The Lose of the Sun

[Buh4Bee]

Every year when the time changes I get a little crazy. I always forget why, until I realize I miss the sun. The poem is OK, but I'd really kike some constructive feedback to fix it.




The Loss of the Sun

I bow to this orb
Hands and fingers upturned in the silhouette of the grey cloudy sky, dusk
On my knees, head bent as the wind blows across the branches and hair waves in an inept supplication.

Things are completed in the light
It is cold and labor must be quick
Soon it will be dark and my skin will be white as my hands already chapped by the air.

I feel sorrow in the dark
Deprived by the lose of light
This depression brings no pleasure.

The seasons will turn as I walk through the hours of each day.
Yes, yes, yes, the light will come back
But what about the sadness felt now?

[Bar22do]

I think that if you could envisage it as a poetic prose and arrange it accordingly, it would be quite a piece! I didn't like "depression brings no pleasure", it seems obvious... the three "yes" contain such an energy! (positive I should say..) that if you spread them throughout your poem, a rainbow would show up from wet clouds with no effort on your part (but for the pleasure of your eyes)...

[Buh4Bee]

Thanks I appreciate your ideas. I'll look at it some more. The idea of seeing the sun for more hours would be nice.

[Bar22do]

You could buy a sun-light lamp - it's not a joke! it works!

[Buh4Bee]

I actually need to do that.

[Alexander III]

The third and fourth lines seem to long for me the poem looses part of its melody due to their stretched form. Unless of course trough the elongated lines your are trying to convey the longer days which the sun brings. Apart from that a beautiful poem.

[Buh4Bee]

That bothered to me too when I wrote the poem. Visually and auditorily it seems unbalanced.

[free]

Nice culmination of thougths in the poem at its end. Summer will come again and the nature will be satisfied, but what about those who carry their emotions all the way through in their lives? I liked this, slightly hidden, message of it.

[Buh4Bee]

Untitled

The yellow light of the afternoon
In the warm air of the green grass
Loose hair, faced upturned

Colors of a matted rainbow
Surging into the veins
Of the walls of the red rose

This light pulsing back the head,
Shoulders, and back arching into
The halo of the cupped daffodil

The dark lengthening shadows
Juxtaposed to the earthly winds of
A pale velvet sky

The dimensions of breath
Air and energy running through the pelvis
bent leg, dripping with morning honey dew

The sweetness of this dusk hour
Sipped in sherry wine with empty,
Open hands

[Buh4Bee]

???? the lose of the sun????

loss loss loss

[MorpheusSandman]

I like the piece but technique-wise I'd chop down the long lines because they really conflict with the shorter ones. Look for a way to give the piece a better rhythm. An interesting blank-verse trick you might use here is to relate the lines about the sun in lengthy lines, and when you get to the ideas of the setting sun and the implied idea of "days getting shorter in winter" shorten the lines themselves which will stress the idea formally. I'd really work on the SEX (Simplify/EXclude) of those last two stanzas.

[Buh4Bee]

2nd poem: There is no sex in the second poem. It's solo. The day is over, and dusk is coming. It is in the spring. It has nothing to do with the first poem.

You talk about both poems in the same paragraph. I'm confuseed.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There was much that I liked in "The Lose of the Sun" (the error in the title and subsequent use of "lose" for l\"loss" you subsequently caught yourself. I'm averse to offering suggestions other than re obvious grammatical errors as I believe each poet must learn for herself through trial and error, otherwise we all end up writing like each other, but


Untitled

The yellow light of the afternoon
In the warm air of the green grass
Loose hair, faced upturned

Colors of a matted rainbow
Surging into the veins
Of the walls of the red rose

This light pulsing back the head,
Shoulders, and back arching into
The halo of the cupped daffodil

The dark lengthening shadows
Juxtaposed to the earthly winds of
A pale velvet sky

The dimensions of breath
Air and energy running through the pelvis
bent leg, dripping with morning honey dew

The sweetness of this dusk hour
Sipped in sherry wine with empty,
Open hands

I like this second poem much better for its more overt musical qualities.

[Buh4Bee]

I do too. The first is just a half finished poem that I needed to post. get it out there...

[MorpheusSandman]

Sorry for the confusion; I was only referring to the first. I quite like the second as well but really don't have any advice. It seems fine as it is.

[Captain_Kuchiki]

About the first poem: I like it, especially the "no, come back, I need you!" message it had. Often there's poems like that about lovers, but making one about the sun is a great new idea!

[Buh4Bee]

Thanks for the response.

[qimissung]

I like the first one; I love the second one! I, too, have felt sad in the dust of winter. As I've gotten older that has thankfully receded. I like that you put it out there without it being to much of a downer, just something that is,and what are you going to do about it?

[Buh4Bee]

Qimi,
Thanks for the response.

I have been working a lot and that helps. I also sit be the window as much as I can. I take mega vitamins, so I'm covered in that department. And of course writing about it helps.

[cute angel]

Hello,

I think you should thank depression coz it's the source of inspiration (it led you to write that fascinating poem ).

Te sun dooes it symbolize hope for you,it seems that you are a hopeful peson who likes the light not the darkness.

The golden rays of the sun will come back and the depression will disappeare with God's will.

[Virgil]

Untitled

The yellow light of the afternoon
In the warm air of the green grass
Loose hair, faced upturned

Colors of a matted rainbow
Surging into the veins
Of the walls of the red rose

This light pulsing back the head,
Shoulders, and back arching into
The halo of the cupped daffodil

The dark lengthening shadows
Juxtaposed to the earthly winds of
A pale velvet sky

The dimensions of breath
Air and energy running through the pelvis
bent leg, dripping with morning honey dew

The sweetness of this dusk hour
Sipped in sherry wine with empty,
Open hands
Oh yeah I really like this one.



???? the lose of the sun????

loss loss loss

I was wondering if you meant "loss." Thanks.

[Buh4Bee]

:lol::lol::lol:

yes I meant loss not lose as is in the title. :sick: