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Reader of Times
12-26-2009, 09:18 PM
The Soul Snatchers

I shot up in my bed; I should be panicking but was calm. Looking around I immediately notice the walls are seeping, almost bleeding, I should be scared, screaming but nothing escapes my mouth. The sound stays in my head, screaming in my head. My mind is locked, nothing can escape. It feels as if it will explode but yet nothing escapes to the world, all remains trapped, locked in my head.

The walls are not seeping it appears, but the shadows are moving, pointing almost to the middle of the room. I feel a uncertainty from them and I should be shocked; rubbing my eyes to see if it’s real, but I remain still. I’m locked in place.

The shadows first point to the door, I hear an unfamiliar voice shouting “Hello!” and then the door slams. I try to reply, but my month is sealed, the words are trapped in my mind, I remain still, locked in place.

They point to the window next, it flies open, and the fierce winds blow in blowing the pictures off the walls, fragments of glass frames smashing all over the room. I should hear the window open and the glass smashing, but I now hear nothing, my ears are sealed. I remain still, locked in place.

They next point to my lamp, it flickers on. The bulb sparks and bursts instantly setting the carpet ablaze. I should be able to smell the carpet burning and the smoke rising up. But nothing enters my nose, I remain still locked in place.


Now unable to move, the room ignites, I should be able to see flames now however I blink and the shadows are gone, everything is gone as my eyes remain closed. They are unable to open. I remain still, locked in place.

I remain still locked in place, sealed by an unknown force in the shadows. I am trapped by the soul snatchers, unable to sense anything, all emotion stolen bar one. All I feel is Pain as the flames engulf my body and kill my slowly. That is how a soul snatcher does business, it lets you suffer and forces you to remain still and completely locked in place. No one is able to escape and ever able to fight back.

Dinkleberry2010
12-26-2009, 09:37 PM
You lost me in the third paragraph. You refer to "They." Who or what are they? You don't tell. All you say is "They point to the door." In the next paragraph you say "They point to the window next."; and in the next paragraph you say "They next point to my lamp." You never say what or who they are; you don't describe them in any way.

Reader of Times
12-26-2009, 09:39 PM
They refers to the shadows. i thought this was clear however i shall edit to adjust this problem

Dinkleberry2010
12-26-2009, 09:43 PM
Okay, if you would add that to the third paragraph it would clear it up. Just start it "The shadows point to the door."

Reader of Times
12-26-2009, 09:44 PM
thanks for the advice, any better?

Dinkleberry2010
12-26-2009, 09:46 PM
Yes! There you go. It is now clear.

Reader of Times
12-26-2009, 09:47 PM
so what do you think of the story?

giventofly
01-01-2010, 05:33 PM
hey reader-
on the one hand, when I read the story, it reminds me of those dreams that people have where they want to speak, move, run etc. but can't... and you try to do something so hard that it shocks you into waking up (I used to have those "paralyzed" dreams a lot when I was young). So, I kind of like it because it has that familiar feel to me. You have a lot of run-ons and fragments which can work for a stream-of-consciousness effect, but I'm also not so convinced that any of this was by design. I have a feeling that what I took from the story was not your intention. But, not bad for a beginner.