View Full Version : ... as God laid his lips on the fruit of his Mouth
Bar22do
12-13-2009, 05:42 PM
The morning broke out in fine dew of time,
as God laid his lips on the fruit of his Mouth.
World rose in smile above all capture -
now wide awake. It stretched and heaved a sigh,
then got down to its daily piece of future.
Lumiere
12-14-2009, 01:45 AM
I don't fully understand it, but it is pleasant to read, and the words taste good in my mouth.
Did you perchance write "Merely for His banquet...."? This bears resemblance in content and style.
tailor STATELY
12-14-2009, 05:10 PM
I enjoyed your poem.
If I may - for the last line I might suggest something different with "then got down to its daily piece of future";maybe something like this:
then resumed his ( or her) measured pace of future
I like 'measured': thefreedictionary="unhurried and with care and dignity"
and 'resumed', and 'pace' for 'piece', denoting a rhythmic movement
The 'his' or 'her' would be my preference over an 'it' (my foible).
Thank you for sharing.
Bar22do
12-14-2009, 05:37 PM
Thanks STATELY for your precious comments, I will give them all my attention. "It" referred to World (a bit personified) so it was difficult to use "he" or "she"; but "pace" and "measured" gives me ideas - thanks so much - In the last line I meant to say that the world resumed its daily work of building the future. I am always appreciative of constructive criticism!
Bar22do
12-17-2009, 05:11 AM
Here it is, the "new" version, worked out? - STATELY, thanks for your remarks and suggestions again:
The morning broke out in fine dew of time,
as God laid his lips on the fruit of his Mouth.
World rose in smile, above all capture -
awake at once, it stretched and heaved a sigh,
then resumed its unwavering pace of future.
and am open, as always, to more criticisms and reactions.
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