PDA

View Full Version : Entwined (comments much appreciated!)



escapologist
11-24-2009, 10:23 PM
They hated each other with a passion they could only develop after twenty-odd years of marriage. When you hate someone, you hate them because of something they've done, or something they failed to do, or something they are. That sort of hate comes in sharp strong pangs and it goes away quickly so you can get on with whatever it was you were doing. Marital hate is different. Its main weapon is suspense. It builds up over years, taking its time, knowing you have nowhere to hide. It feeds on the little things you never used to notice before. But now he couldn't stand the way she played with her hair. Especially in public. She did it in slow motion, her fingers wrapping a lock around them, while she gazed at who knows what. She wasn't looking at him, that's for sure. It was like flirting, that's what annoyed him so much. Just like she was flirting with everyone in the room but him. And she always stayed up long after he'd gone to bed. They used to go to bed at the same time, and she'd fall asleep on his arm. But now that memory was so pale that he wondered if it had ever happened. These days she'd be downstairs, all alone, doing what? Why couldn't she do it during the day? And oh how he detested coming home from work. He'd walk up to the front door, and he'd feel heavy and tired, and he'd think for a second of what would follow, and he'd feel sick, physically sick, and he'd make a grimace. But it couldn't be helped. With a sigh through his teeth he'd come in, and she'd always be there, always. He'd need only about five minutes, just to sit on the sofa with his eyes closed and not think for a change, but she'd never let him. She'd ask about his day, and he'd give an answer, any answer, something vague and general, the only thing his weary mind could summon at that moment, but she'd persist, and want details, things he would be trying to forget because he was home now, but she'd go on and on because she read these magazines that told you communication was the key to a happy marriage and he tired to argue about it once but it was no good, she was brainwashed, so she'd press on until she squeezed every irrelevant bit of information and then she'd go away, thinking she'd done her good deed for the day. He'd turn the TV on to try to calm down.
Sometimes they went out. It was better then. But they'd be in the middle of a conversation, he'd say something funny, she'd start laughing (she had a nice laugh) and then suddenly she'd stop and look at him in a funny way. He'd ask what's wrong, she'd say 'nothing'. It drove him crazy. He secretly loved being able to make her laugh no matter what. Now she was taking that away from him. Over time she developed other ways of making him seem small. She used to be so proud of what he did. She literally dragged her cousins and friends to see the two buildings he'd designed, even though they were at opposite ends of town. And when the two of them passed by the buildings, she'd stop and examine them, every time, and point out the little changes time made on them. Not anymore. These days she wouldn't even notice them. She did that on purpose, he thought. And sex. Sex was out of the question. You'd think all her fancy magazines with all their hints and tips would do some good at least, but nothing. Cold as stone at the best of times. He felt that she didn't lack desire, that it was him she didn't want. And that was what made him hate her the most.



One day he got home, ready for what was in store. She wasn't there. He was surprised, but relieved. For the first time in many years he sat down, took a deep breath and relaxed. He was happy. The silence was soothing. He lost track of time. It was the phone that brought him back to reality. A stranger's voice wanted to speak to him. He heard some confusing sentences about a woman hit by a car. The woman died. He put the phone down. Silence returned.

He didn't know who arranged the funeral. There were people coming in and out of their house all the time. He was always surprised when he failed to find her among them. She was good at these things, she would help. Then someone would tell him to go upstairs and lie down. But the bed smelled like her. He used to hate that perfume. Now it made him hold her pillow and stare at the wall.

The day of the funeral was very black. That was all he knew. After it was over, he came home, walked up the stairs, went into the bedroom, looked in a box in the wardrobe and found his gun. He remembered how she used to laugh at him for buying it. She had a nice laugh. Then he killed himself.

glover7
11-24-2009, 11:05 PM
To begin with, your story is really melodramatic. Needlessly so. I did not care about your characters, so it did not matter to me that they died.

