The Killer Smile

[obul]

The Killer Smile

In the street Mr X saw a group of punks. Spiked hair, black shades, faded jeans…the latest fashion. From a window to the left came the sounds of a vapid TV soap. "The unexamined life"
Mr X had been goaded by his wife into sitting for a portrait. He entered the cheesy salon. The painter set up his easel, mixed his colours and then looked at Mr X. "Hmm…don't look directly at me…turn your head a bit to the left…ok. Loosen your eyebrows! Now smile and keep it up for the next one hour!!"
Five minutes later Mr X died.



My first post here. Just want to know what people think of it.

[drakemortuare13]

Ok, sounds suspenseful. Two questions:How do the punks relate to the story and how does Mr. X die?

[Dinkleberry2010]

hmmmm...okay, so what happens now?

[obul]

Sorry to disappoint but that is all there is. Well it is not quite a whodunit!


Two questions:How do the punks relate to the story and how does Mr. X die?

The punks are there to show how people fall in with the mindless ways of the world. Their group culture stands in constrast to Mr X's isolationism

How does Mr X die? Of dissatisfaction, disgust, frustration maybe

[Dinkleberry2010]

Well, then, you should have said it or suggested it or hinted it or something. To say something like: Mr. X suddenly died, and then no more--zip, the end, is just ridiculous. It was a waste of time to read it.

[obul]

Well, then, you should have said it or suggested it or hinted it or something. To say something like: Mr. X suddenly died, and then no more--zip, the end, is just ridiculous.
The first paragraph sort of builds up to it. We can see that X is dissatified with life. There is an overt reference to Socrates' famous quote "The unexamined life is not worth living." What the painter says to X can be interpreted as "Don't confront life and be happy." It puts the final nail in the coffin (pun intended :) )


It was a waste of time to read it.
I'll be the first to agree that time is money but I wonder how many hours you spent reading those 5 lines.

Hmm ...so many explanations to back up a 5 line story...I'm beginning to feel the story after all doesn't possess the few merits I thought it did.

[glover7]

While I disagree with Jermac's saying it wasn't worth the time to read it, your story could benefit from a few improvements. Off the top of my head, I can tell you that calling something "cheesy" in a story isn't good. Especially when you're sort of criticizing modernity with the spikey-headed kids aspect.

Other than that, a little polish would do the story some good. Maybe given a name, the main character would find a bit of poignancy.

[obul]

glover7, thanks for your comments.


I can tell you that calling something "cheesy" in a story isn't good. Especially when you're sort of criticizing modernity with the spikey-headed kids aspect.
That is an interesting thought. I assume that "punk" would also attract the same criticism. But "cheesy" seemed the right word for the reasons that
(1) it is colloquial and
(2) X is in general discontented and in particular dislikes the idea of a portrait and so sees everything in such light


Other than that, a little polish would do the story some good. Maybe given a name, the main character would find a bit of poignancy.
Since the story itself is so short I think the reader hardly has a chance to connect with the character, named or otherwise. Besides I can't think of any suitable name :)

[Buh4Bee]

Obul, Nice defense of your story. I agree, it could you some editing, but not much. It is almost there!!!

[Dinkleberry2010]

I apologise for saying that it was a waste of time to read the story. It was not a waste of time.

[drakemortuare13]

Ok, I get the basic of the story, but you'll probably want to put more into it. I mean, put yourself in the position of the reader and ask the same questions we would. Then use the answers to lengthen the story and put more into it. Other than that, doing good. And nice defense against Jermac.

[obul]

I mean, put yourself in the position of the reader and ask the same questions we would. Then use the answers to lengthen the story and put more into it.
I understand what you say. Maybe I'm leaving a bit too much for the reader. But that might take the subtlety out of it.

Thanks everyone for your feedback.