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Alexander III
12-23-2009, 04:23 PM
This is a small junk poem of mine, simple and raw but to the point.

rs
“Why tis you in ten years!”
Buh4Bee
12-24-2009, 12:34 PM
Although as cute as a little jingle, you cover some tough territory well. Light and funny, almost satirical. I like it. The rhyming was structurally enhancing.
:thumbs_up
MorpheusSandman
12-24-2009, 08:37 PM
Although as cute as a little jingle, you cover some tough territory well. Light and funny, almost satirical. I like it.I agree with this but:


The rhyming was structurally enhancing.This is where I don't think it works. The meter is too inconsistent to support the rhymes. There are plenty of quick fixes for this; like replacing "so joyous" with "ever joyous".
jat-balwal
12-24-2009, 09:46 PM
the second and third stanza made me think of soviet communism, especially orwell's take on it, nice one.
Buh4Bee
12-24-2009, 10:33 PM
Morpheus is a better technical poet, so his suggestions maybe be worth listening too.
Bar22do
12-25-2009, 07:51 AM
This is a small junk poem of mine, simple and raw but to the point.

Finding little smurf O' so blue
Tall traveller questions why is your hue?
He questions why so sad and small?
When I am so joyous and tall

“They took our lands to put their mills
They took our all, never to see merry hills
Sinless child and wife to boil
For smurf soup, whilst I toil

Labouring in their berry camp, day to day
Fearful to be stepped on their way”
O’gentle smurf what daemons cause such fears
“Why tis you in ten years!”

I am not a specialist at all but I find you so ambitious in your pursuit of meters and good rhymes in times classics are out of fashion...!
Buh4Bee
12-25-2009, 07:52 AM
nnnnnnnnn
Alexander III
12-26-2009, 05:29 PM
Thank you all for the delightfull coments!

Unfortunatly I have not yet been able to study poetry from a technical and compository( is that a word, oh well lets use it anyways) point of veiw. Thus Morpheus advice such as yours on adjusting the meter of a poem is absolutly perfect for me! However in my opinion if I were to replace "so" with "ever" the poem loses some of its lyricism, maby thats just me.

And Bardo well I in the last couple of months were I began looking at posey, I have always veiewed it as an oral art rather than one which should be primarily read. It is heard not seen. Thus to me the melody is rather important, it may seem naive but il stand firm to my convintion.