a poem of mgk

[MGK]

slowly, curls the smoke on her face
as her golden eyes stare into space
the streetlights see but dont believe
as we stand above in ignorant reprieve

the eyes flicker and dance in her grasp
as my hands undo, unbidden, her clasp
to see but not be perceived is our goal
as the madness rises over the whole

only the hands of man bid it rise
and the darkest of blues tinges the skies.
we languish still, of thought unclear
as daylight brings that what we fear.

The barrier of ratio which holds all else
only to us its truest form tells.
so we, the select, are now and then,
the caveman calls, the games begin.

this was written on the fly, no corrections. i only had the first two lines of the last stanza in my head when i sat down at my computer. this poem is inspired by the pieces i've been writing lately.

comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated!

[MorpheusSandman]

I really love it but pieces like this really tickle my own preferences in terms of poetic aesthetics. I read it a second time and enjoyed/admired it even more. It's very neo-classical with the structure, rhymes, some of the diction, but I'm truly impressed by how effortlessly you seem to pull it off and how none of it seems forced. I think this is a perfect example of how you can use form, structure, and wordplay to really create a rhythm and a phonetic sense of what you're saying in place of saying too much. I especially love the motif of "seeing" in the first two stanzas and the various inner rhymes you use.

My only correction: I think it should be "and the darkest of blues tinge the sky" instead of "tinges".

[MGK]

ah, thanks for your comment morpheuss.! as to your suggestion, please note that its not "sky", but "skies". you picked out quite a lot of what i'm bringing across, good on you! thanks for taking the time to read :D

[MorpheusSandman]

It's been a long time since I've taken English but IIRC the plurality of the verb is determined by the preceding subject which would be "blues" but it's modified by the "darkest of" part so I'm a bit confused as to whether it would be considered singular or plural. If it's the former then "tinges" is correct, if it's the latter then "tinge" would be correct.

Bleh, I probably look like an idiot trying to remember this stuff so I'll leave it for someone else.

[MGK]

well, i havn't a clue :D i'll just claim it as artistic license, it sounds better as "tinges" for me.

[hack]

Thanx for the poem
I like it very much.
auf Wiedersehen
Hack

[nightshifft]

yes i like this thank you for shareing
dark

[blank|verse]

Yeah, that's nicely expressed.

I think it would be improved if you dropped, or made less obvious the rhyming couplets (by using half-rhymes for example). Because what you're expressing is an intimate moment, where your feelings would perhaps not be easily controlled, I would like that reflected in the form of the poem as well as the content, if you see what i mean? And enjambment, where the sentences spill over to the next line, rather than 'end-stopping' would be good as well.

Also, try and keep the syntax correct. Eg. why say 'slowly, curls the smoke on her face' when 'slowly, the smoke curls on her face' is correct? All the obviously 'poetic' bits like this actually stick out too much and distract me from the tender emotion you're trying to express.

Sorry if that's all a bit critical. I don't know if English is your first language, but this is a good effort either way.

Oh, and you're right to say 'tinges' because 'the darkest' is singular.

[cogs]

i loved that i had to reread this to grasp the full meaning. i enjoyed it much... there are parts that you could let the reader have more information (if you so choose). if this were mine, i'd name it expose'.

[MorpheusSandman]

Also, try and keep the syntax correct. Eg. why say 'slowly, curls the smoke on her face' when 'slowly, the smoke curls on her face' is correct? All the obviously 'poetic' bits like this actually stick out too much and distract me from the tender emotion you're trying to express.The idea of using poetic or unnatural syntax is a subject I've given some thought to in terms of what it offers and detracts from a piece and situations where it should and shouldn't be used in. While they do "stick out" I also think they tend to provide a remoteness which may serve to enhance a piece. But I'm not someone who demands absolute naturalness in the arts, ever (though I'm not against it either).

In this case, I think the rhythm of "slowly curls the smoke on her face" has a more pleasing rhythm than "slowly the smoke curls on her face" and I'll provide my own prolix analysis as to why:

The image is one of a kind of soft, wistfulness. In terms of meter it's the unstresses syllables that reinforce soft themes and I think this is especially true in the form of trochees because the ends of meters linger longer than the opening (it's why end rhymes are so popular, afterall.) So:

Slowly curls the smoke on her face
=
/-/-/--/

Three trochees and an iamb give a more wisftul, soft rhythm to the line opposed to

Slowly the smoke curls on her face
=
/--//--/

which is a more forceful rhythm especially with the central spondee.

I think this is an instance where unnatural syntax is defensible for purely poetic/metrical/linguistic reasons.


you're right to say 'tinges' because 'the darkest' is singular.The more I think about this the more I'm not sure that's the case:

The darkest colors tinge = would be correct
The darkest color tinges = would be correct

In both of these instances "color(s)" is the subject that determines the verb with "darkest" being an adjective

The darkest of blues tinges
The darkest of blue tinges

Does the "of" turn "darkest" into the noun as opposed to being the adjective of the color?

[OrphanPip]

"The darkest of blues" is singular, the plural would be "the darkest blues". The "of" implies that it is the darkest blue, instead of a group of dark blues. So, it would be "tinges". At least that's my impression.