Travis_R
12-01-2009, 11:07 PM
Hello there,
I'm beginning my new novella which centers around a young boy and his world, or at least how he perceives it. The central themes I'm trying to convey are loss of innocence and the beauty within the mind of children. I've written a short first chapter and would love your critique. Thank you!
Chapter One
The transparent rays of the sun shone down upon the field in which he lay. Flowers were all around him, forming patterns made by an unseen hand. The gentle breeze carried the smell of the sea to him. This was his princedom by the sea, and he was the prince in waiting. Young, vulnerable, naïve, everything we wish we could be again.
The young prince opened his eyes slowly, his heart stirred by the salt air and gentle breeze. He didn’t know how long he was lying there, in his utopia. He didn’t care. Without the slightest since of urgency he rose, not bothering to dust the dirt or grass off his beautiful prince clothes. Somewhere in the distance a bell tolled to signal that it was mid-day. He didn’t hear it. Besides, the time and dates didn’t matter to him. He couldn’t read clocks or calendars. Not so much could be said for the other residents of his princedom – they had to do whatever clocks and calendars said.
The prince took one step forward, then another. He was heading straight for his sea, for it did belong to him. His gentle, wide eyes looked forward, but not only forward. They looked everywhere. To his left he noticed two robins perched on a tree branch. To his right, a large bunch of beautiful, blue flowers he did not know the name of. He exited his clearing, for it was his, and entered the woods surrounding it. He would be at his sea soon. Without a problem he cleared a path throughout the undergrowth and brush in his way, swiping it away with strokes of his hand. He was a prince and an explorer. He was everything.
Continuing on through the forest, he finally reached the shore upon which his vast ocean lay. Stepping onto the beach, he felt the sand between his toes. Felt the breeze upon his face. Let his body bask in the wonder of the elements. He liked it. Looking out across the sea, he could only imagine what waited for him on the other side. His eyes bore into the sea, looking for some clue of what could be on the other side – but he found none, just miles and miles of water. His world was endless.
He ran along the beach now, closing his eyes. He couldn’t see what was in front of him. Whatever he wanted was in front of him. Suddenly, his foot got caught on a stray root running down from the forest. He tumbled to the sand, rolling head over heels until he stopped moving. Catching his breath, he stood up slowly and then began running again. Nothing hurt. Everything was beautiful.
Bells began ringing again, but still he didn’t care. He just loved the sound, and the way it gently echoed within his ear. While the bells rang, another sound rose high above them, past the clouds, past Earth, to infinity. His mother’s cry pierced both the air and his perfect world.
“Daniel! I’ve been looking all over for you, your dinner is ready and it’s getting cold. Please,” his mother asked in a tired voice. She stood at the top of the beach, glaring upon the beautiful scene which was right in front of her eyes. Daniel slowly approached his mother, eyes looking downwards. He knew he had done something wrong, just not what. His mother grabbed his hand and she began the trek back to his castle, young prince in tow.
The pair entered the woods, leaving the sea and beach without their owner, all alone, vulnerable. Birds danced gracefully above the horizon, fish flew below the water and trees swam in the wind. Besides the birds, something else danced gracefully above the horizon. A cloud was approaching quickly, a dark cloud which existed only to bring hardship and evil to the princedom by the sea. The sea no longer belonged to the price.
I'm beginning my new novella which centers around a young boy and his world, or at least how he perceives it. The central themes I'm trying to convey are loss of innocence and the beauty within the mind of children. I've written a short first chapter and would love your critique. Thank you!
Chapter One
The transparent rays of the sun shone down upon the field in which he lay. Flowers were all around him, forming patterns made by an unseen hand. The gentle breeze carried the smell of the sea to him. This was his princedom by the sea, and he was the prince in waiting. Young, vulnerable, naïve, everything we wish we could be again.
The young prince opened his eyes slowly, his heart stirred by the salt air and gentle breeze. He didn’t know how long he was lying there, in his utopia. He didn’t care. Without the slightest since of urgency he rose, not bothering to dust the dirt or grass off his beautiful prince clothes. Somewhere in the distance a bell tolled to signal that it was mid-day. He didn’t hear it. Besides, the time and dates didn’t matter to him. He couldn’t read clocks or calendars. Not so much could be said for the other residents of his princedom – they had to do whatever clocks and calendars said.
The prince took one step forward, then another. He was heading straight for his sea, for it did belong to him. His gentle, wide eyes looked forward, but not only forward. They looked everywhere. To his left he noticed two robins perched on a tree branch. To his right, a large bunch of beautiful, blue flowers he did not know the name of. He exited his clearing, for it was his, and entered the woods surrounding it. He would be at his sea soon. Without a problem he cleared a path throughout the undergrowth and brush in his way, swiping it away with strokes of his hand. He was a prince and an explorer. He was everything.
Continuing on through the forest, he finally reached the shore upon which his vast ocean lay. Stepping onto the beach, he felt the sand between his toes. Felt the breeze upon his face. Let his body bask in the wonder of the elements. He liked it. Looking out across the sea, he could only imagine what waited for him on the other side. His eyes bore into the sea, looking for some clue of what could be on the other side – but he found none, just miles and miles of water. His world was endless.
He ran along the beach now, closing his eyes. He couldn’t see what was in front of him. Whatever he wanted was in front of him. Suddenly, his foot got caught on a stray root running down from the forest. He tumbled to the sand, rolling head over heels until he stopped moving. Catching his breath, he stood up slowly and then began running again. Nothing hurt. Everything was beautiful.
Bells began ringing again, but still he didn’t care. He just loved the sound, and the way it gently echoed within his ear. While the bells rang, another sound rose high above them, past the clouds, past Earth, to infinity. His mother’s cry pierced both the air and his perfect world.
“Daniel! I’ve been looking all over for you, your dinner is ready and it’s getting cold. Please,” his mother asked in a tired voice. She stood at the top of the beach, glaring upon the beautiful scene which was right in front of her eyes. Daniel slowly approached his mother, eyes looking downwards. He knew he had done something wrong, just not what. His mother grabbed his hand and she began the trek back to his castle, young prince in tow.
The pair entered the woods, leaving the sea and beach without their owner, all alone, vulnerable. Birds danced gracefully above the horizon, fish flew below the water and trees swam in the wind. Besides the birds, something else danced gracefully above the horizon. A cloud was approaching quickly, a dark cloud which existed only to bring hardship and evil to the princedom by the sea. The sea no longer belonged to the price.