A short poem

[PrinceMyshkin]

I found this quiet spot in my mind:
unrented, unoccupied, unused.
I tip-toed round it awhile and then
I entered in.

[ampoule]

Now let me know how you furnished it.


Very nice.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Now let me know how you furnished it.

By writing this poemlet! Seriously, I thought of attaching a footnote citing it as a collaborative poem.

[firefangled]

As for me, you are most profound when you take these apparently simple personal acts and state simply their unfathomable complexity.

The fourth line seems to need the rhythm it has, so I am torn about the word "in." Where else does one enter but in?

Regardless, it is a fine poem.

[MorpheusSandman]

Mmmm, I love the understated simplicity. I don't think there's any poet on this site that's more adept at slicing off a small piece of life that we all experience but never really notice.

[PrinceMyshkin]

As for me, you are most profound when you take these apparently simple personal acts and state simply their unfathomable complexity.

The fourth line seems to need the rhythm it has, so I am torn about the word "in." Where else does one enter but in?


The short answer is as you conjecture at the beginning of your second paragraph. Instinctively, I felt that the line needed that 4th beat, but then I saw as a bonus that it created a teasing rhyme with "then."

After the fact and in view of your point, I might make the following defense:

1) the emphatic "in" makes for a contrast with "tiptoe" in the preceding line.

2) There is a qualitative difference between "enter" and "enter in," the latter, to me, implies a more deliberate commitment and a being swallowed up, hence it might justify the anti-climax: whatever happens once he enters in is absorbed into the silence.

[Father]

Excellent and powerfully distilled.
Bravo!