Ocean Within Ocean (VERY short)

[Lumiere]

Ocean within ocean we breathe, move, and feel. It's not just a vast body of waves and wrath that we take pictures of, and gloat upon in our boats. Oceans are within, around, both here and there. I am a body that holds an ocean, swimming in an ocean, looking above and below to see ocean upon ocean. And it's the same with you. It's the same with all of us. In the sea, the kelp cords sway like trees in the wind, and the fish make busy with their swimming and their feeding and their mating. In the air, the tree branches sway like kelp cords in the current, and the humans make busy with their talking and their striving and their mating. Somewhere in the deepest caverns of black space, there is a boundary that separates an ocean from an ocean. If I could reach out and touch it, I would surely break into undiscovered waters.

[giventofly]

hey lumiere... nice. I'd probably call it more a piece of prose than a short story, but a very nice piece nonetheless. I think it's great the way it is. But since we all post for suggestions (not just empty praise), I'll offer one. Maybe play around with the line "humans make busy with their talking and their striving and their mating." I think the parallellism you were going for here might be better served by picking something other than "talking" and "striving." They just don't seem to be as forceful as they could be.

[Steven Hunley]

I like it too. Giventofly has a point there. More parallellism would give it balance. (between the two sentences) Nice call! Nice piece.

[Lumiere]

hey lumiere... nice. I'd probably call it more a piece of prose than a short story, but a very nice piece nonetheless. I think it's great the way it is. But since we all post for suggestions (not just empty praise), I'll offer one. Maybe play around with the line "humans make busy with their talking and their striving and their mating." I think the parallellism you were going for here might be better served by picking something other than "talking" and "striving." They just don't seem to be as forceful as they could be.

Yes, certainly not a "short story." In fact, not really a "story" at all, but I didn't know where else to post it.

Wonderful suggestion. I agree that it's not the most impacting way to put it. I originally had "thinking, feeding, and mating," in order to parallel the fish more directly, but I wanted something more human. I like "striving," because that's extremely human, but that's only one of three verbs that fit into that sentence. Also, now that I read it "talking, striving, and mating" somehow trivialize the human experience. I would rather emphasize the beauty of raw human struggle. I'll see if I can hunt those other two words down.

[cute angel]

Hello Lumiere,(lumiére is French means light)

It's a philosophical piece of writing ,I'm not sure if I get the meaning right ,I think the main issue here is that life is full of events and so on we should know when to start and where to go and, of course, when and where to stop it's all about limits.

thanks a lot

[inbetween]

gee...
I feel smal.
smal and unimportant. like an ant doing my share or a fish in a swarm ... well
it's scary

[Lumiere]

gee...
I feel smal.
smal and unimportant. like an ant doing my share or a fish in a swarm ... well
it's scary

I know. So do I. :bawling: