My poem...Please read!!

[JackieGinger]

I'm a beginner so I really need your honest opinion on my poem!
Be honest and unmerciful!

Life - in a Round, Womanly Glass

Half a glass of clear, red wine
its pacific surface mirrors millions of different things
from each angle one dares to try.
So dare on, my friend
but take care
you might just see
the half-full glass...empty.
So start some waves
drink up
if so, more wondrous things will be revealed!


P.S.: Further on I've posted some new poems...so read on! ;)

[PrinceMyshkin]

The only critique I might make is that this read like a wonderful wind-up to what turned out to be a short, somewhat enigmatic poem, somewhat as if you cleared your throat then decided not to speak after all. But that clearing of your throat had confidence in it, and a beautiful command of where to break your lines.

[JackieGinger]

I think that having multiple meanings is real poetry, so thank you, I'll take it as a compliment!:) Can I? Do you feel it to be incomplete? Or the sort, think you got what I mean.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I think that having multiple meanings is real poetry, so thank you, I'll take it as a compliment!:) Can I? Do you feel it to be incomplete? Or the sort, think you got what I mean.

You may indeed take my response as a compliment. If you look at some of my own poems you might find that some of them feel incomplete or enigmatic. I prefer to omit as much as I can that might be explanatory or insistent, and once wrote



After the poem
comes the verbiage,
the slow leaking away
of inspiration,
the plea, as ever,
unanswered,
incomplete.

[JackieGinger]

hum...I had to check what verbiage means, my English is not that good. It needs much of improving, that is one of the reasons I have joined the forum ;)
I agree with you, I just love poems that are concise and mysterious. Um, where can I take a look at Your poems? (Sorry, new around here:blush:)

[JackieGinger]

Found one!:D

[PrinceMyshkin]

hum...I had to check what verbiage means, my English is not that good. It needs much of improving, that is one of the reasons I have joined the forum ;)
I agree with you, I just love poems that are concise and mysterious. Um, where can I take a look at Your poems? (Sorry, new around here:blush:)

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/search.php?searchid=1220505

[Buh4Bee]

JG- Have confidence and post the poem. There are many people who will give you good advice and many people who will tell you they like it. But it is up to you to decide how to edit your poem, since you wrote it.

[JackieGinger]

Thanks Jersea! I wish you had told me your opinion! But maybe in the future! ;)
Oh, and people you MAY bring suggestions and ideas! I would be most glad to read them!

[Dinkleberry2010]

JackieGinger, I'll start out by giving you a really general statement (it may be the most general statement one can make about a poem--but what the heck, I'm going to say it anyway): I really like your poem. There, I said it. With that said, let me say this: The images in your poem are so clear and distinct and succinct--it's like I could actually see the glass, you know, and I could picture the wine in it. I don't think there is anything that needs to be added or deleted in this poem. It is fine just the way it is. Don't add a word to it or take one out.

[JackieGinger]

I was in fact curious whether the poem is good meaning that umm, can you see that it comes from a person that read far less than she should, so (I don't really know how could I explain this) when you read it aren't you thinking that this is good, say for a pupil from elementary school...? Do you get what I mean?

[Pendragon]

Think of it this way, JackieG. If your poem was not a little masterpiece in and of itself, you would hardly have the amazing number of hits you are currently enjoying. The poem easily stands on its own and that is true poetry! Encore! Encore!

[JackieGinger]

Thanks a lot, Pendragon!
I have a new poem, but I'm not sure I'll post it, I'm not sure it's worth being posted.
Aaa, but who knows, maybe I'll convince myself....

[Alexander III]

I insist that you post it !

[JackieGinger]

Alright then...
But consider that it is not as good...and that I am a beginner and also it was written in the solitary moment of utter despair!

Do I?

I don't deserve the music
nor a full-time lover.
I don't deserve the beauty
which derives from harmony.
I don't deserve to know
what real devotion means.

I don't deserve to see
the music in the colors.
I don't deserve to discern
the sparkle of the eye.
I don't deserve to feel the thrills
in the depth of a heartfelt
black and green...

...and the reason just now have I realized:
the rule is that the fittest survives
the fittest being the oldest
and that, which awakens the more pity
in the shammer called heart!

[Father]

@Jackie - This is enticing and provocative, sexy and sensual and just at the edge of vision is what almost seems to me as both a challenge and an invitation to temptation...
This has so much sexual tension and yet so much unsaid that I must say it is outstanding!
A fine work by any measure.

[tamlynn]

Wow JackieGinger, for being new to poetry writing, I'd say you've got talent! I like both poems very much, especially Do I?

I especially like the following lines from Do I?:


I don't deserve to see
the music in the colors.
I don't deserve to discern
the sparkle of the eye.

[JackieGinger]

I'm glad you take it that way, Father!

Thanks tamlynn!

[Dinkleberry2010]

Overall, I think it is very good. The word "shammer" in the last line threw me off for a minute--I had to stop and think about it, and I'm still not sure I understand fully the meaning of the word. But, as I said, overall, the poem is very good.

[JackieGinger]

by shammer I mean false, with the sense that it creates false realities, I did not use false, because sham is more of a word that suggests deceiving, a sham makes something feel real, but it is in fact false. Do you understand what I mean?

[Dinkleberry2010]

yes, now I understand

[ur_shadow89]

I love it! beautifully written...

[JackieGinger]

Here's a new one.


Friend?

All friends use you in some manner:

the worse kind has no intention
of veiling this bitter fact

another type, the good friend
does the using lovingly
but nonetheless selfishly

but the Best Friend is the only
that takes advantage of your friendship
not just lovingly, but gracefully
so in the end the profit returns to you!

[Bar22do]

Here's a new one.


Friend?

All friends use you in some manner:

the worse kind has no intention
of veiling this bitter fact

another type, the good friend
does the using lovingly
but nonetheless selfishly

but the Best Friend is the only
that takes advantage of your friendship
not just lovingly, but gracefully
so in the end the profit returns to you!

graceful and true.... another bravo!

[JackieGinger]

I'm really glad you like it!

[iphi]

interesting poem... however i don't really understand what are you talking about. first of all i think all humans take advantege of each other in some kind of way. you seem to be really upset by the whole "friend" concept! but i liked the last verses where you say that friends use each other in a positive way. anyway, i just don't really understand... but that's just me :)

[JackieGinger]

interesting poem... however i don't really understand what are you talking about. first of all i think all humans take advantege of each other in some kind of way. you seem to be really upset by the whole "friend" concept! but i liked the last verses where you say that friends use each other in a positive way. anyway, i just don't really understand... but that's just me :)

There are several possible interpretations, however, I think you should take it as it is. Yes, all humans take advantage of each other, and I mean that there are several sides to doing that, as there are more close-bound relationships and less important ones, so what I'm trying to say is that what I said in the poem is one of the things that shapes a friendship, plus, to tell you the story, I was delighted by the manner in which one of my friends behaved, when we spent a little time together, then only could I really understand how important gracefulness is, and what a good characteristic is for one to have emotional intelligence. Got it?

[JackieGinger]

Another poem...


Sunk Deep in the Forest...

Condemned to the blind forest.
Every crow-robbed branch hits
each side of the face
of the wandering fool.
Those sick-blue silk cheeks
are never torn,
naive feelings condense their particles.
Huge white hands of emotion
never stop the struggle to cut
the folly-filled,
never-ragging
cover.

And the question remains the same:
why does the suicidal wanderer
tread gaily among
the titter of the feasting twigs?