In My Chest, You Exist

[thepoet777]

In the darkness,
bleached to white…
Bright as sunlight,
dispelling night…


Near as daydreams,
close at hand…
Here forever,
heart’s demand…


In my chest, you exist…


Life without you,
cold and bleak…
Me without you,
alone and weak…


A day without you
does not exist…
A thought, a prayer,
the endless list…


In my chest, you exist…


The future holds
uncertain things…
The mire of life
and death it brings…


Yet we are built
on Truth and Love…
The Heart, the Mind,
and Emotion thereof…


In my chest, you exist…


Forever.

[blazeofglory]

So simple but so appealing and you proved in simple terms great thoughts can be expressed. I like your last stanza

[thepoet777]

So simple but so appealing and you proved in simple terms great thoughts can be expressed. I like your last stanza

Thank you so much! It is much appreciated. =]

[Silas Thorne]

The rhymes at the end of the lines are a bit too forced. Loosen up a bit, and lose the cliches.

[Pendragon]

Yeah, but that repeating line is a touch of genius!

[thepoet777]

I'm not sure what is forced about the rhyming, but thank you for your input, Silas.

And thank you, Pendragon. =]

[Silas Thorne]

I'm not sure what is forced about the rhyming, but thank you for your input, Silas.


That's cool. :) Just trying to help. I just mean many of the lines seem to be written as if you have found the word that rhymes first and then organised the grammar of the line to suit, for example:

'The future holds
uncertain things…
The mire of life
and death it brings…'

Why not say 'it (the future) brings death'? Because you want the end word to fit.
But I really don't know ****, I just play around with words.

[thepoet777]

That's cool. :) Just trying to help. I just mean many of the lines seem to be written as if you have found the word that rhymes first and then organised the grammar of the line to suit, for example:

'The future holds
uncertain things…
The mire of life
and death it brings…'

Why not say 'it (the future) brings death'? Because you want the end word to fit.
But I really don't know ****, I just play around with words.


Actually, I write it as it comes out, so the rhymes are intended to be just as they are. I don't say things such as "it brings death" because I feel that "The mire of life and death it brings" fits better poetically. But I completely respect your opinion and I appreciate your input. =]

[thepoet777]

I would really love some more feedback on this poem. =]