couple weeks prior to this night that I started to realize we weren’t right for each other. We had been incredibly distant from each other lately and she seemed to have no interest in me at all. We never argued or anything like that, we just, fell out of love I suppose. Now I think she refuses to acknowledge my existence out of spite, god only knows what I did this time.

“You look lovely tonight my dear. Your eyes shine like diamonds in the moonlight.” She said nothing just stared.

I mean at least I was trying right? She didn’t give any more of **** about me than she did these stupid walks. I wish she would just come out and say it. I am tired of feeling like this.

Her pale white skin was so soft and gorgeous and her complexion was perfect. Her curves were sheer beauty. She was, for lack of a word, perfect.

The water lay flat like glass reflecting the moon. It was truly beautiful just like she was; I only wished she knew how much I still loved her. A thought occurred and just then I stopped walking.

“Why won’t you just tell me?” I asked.

She said nothing; her eyes glistening in the moonlight.

“Just tell me please, what did I do?” I was pleading with her. “Answer me!” I was actually starting to get loud with her. I surprised myself.

My attempts at a response were useless, she still said nothing. I realized then that yelling at someone who hasn’t acknowledged your existence in months wouldn’t make for a very good argument anyway. In short, it wasn’t worth it. She didn’t care anyway.

“Fine.” I said and started walking again.

I pulled her along my hand gripped tightly around hers. I didn’t care if it hurt her. It didn’t seem to and if it did she didn’t say anything about. No surprise.

We walked on for a while before we finally reached our favorite spot on the trail. It was a small clearing that had an opening that glanced into the dark forest; you could just make out the bright white light of where the moon dancing through the trees. The wind blew and the trees swayed, it was a symphony of sounds and lights. It was here that she and I shared our most beautiful moment together.

“Remember when we first discovered this spot love?” I asked with a slight smile. I knew she had to remember this place.

“Remember when you swore you’d love me forever?” I asked again. “It was right here.” Tears started to well up in my eyes.

She said nothing and showed me no emotion, what a surprise. I mean how could she though? Was I really that surprised? She had been dead for seven hours and was completely devoid of life in any sense of the word.

“I will never forget tonight love.” I said while the tears rolled down my cheeks as I shoveled the dirt over her body.

I had taken the liberty of digging that hole about eight hours ago when I got home. You see she didn’t know I had arrived home yet and neither did he. I still remember seeing them in the bed together. I simply collected myself and went out to our favorite spot where no one would find me and started digging this hole.

I laughed through my tears; I was burying the thing I loved most. I was burying my most cherished memories.

I still remember the look on his face as I walked through the door with axe in my hand. She had handcuffed him to the bed and at that moment I knew I was going to savor every bit of what was about to happen. I drove the weapon into his forehead like a lumberjack splitting wood. It made the most vicious satisfying sound I have ever heard, a sound that I could never describe to another human being. I smiled as his blood stained our white linens sheets. His body thrashed and convulsed before going limp. I smiled again.

I still remember the look of sheer terror in his eyes. A grin spread over my face.

I still remember her hiding in the corner of the room, weeping like a baby and huddled up in the fetal position shaking.

“What’s the matter darling?” I asked her in a soothing tone as if nothing was wrong.

She said nothing and continued sobbing uncontrollably.

“Look at me.” I said calmly still holding the axe. “Look at me!”

I was wearing my Alfani suit holding an axe covered in blood that was not my own. What the hell just happened I thought? I knew there was no going back now. My life over just as much as the gentlemen lying in my bed, I just looked better.

I walked over to her. What the hell was I doing? I loved this woman so much before today, but evidently she didn’t love me… at least not anymore.

I wrapped my hands around her neck and I didn’t let go. My knuckles white with the pressure being applied. She looked right at me the whole time I asphyxiated her. Her eyes looked at mine and seemed to say, “I’m so sorry.” I didn’t think she deserved it but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop myself. After a few minutes I felt her body go limp in my arms and I started to cry. I held her there for about two hours rocking her back and forth, kissing her soft lips and whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

I don’t know where to go from here. I looked down at her, she was half buried. I could bring myself to cover her completely; I had already destroyed so much. I pulled out my revolver and loaded one round into; I cocked the hammer of the two stage action and pulled the trigger.

As I slipped into darkness the last thing I saw was her face, she was so beautiful, she was smiling at me the way only she could; she was the only woman who had eyes like diamonds. I smiled then I faded away.

Dinkleberry2010
01-13-2010, 03:52 PM
This story is confusing. First you have the guy walking with the woman; then you switch to the fact that she is dead; then you go back to when you killed the man and the woman; finally you kill yourself. It is simply all confused.

giventofly
01-14-2010, 10:58 PM
I think your concept here is good, but the excecution (no pun intended) is lacking. Aside from the technical errors (please review how to write dialogue, and how to use tags like he said or she said. The way you have it is incorrect and distracting), your story lacks concision. Some of your descriptions are a little cliched and repetitive. the real "surprise" of this story comes with the reader thinking that she is alive at first, then learning that she is not. but you spring the surprise too soon. It's smack dab in the middle of the story, which makes the rest of it anti-climatic. It could definately be made into a much stronger story if you did some revisions. Think about what you're trying to accomplish and re-read your story. Ask yourself: Is this line necessary? Is it as powerful as it could be? Is it truly important to the story, or is it acting more as "filler?" If it were me (and this is only my opinion), I would omit the entire section describing the murder and focus more on the first half of the story... ending it with the realization that she is dead, you are burrying her and that is why she is not responding. Like I said, your concept for the story is good, you just don't quite pull it off as is.