To remedy this, I would recommend that you take this story and remove the exposition. You spend the introductory three or four sentences talking about the nature of hate, which is just not a very good tactic for a writer to use. A good rule to follow for a story is "show, don't tell." Show me your characters' actions rather than telling me their histories of past annoyance.

Even after doing that, I wouldn't recommend that you kill off both of your characters because it's a reach for some form of tragedy and personal investment. It does not work.

I hope I've helped.

giventofly
11-25-2009, 01:21 AM
Generally speaking, I agree with glover's comments. Though I don't find it overly melodramatic, I do feel a general disconnect with your characters... and this entire story is, in essence, all about them. I also wouldn't kill both characters. If you do, I'd find a new way to end it. It seems very anticlimatic to me, ending with "then he killed himself." Every other action is so drawn out, then the main action of the story is accomplished in one sentence... Why? In the middle, some of the sentences get verrry long which, at least for me, is not very effective... mix it up a bit. You might also try to use less conditional verb phrases (he would do this, and she would do that). Starts to get distracting. All that being said, I think this story has potential. Your prose is good, but the style of your prose gets to be a bit menotanuous(sorry 'bout the spelling). Hope this helps... keep 'em coming. Look forward to reading more from you.

VadimP
11-25-2009, 02:10 AM
I feel that the story lacks balance: after after the background is so carefully set, the action seems bleak and quick. I think that either the former should be shortened or the latter extended.
Overall it is exploration of the ideas from Eric Burn's "Games that people play": people often prefer living miserable life rather than changing it for the better.

loki456
11-25-2009, 03:22 AM
ok so what i'm hearing from the first 3 comments is that there is quite a disconnection with the characters, scenes and actions. I too feel this.
There is quite a large exposition dump at the start of the story, this isn't always bad in fiction as it sets a scene, kind of like a short pre history synopsis. the problem is, if made too long it can be quite over explanatory and well the reader can get quite frustrated and wants the story to move on. so as you can see from exposition dump to the end, it is a matter of approx 3.5 paragraphs. quite long isn't it really?

I think this adds to the loss of balance mentioned by vadim. I also think the short sentences one after the other, give it a 'dot point' feel. Possibly another reason why it is so disjointed. you explain hatred and why this married couple endure it so much, but don't extend on the action parts. I feel that the 'then he killed himself', was meant to have a shock influence, but because of the aforementioned short sentences it didn't pack the punch it should of. I don't mind if you killed off both the characters, I just want it to have that impact you were hoping for.

It indeed has potential, just refine it, make it less like an outline for a possible story and fill in those gaps. keep writing and have fun, that's the most important thing.

escapologist
11-25-2009, 02:13 PM
Thanks so much for the comments and for being nice about it :) (harsh criticism makes me awfully defensive). I should point out I've only written about half a dozen stories in my life, so it could have been much worse.

However, the things you pointed out as bad were just the things I was deliberately trying to achieve :). I'll explain:

1) The reason they both die is because it's the whole point. My idea was to show how married people can develop a co-dependent relationship where hate masks love and where that love can only be expressed again in a situation of crisis. I had to kill her, I couldn't just have her leave him, for example, cos that would mean she doesn't really need him. I could have left him alive, in a pointless solitary life, but that would be just as melodramatic as killing him.

2) The sentences- the repetitions and the use of 'would' should emphasise the fact that he's so tired and annoyed by his life and her part in it. I wish I could have written it in the first person but I wanted the story to sound impersonal, like the narrator was looking in through the window, cos it was meant to be a story of any and every married couple.


What I definitely know is that I'm still unable to pace myself. I want to say too much all at once and it turns out to be an outline for a story (as someone rightly noticed) rather than a finished thing. Which only means, I'm afraid, that I'll have to bother you with further stories to see if I'm making any progress.

Anyway, thank you, you've all been a great help :)

Steven Hunley
11-25-2009, 07:18 PM
It does need a bit of work, yet it was perceptive. I wouldn't kill them both either. You do indeed need to bother us with further stories.